A
male
age
41-50,
*flook
writes:So I got married to a woman I was deeply in love with about a year and half ago, we had been dating for over 6 years before we got married and everything seemed (at least to me) good. Then I found out that less than sixth months into the marriage she cheated on me once with a work colleague. We tried counselling etc etc but in the end she called it a day. Now luckily about six months after this I started dating a girl who I really really like. There is nothing about her bar one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable. But this one thing is driving me up the wall. She dances Salsa, has done for years and still does occasionally. I have been out with her a few times as I want to be involved in that part of her life but to see her dance with other men makes me feel physically sick. She assures me there is nothing in it and it is just dancing, but lets face it Salsa is a close sexy style of dancing. I am fairly sure that it is the fact my ex cheated on me with someone that is causing this anxiety and I have told my gf that her dancing with others makes me feel really uncomfortable. In one sense I don’t want her to dance with any one but me, but then again I don’t want be controlling and she is good at dancing and I want her to have fun. But when she dances with other men I actually have to leave the scene. I guess it doesn’t help that I am not that coordinated, have very little experience in salsa and when I asked her if when I dance with her it is frustrating because I cant do what others can she said yes because she wants to be able to dance with me the way she can with others. That really hurt me, though maybe I took what she said wrongly. Am I being out of order here? What can I do to alleviate the situation? I trust her implicitly in all situations bar this, there is just something that clicks when I see/think of her dancing with other men, probably the fact she is being close to them physically just brings up negative emotions.
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cheated on me, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2017): Hey brother how you doing ? I understand about the feelings of jealousy but it's up to you to act or react or not react to those feelings. I am a dancer I am a really good dancer and I'm not saying that to both it's just my natural self a lot of bands and musicians and women love the way I dance even men love the way I dance but once in a while I run into men that are jealous and I've been attacked from behind and many many times it is horrendous all I'm doing is dancing because it is my true self I'm not sleeping with the womenI'm just dancing that's all yes I love you and I can't help myself they are gorgeous but that doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them the insecurity is within you it's not within me and it's up to you to deal with it or learn how to deal with it. Feelings or emotions you don't have to react to them. Again I'm a very very good dancer it's just who I am you're probably better at something that I have no clue about. But I'm not going to get jealous over it. I'm just going to be me whether people like it or not I am a free person and God Made Me This Way free free to express myself if another man gets jealous of my dancing that's his problem it's not mine please I asked you to grow up and get over it let her have fun again if she's in love with you she's in love with you if she is in then you'll know it.
A
female
reader, aaa123  +, writes (1 September 2010):
You should not ask her to do anything. I had the same experience with an ex boyfriend of mine and I really advise you not to do this.
I danced with other people in front of my ex because he didn't like dancing or know how to dance. One time he asked me to not do it in front of him. Basically in his words, I could go dancing, or dance with other people, but not when he was around.
I think he was extremely self conscious because he had been cheated on as well. In any case, I stopped dancing in front of him. I also stopped being myself around him. I realized after a while that I had stopped making jokes around him because he liked it better when he was the funny one. When he was the smarter one. When he was the best dancer. Get this -- I actually pretended to suck at dancing when we went out to dance socially, just so he could get off my back and so that we could have a better time together when we were out.
One time during the end of the relationship he said to me that i had gotten worse at dancing over time. To which I flatly told him that I had just been pretending to make him feel better.
He always found my dabbling in the arts ridiculous, my dancing, my painting, my harmonica playing, whatever. He didnt understand the point of doing something you wouldn't be the BEST at. (because that was pretty much his main goal). In any case, it was a very defining and draining relationship for me. When I look back at that moment when he asked me not to dance in front of him, I actually realize that I should have known then he wasnt for me.
I take it you're not an artistic type. Music and dancing and art is about freeing up your emotions and opening up to other things. It's also really challenging and takes concentration. It's not about sex. It's not about you and your issues. It's not about you at all. It's about her following a lifelong passion or lifelong interest that was there before you got into the picture and will be there if and when you leave. You might think it's a good compromise to tell her not to dance in front of you, but the truth of the matter is you are not allowing her to show you who she is. Why are you so afraid of letting someone else shine in their own right? What does it matter that you have two left feet? Do you have to be better than everyone at everything, that you can't admire others for what they do? I'm asking these questions, because this was pretty much what my ex was like (im not saying thats what youre like, Im just telling you to ask yourself these questions) In truth, it wasnt just about dancing. He needed to be better at everything because his self consciousness drove him to arrogance, and I had to downplay myself so that he could be the one to "shine"
If you do not allow her to show you who she is, then you'll find over time you won't like her as much as you once did anyways.
