A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 34, married for 4 years with 2 daughters, one is daughter is a step daughter. My relationship has been rocky from the start but me being the strong willed i have tried to make it....On the start, my husband was big headed and we could never agree onto something ..he would come around after months when he realizes what disagreed about was a good idea. This has led us to lag behind on almost all projects...building a house, having another kid, spending money etc....His also a alcoholic, he drinks every day, His lazy and terrible at managing money..But he has a very good job. That said, he is such a lovely soul, wise and humorousWith all these weaknesses, for 3 years i manned up..took care of the kids...tried out building the house....trying to be the best step mom.. as tired as i was, and much as i complained ..he did not want to share in the resposibilityA year ago , i met a your man ,28 years, the chemistry is there....he opened my eyes to what i was missing and going trough all along..though his not doing well financially he really treats me like a queen...This has been noticed by my husband,..i have changed, iam no longer letting myself be the man in the relationship anymore...and my husband feels threatened my husband is trying to level up, but the problem i no longer love him...I want to move out with my daughter and live alone...but i feel guilty because he is such a nice person and he loves me..What should i do?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 July 2018):
 Whether you try to work on your marriage or not, this new guy isn't the answer.
If you're unhappy in your marriage and don't want to try to fix it, then leave with your daughter and support yourselves, but don't move in with this new guy or even start dating him. Be single for a while - don't rebound.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): I'm always so wary when someone says 'they treat me like a queen'.In my experience what you want is a man who treats you as an equal, as a normal human being, not a queen or a princess. My reason for saying this, is that this is how abusive men work. They treat their girlfriend 'like a queen', they're 'so charming'. Believe me, alarm bells go off in my head when I hear this. This behaviour does not continue in my experience. They behave like this to get what they want, namely you away from your relationship and with him. Once he has 'got you', the REAL man appears and you are going to quite possibly end up out of your marriage and into a nightmare. This is the modus operandi of ALL abusive men. And there is no way of knowing whether what I'm saying is true or not until it's too late. He will hide his true colours until you are dependant on him. This is what happened to me. I was engaged to a lovely man but the spark had gone as it often does. He also didn't dance and I do.At dancing I met a man and we gelled together on and off the dance floor. We had chemistry in bucket loads and he was exciting and 'treated me like a queen'. Brought food to dancing for me that he'd cooked himself, bought me little things so I would know he had been thinking of me, paid me no end of attention. The dancing was wonderful, the attention was great, the chemistry was out of this world. But he was the most horrible man once he had 'got me'. I feel so stupid now, to have fallen for this. I managed to leave him four years ago now and he was still stalking me before last Christmas. He has turned people who were my friends at dancing away from me, by telling them lies about me. The stress he put me through: choking me, threatening to kill me, to make my life a living hell, to be my worst nightmare and lots of emotional abuse and mental cruelty, has left my health in tatters.I'm not sorry that I left the lovely man I was engaged to, but I am sorry that I believed that this man only wanted what was best for me. He DID NOT. He wanted what was best for himself. I worry for you, that this might be the same scenario for you. As I said when I hear the phrase 'treats her like a queen', I get the creeps. You might be vulnerable as I was. Needing attention and love. And these abusive men, they can sniff that out a mile away. Please be careful. I realise that you may not believe what I have said would be true of the man you have met, but at least I have warned you that it might be so. Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): Get marriage and family-counseling; and try to make your marriage work. Insist he get alcohol-rehabilitation; and keep your family together. You don't stop loving people; even if things change or get shaky between you. If you stopped loving; maybe you never loved him, and just figured he'd be a good provider. Considering he has a very good job.
Your post is contradictory about the character of your husband. I suppose a lot of what you say negatively, is to justify this 28 year-old broke-guy you found. Please, I've responded to far too many posts like this; and have way too much experience in life, not to see this for what it is. People get tired of their partners and marriages; so they decide to trade them in for a new model. Well, there are children in the picture; and they need a stable home and two parents. That rises above what your vagina wants.
