A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I really love him and I do see myself staying with him.However, we've had one problem that I'm at my wits end about how to deal with. When we first started dating, he said he loved to go down on girls. I do remember him trying to go down on me once or twice... but they weren't really good times to do so, like right after my period. At one point, he told me that he thought I had a infection. I visited the gyno, who said I was healthy. I hinted a lot about it, but he always gave me some excuse. I was left feeling rejected again and again and felt like there was something wrong with me.I finally did address this issue head on about two months ago. He finally came out and said that HE wasn't fond of my smell or taste which was a major turn off for him. After that, I've been making an effort to make any sort of experience down there more enjoyable. I've cut down on sugar and carbs in my diet; I stopped drinking soda and other sugary drinks. I've been eating more yogurt. I've been using Summer's Eve feminine wash and wipes. I've been meticulous about shaving. I even went and bought some sexy panties because he's mentioned how that can be fun for him.I've even pushed myself past my comfort levels to ask very clearly for what I want. However, he still dodges the issue and won't go down on me.I don't know what else to do.
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): heyz sweety... never go down 4 him.. and find someone else who desereves u....:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): You could do what hello1 suggests, but it just might snowball into him not doing something else for you and then you not doing something else for him and so on. There were a few times in the past where I said something hurtful to my wife. I was too oblivious to know that I had even done it. Well, she was hurt and didn't want sex with me for a few days until she got over it. A couple of times I decided to get back at her and reject her when she wanted it, just to show her what it was like. Well, after a few days, I just jumped her because I couldn't stand it anymore and she was happy that I again wanted her. It wasn't that I didn't want sex with her. It was just that I wanted to show her what it was like to be rejected. This could have continued and turned into a loveless marriage if we had not talked about what was bothering us and fixed the problem. Maybe you withholding oral from him will make him try to do it to you and maybe it will make him withhold something from you. The real problem is him.
I don't consider giving oral to my wife a chore at all. Not only do I love the pleasure that she gets out of it, but I really like doing it. It is really fin for me, like you said that it is fun for you to do it to him. He could change, but it took me many years to like doing it. I don't know why I changed. I guess it was because I wanted to be a better lover after my failed first marriage and I discovered that the 2 women who I dated liked what I did for them, as one of them could only have orgasms with oral and the other had her best orgasms that way. I liked what it did for them and then later I realized that I just liked doing it for my own enjoyment.
I'm afraid that Laura is right, at least in the short term. Short term might be days, weeks or years, if ever. My wife and I like doing it to each other and it really is a significant part of our sexual pleasure together, especially me doing it to her. I'd actually rather do it than get it. She likes swallowing too and always smiles and cuddles after. We could live without the oral part of sex, but it would take so much away from the experience. I don't know what to suggest. It was just my realization of what a poor husband I had been for my first wife that wanted me to change in many ways. Giving sexual pleasure to the future women who I might be with was just one of the things. It is my past that made me say in the previous post that this might be an indication of how he might view other parts of your relationship in the future. Perhaps I am being too harsh because of how I had been.
Just another tidbit of info. My wife had a bf a couple of years before me and he believed that oral sex was dirty, but he wouldn't let her do it to him either. He had this hangup about it being unsanitary. I don't know if it has anything to do with your situation, but I thought I'd just throw it out for a thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (9 March 2008):
 Don't go down him, seriously let's see how he likes it. It's a proven fact women get the most pleasure out of the oral side of sex. Is he really the guy for you if he's selfish in bed? he properly always going to be like this. You seemed to have tried hard and really it just seems like he only cares about himself in that department, which is very sad.
The only advice I can give you is to stop going down on him, that's what I would do if I was in your situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 March 2008):
 There is one last choice, find somebody who will or give up entertaining that idea with him.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (9 March 2008):
 Okay, based on your additional information, in which you insist your boyfriend is "great in all other respects," it still sounds like you will have to forego this special pleasure in life with him. He wants to receive but will not give here.
To some degree, spending the time and energy to provide a woman oral pleasures are a bit of a chore, but mainly a desire to satisfy her completely. Some of us fellas love doing that for our sexual partners, and some men are a bit more self-centered about sexual pleasure. You have what you have, and that is probably about as good as it's going to get.
...............................
A
female
reader, SmashedBrain  +, writes (9 March 2008):
Ok, you should NEVER let a guy near you in that area if you are not completely clean..or just got off your period. That might have placed a mental scar in his mind. I'm VERY particular about my maintance in that area and my boyfriend tells me he loves it. Anyway I would think that sugar would help with the natural taste..but I'm no doctor. You could also try flavored Lub. And you could take a long bath right before. You giving him oral pleasure is fine as long as you are okay with it and you know that you two love and respect each other. Although, you might start to get negative jealous feelings about it if he doesn't start returning the favor and you are the only one doing it. Just keep up the maintance and cut back on greasy, fat, and fried foods ;)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo troubledtoomuch,
I go down on him because I enjoy doing it. I love seeing what kind of pleasurable responses I can get out of him, in both sexual and affectionate circumstances.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): I was writing my answer when you posted your followup, so I didn't see it until now. My wife actually has no taste or smell. I love to have my face down there because of her fresh smell. She has always been like that and still some of her past boyfriends would never do that. Of course, her past boyfriends were about 30 years ago. I even remember doing it to those 2 women who I mentioned when it was their period. Of course, they used tampons and I found no problem.