Sorry I took this personally but you really hit a nerve. But I'm sure everything will work out in the end, whether you find a way to deal with this or not. (and if you don't, I'm sure that there might be a boring, bookish girl out there for you that you might still be able to outwit, outsmart and outcharm)
Cheers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): I say the bottom line is that, if a women is with you and you tell them how you feel and they keep doing it maybe they are not for you. I'm sure there are things you like doing that she stops you from doing. But you honor her wishes, she should honor yours. I just had a situation happen to me the night before, some guy I didn't even know picked up my girl from her charir to start dancing. Knowing how I feel just still got up and danced, I feel very disrespected and I believe that's what it is about respect, I get jealousy calls all the time from here about if I'm with another girl, I always try to bring her up, and assure her all I want is her, but she turns around and does it to me. That's bull shit, and she acts like nothing wrong. I tell you what writing about made me feel better about the situation, o was able to vent, at the end of the day ground rules were set when you two meet each other, what you and her like and don't like, only you can really says what she did was wrong or right.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Your were hurt by a different person, your salsa dancing girlfriend has nothing to do with your ex, they are completely different people. They dress different, they have different hobbies, they have different personalities, and I feel the problem here is not the salsa dancing but your jealousy and trust issues. She could be talking to her guy friend and this might also bother you, she might go for lunch with a co-worker and your mind will start playing tricks. This is something you need to work on and remember not everyone is the same and because your ex cheated doesn't mean your now girlfriend is also going to cheat. May I suggest counseling so that you can find a way to break the barrel, once breaking it you will see things differently and will be able to move on and trust your partners. This is heavy cross to carry but its your cross. Please resolve your jealousy and trust problem so that you can have a more pleasant relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): How about this... take salsa lessons! IT will help in a lot of ways, first of all, it will help you learn to be better at what she does so you can dance together and have fun at the level she is used to and excels at. And secondly, you will be dancing wiht other women, in your lessons and (i assume) wont find this sexual, and it will help you trust her when she says its just dancing!
Its not like shes in clubs grinding on other men here... I mean my BF doesnt care if I do that, he thinks its kinda cute, but I can see how it could bother some guys! :)
I hope that helps, just a thought!
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Sounds to me like you're being illogical...which means it's your emotions talking, not your heard.
So you can't dance as well as they can? Take salsa lessons. Show her she can have fun with YOU. Coordination not necessary, motivation is... :)
It's true. You're reliving your bad emotions. Try to figure it out. Is it just the dancing or is she doing other stuff that makes you think she's doing something else?
Are you making your gf pay for your wife's mistakes? If you are, you need to stop before you ruin this relationship.
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A
male
reader, rflook +, writes (30 April 2010):
rflook is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anon,
Who said I was asking her to stop dancing? While it would stop the jealousy, it would probably make me feel guilty instead. I just kind of wish that she didnt dance, but it would be like her asking me to stop mountain biking (except that tends to be with blokes and we aint grinding up against each other).
As for starting dancing, I have considered it, but after her saying that she was frustrated because I couldnt dance like other men, it kind of really bummed me out about the whole thing. My confidence was pretty low after my ex's affair anyway and hearing that made me have very little belief in myself that I would ever be able to dance with her the way she wants.
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A
male
reader, rflook +, writes (30 April 2010):
rflook is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRescuer, thanks for the advice. I can see your point about me not going along in the first place to see her dance, problem is I want to be part of that side of her life. I dont want us to be a couple who dont take an interest in the things each other are involved in. Its a really conflicted feeling, I want to dance with her and go out with her, but I dont want to see her dance with other men - because I cant do what they do and you are right I would feel excluded and I'd have to watch her in close proximity to other men.
Logically I believe her when she says its just a dance, but at the same time this huge urge inside of me wells up and I feel like I want to thump the guy she is dancing with. I also dont like it when she goes and Im not there, that is in some ways worse, becuase my mind starts running away with itself :-(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): it is human nature to react like this when we have been hurt in the past, it sounds as if your girlfriend really does care for you and you are right to want to get involved in an activity she enjoys, but dont do it for the wrong reasons as humans we can sense jelousy and it is a turn off.
what you need to do is relax, maybe what you need to do is find another dance studio and learn how to salsa dance and suprise her with your excellent wiggly hips this way your confidence will bloom as you are doing something for yourself and her.
my advice is dont worry and have fun thats what relationships are about trust and passion, i spent alot of my life with the wrong man and quickly realised that my jelousy was pushing him into the arms of another as she was fun.
good luck and relax life is to short to worry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): The best advice I can give you is start dancing lessons - and after a short while you too will be able to dance the salsa.
Yes it is a very erotic dance but as a ballroom dancer myself, I dance with loads of men and no, there is nothing other than the dance. Dancing with another man does not make you want to have sex with him, it is purely enjoying the dance and the beat of the music.
I do understand that you have been hurt before, but you have to give this gf a chance, and the best way is for you to go to dance lessons then when you get a bit more co-ordinated, then she will probably be happy to dance with you.
Then think of yourself doing the sexy salsa with your gf....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): Sorry mate but you're out of line asking her to stop. This isn't something she started doing to meet other guys but obviously something she has been doing for some time (that's why she's good at it). To her its not about being close to another man its about the fun and exercise she gets from doing something she enjoys.
At the end of the day it's not her fault that your ex cheated on you and if you have issues about it YOU should be the one to deal with them....
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