Your marriage seems salvageable, and you seem indecisive and confused. The other guy is a bandage over a marriage that needs healing and repair. You're bored and tired; and your husband drinks too much. If he's bad with money; then assume the responsibility of the household budget director and accountant. We compensate for the weaknesses in our partners. They compensate for ours. He doesn't get to defend himself and describe what kind of wife he has. So he is entitled to some benefit of the doubt; considering he is the subject of a one-sided story. He loves you!
Don't confuse your anxious hormones with love. You feel neglected and dissatisfied with your marriage. The usual remedy is to have an affair. Suddenly out of nowhere comes this person who is the answer to all your troubles. BULL!!!
Fix your marriage. It's only four years-old. You're giving-up on it too easily; and you tried to give us a bunch of excuses. Nothing you mentioned even justifies what you're doing. He's not abusive, he's bullheaded. He's bad with money. He drinks everyday; but if he has kept his job, he's still quite functional. Don't make excuses to leave your marriage for some broke-ass dude who appeared out of nowhere.
Marriages hit bumps. If a man is abusive, a cheater, or too lazy to support his family; that's the kind of man you leave. Get your act together and leave broke-guy alone! You're just going to give-up a marriage to go find yourself an even worse situation? A guy who can't afford a family! Only because you gave-up on something better, and your vagina got ahead of your common-sense.
I'm speaking quite frankly to you. You came here because you needed to be convinced to do the right thing. Put your children and marriage first; and seek a way to repair the damage. Don't just throw-up your hands in defeat. You're strong, and you've held it together this long. You just need some help; so go get some! Counseling will open the door of communication you need. He will realize through counseling and mediation; that he's got to fix himself, and prove his marriage and children mean the world to him. If he can't, divorce him!
Don't you dare go after that broke-guy; thinking you'll take your husband for his money, separate him from his children, while you're with some broke loser! Imagine the possibility he may win in the end; and take full-custody of his daughters, if you and broke-guy can't cut it as better parents of those children. Even if he kept your step-daughter; you'll separate the girls. If you do, it better be worth it!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 July 2018):
 I fail to understand why you would have married him if things where rocky from the start? Even if you are strong willed surely that was warning signs that a marriage wouldn't work if things where already rocky?
It almost sounds like you are both not compatible at all, did use discuss the future and what plans you both had before you got married? I mean yes we all have our disagreements and different points of view, but it almost sounds like you both cannot agree on anything.
I really do fail to understand why anybody would have a child / children with an alcoholic. Surely you don't want your children to be around a father who sits around drinking all day? What example does that teach your children? I mean it is great that he works and earns money but if he is lazy and blows his money on drink why would you have a child with him and marry him?
Well done on taking on a child that is not your own, it is a hard task and it sounds like both girls are treated equally so you seem to have done a good job. But you should not have to play the role of two parents, he should man up and take responsibility. Unfortunately you have done all the hard grafting so he just expects you to keep on doing that. He ignores your complaining because he knows you will do everything anyway.
This younger guy treats you like a queen? Are you having an affair with him? From the sounds of it you are and well you don't need me to tell you how wrong that is. You made your vows and promises to your husband, even if he is lazy you knew what he was like before you married him. Surely you can see that cheating is not the way forward? What would your daughter say if she found out you where being unfaithful to her father?
Does your husband no about this other man? Have you been honest with him and told him you don't love him anymore? If not then you need to do that. It is clear you both don't work as a couple, it is just a shame that there are children caught in the middle. You need to be honest with him and yourself and tell him how you feel. If you feel it is best ending the marriage then do so and find your own place. He may love you but he has also taken you for granted. You mention that the other man is not doing well financially I sincerely hope you didn't marry your husband just because he had a good job that paid well. There is a lot more to a marriage than that. My advice is to end things and try and be amicable for the sake off your daughter and step daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): I take it you are in a sexual relationship with this other man? If you don't want to be with your husband and you don't love him anymore then do the decent thing and end it because you are already cheating on him.But I would strongly advise you do live on your own and don't jump straight into living with this other man, remember you are teaching your daughter about relationships and how they are, so for her sake think of her feelings.You either need to break off seeing the other man and work on your marriage but if you are sure you are only staying with him out of pity then leave because you both deserve to find happiness.
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