A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some opinions on this: I have been single for 2 years after a series of really bad relationships and a lot of bad choices. I feel like i am finally getting my life back on track. The thing is I met this guy who is really sweet and kind, a real gentleman who treats me really well . My problem is I am so cynical after my last relationships that I can't believe he's being genuine. I have had men tell me what I want to hear before, only to have them turn around and use me and then drop me. I know that this new guy is trying so hard to prove to me that he's not like them, but am still finding it really hard to let don my guard again. I know some people would tell me that I should stop being so stupid and give this nice guy a chance but am not sure if I can. If anyone out there has any advice how/if I can get around this then I would love to hear, or am I doomed to remain cynical, single and unhappy. Thanks for taking the time to read this, hope someone can help!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): You don't write how advanced the relationship is, but a good advice might be to proceed slowly, especially with the "last intimacy", meaning going all the way with sex. In my opinion, it makes a big difference whether you've slept with someone or not, if they proceed to drop you. Sex opens the heart "automatically", even if you're not aware of trying to open yourself to the other person. In sex, you really give yourself nevertheless, and therefore being dropped hurts much more if sex has been involved.
You can tell him that you need to proceed real slowly because of your former hurts. This can be a test of how serious he is too.
Try to feel inside yourself how long you would need to feel really comfortable about trusting him - and then set that date as the time when you will have sex with him. (You can pet and do things before that, but keeping actual intercourse set aside can be a way of protecting your heart until you know him better.)
It may be a long time - a year or whatever. But stick to how you really feel inside. Be yourself as much as possible, that is in fact a kind of trust in the other person and may help you to open up much better later on.
:-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Relationships always take great courage, because opening yourself meaning becoming vulnerable to hurt. And some of us know by experience how terribly a heart can hurt.
But the thing is, people are different in their treatment of hearts. Some are really bad and tread on other people's hearts, crush them. Others are walking miracles of kindness. I have met both kinds. I have been hurt so much I thought I would die, and have isolated myself for a long time. But the best thing I did in my life was to decide to go with a person whom I was drawn to by my heart. I went from a terrible relationship with an unfaithful, amoral liar and to the most beautiful and loving man. After having known this last man for 15 years I am still in awe of how anyone can be so deeply loving and kind as he is, so right. He is to this day a miracle in my eyes. But he is real. So such things happen; some people are worth trusting.
It always takes a step into the dark, because you can't know beforehand. Think of Indiana Jones in the last crusade stepping out on the invisible bridge.
It's that decision - of faith - you have to make, if you want to try love.
In my opinion it's worth it, because life without love is too dark. But it's not the same as it being worth it in this particular case. This depends on two things:
1) Your own feelings for him - do you really want him?
2) Who he is.
I agree with other commentators that he sounds nice. But only you yourself and time can tell.
I would advise you not to talk too much to him about your doubts. Talk to others - us on the internet, therapists, or your girl pals or family, but keep him untroubled by your past (other than of course letting him know what your life has been like before, as you already have - it's relevant to share the information just once, but not reliving the past together or returning to it again and again), so that he feels you are really with HIM and not with your ghosts... That you see the real him.
Try as much as possible to enjoy the miracle of having someone who wants you and whom you like, try to focus as much as possible on the things you enjoy doing together. Express your joy to him and give them your energy, then your worries will automatically be starved.
Because you cannot give your primary energy to both your past and your present.
I don't mean to ask you to repress your fears - acknowledge them, verbalize or draw them (on paper, I mean, illustrations) as much as you feel you need to get them out of your system, but my best advice to you is to spare him as much as possible from taking part in this process. This is a way of showing him love and respect, and keeping a depressing atmosphere and the communication of a lack of trust outside of your relationship. Let him feel like he's valued and trusted, even if you can't really trust him yet inside yourself because of your past hurts. Keep him, however, shielded from those hurts, don't try to give him responsibility for them. That would be a mistake.
All of us deserve trust initially, and by keeping your worries from him you do give him the gift of trust in practice. This will also help you, I believe, to ease the old pain over time. Although you may experience some hard inner fights along the way, since there is a temptation to show the bleeding wounds to him and get a temporary relief that way. But 'containing' these emotions as the technical term (for acknowledging them to yourself and yet not acting out on them to the loved one) is, will in my opinion work much better both for you individually and for the relation.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, intriuged +, writes (28 February 2010):
well the people who tell you your being stupid is not really thinking of how hurt you were before and how its not easy once you put a guard up how hard it is to let it back down. i certenly would not say you were being stupid. I would try and take things realy slow and explain to this guy that its hard for you to trust him and be vunerable with him and if he is as good as he makes himself out to be then he will be ok with that and be prepared to put the time into the relationship. if hes worth it he will wait untill you are ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): I understand. When you have been hurt so many times, it makes you think that it is not worth trusting anyone again, because the same thing will happen. I know that feeling.
There are no guarantees. There is no way of knowing if history will repeat itself...or whether this time, it could actually be different. The only way you can find out is by giving it a try. The question is, is it worth it? Should you risk it?
Only you can make that decision. But I would say to go for it. So far, this guy sounds very nice, and you are getting your life on track after some bad experiences. Things have therefore changed, and that includes you too! So you very well may have attracted a much better guy into your life. What are your instincts telling you? Apart from the fears, do you have a good feeling about this guy?
When you asked if you are doomed to remain cynical, single and unhappy, that really stood out to me. The answer to that is no, of course not. You can change that. But only if you make that change. If you let fear hold you back, then it will control you and prevent you from getting what you want from life. And it sounds like you would like a nice relationship. That won't happen if the fear wins.
I know it is not easy though, and I hope I am not sounding like I am trying to say it is! Your worries are not stupid at all. It is natural to want to defend yourself after being hurt. But even if things didn't go as well as you hope, you would cope with it. You have coped with a lot so far, so you are strong enough to face this.
You could always explain to this guy that due to past experiences, you would like to take things really slowly. Get to know him more, spend more time with him. You might start to trust him more when you feel more comfortable. At the very least, you could be friends. It is your choice though, you have to do what you feel is right for you. But I would encourage you to go for it, if you feel you can. I hope everything works out well for you. xx
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