Out of curiosity, does he ask you to give him oral or do you just like it? The reason that I ask this is I am wondering if he just wants to receive without giving. Like it's all about his pleasure. If that is the case, then I'm afraid that this might cause similar problems in other parts of a relationship where there is give and take. I think that was a lot of my problem in my first failed marriage. All of my thoughts have changed with my current marriage, not just my love of giving oral. I am much more considerate of my partners feelings, not just her sex enjoyment.
I can see why you wonder if he really cares about you enough. I can relate to that when I was in my 20s. Fortunately, I changed a lot after having time to reflect on my first marriage before I started dating again.
This is one reason that I believe in sex before marriage. I think that one can learn so much about a partner in bed and love making. People can hide their faults, but they tend to come out during sex. I do share your concerns about this problem.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): Phil may be right for his survey, but all of my girlfriends were brunettes except one and they all tasted and smelled fine to me. I do remember that I did not like to do that much in my 20s, but I learned to love doing that after my divorce in my mid 30s. The 2 women who I liked best after my divorce both had such terrific orgasms with oral and I really enjoyed doing it to them for their pleasure. My wife is one of them and I love to do it to her and then do nothing else sometimes. Unfortunately, I don't know what to tell you to make him want to do it.
My wife and I usually shower in the evening just before bed and I like to do it to her the next morning and even the next afternoon if we haven't exercised or sweated a lot. Maybe it is an acquired taste, like fine wine. My wife doesn't remember many of her previous boyfriends doing it much and they didn't seem to like it as much as I did when I started dating her. He doesn't know what he is missing out on, as it is as much for me as it is for the woman.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to add a few things to my post.
1) He's great in all other respects. He's supportive and encouraging. I've got a chronic pain condition and he's been very understanding with this and has even offered suggestions. He's got brains. He's fun to spend time with. He's affection. He's two years older and provides a "real life" influence on me because he lives on his own and I'm a full-time student who lives at home. I really do love him. It's just this one issue in our sex life that has been really frustrating.
2) I do go down on him and I do swallow.
I really don't seem to understand his aversion to my taste and smell. I've always been one of those girls who is very curious about my own taste, smell and texture and have even used it to track my cycle. I've found myself to taste sweet and a bit tangy, but have never been grossed out by my taste or smell.
I've been meticulous about washing since we had the conversation about two months ago, so I'm pretty damn sure my taste and smell is less strong lately.
It isn't about having an orgasm. It's gotten to the point where it's about whether he cares enough to do it for me.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (9 March 2008):
Apologies to other advisors previously, but I must disagree that most any healthy woman who is fresh and clean is all that much smelly or distasteful. My best guess is maybe one in 20 or 30 based on experience. It is true that sometimes a man must get past a bit of pungent taste or aroma for a few minutes if she has not freshened up just before, but it is easy to handle unless she has some kind of infection going on.
It sounds as if you have done much more than most girls to clean up your diet and all, which helps improve taste for oral sex in both genders. Consuming fruit and fruit juices may help in both cases. Too much coffee, alcohol or smoking might render tastes a bit unpleasant. Based on your posting, it just sounds like your boyfriend has some aversion to performing orally for you, and that is unfortunate. It is possibly the most wonderful and effective way to expertly please a woman. Maybe he knows little about it and primarily lacks confidence. Maybe just impatient, but you should probably withhold giving oral pleasure for him as well, if applicable.
...............................
A
male
reader, Alexsavisertavis +, writes (9 March 2008):
Ok well not to be mean or anything but the truth hurts, You are so dumb for sinking in to him your like sprung on him. My Advice to you is to tell him to fuckoff because no one, no stupid guy or girl should ever control your life, if you want to dumb yourself down just for him then sweety that is you choice not mine not anyone but yours, so good look on that, its up to you to choose the right path.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): Unfortunately some women have a rather unpleasant odour coming from down there, and there's not a lot you can do about it.
Some years ago I did a sort of unscientific study on the flavour, smell and taste of women with differing hair colours, because I had a theory that their hair colour and smell were somehow interlinked. I got a few of my buddies to chip in with their experiences too, so the result was a general cross section of opinion. Anyway, blondes came out the sweetest and tastiest, ginger nuts were the most acid and brunettes the most acrid.
The bottom line is that if he finds your smell and taste unpleasant, he's not going to want to put his nose and tongue anywhere near it. Sorry, but that's all there is to it. No different to if he has a smelly willy and you don't want it anywhere near your mouth.
...............................
A
male
reader, Alexsavisertavis +, writes (9 March 2008):
Ok well not to be mean or anything but the truth hurts, You are so dumb for sinking in to him your like sprung on him. My Advice to you is to tell him to fuckoff because no one, no stupid guy or girl should ever control your life, if you want to dumb yourself down just for him then sweety that is you choice not mine not anyone but yours, so good look on that, its up to you to choose the right path.
...............................
|
