A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello peopsI'm not generally a jealous person, but for some reason for the past couple of months I've been getting a little jealous quite easily with my boyfriend.For example he's moving in next year with a mutual friend of ours and I suddenly had all these thoughts like "oh she's like a prettier version of me so he's definitely going to hook up with her and dump me"He said this evening he was going to crash to a film with his flat mate, a girl, and literally the first thing that came into my mind was "why hasn't he asked me?"- ridiculous I know!Just wondered if anyone had any suggestions on how to calm down, and accept that he's not going to do anything behind my back with other girls. It's annoying me as I really really want to fully trust him, but for some reason, even after 2 years I still have doubts he's going to up and run off with some leggy blonde.Also no scathing responses please-I'm not a maniac boiling with jealously about to explode at him- I'm just recognising that after 2 years I don't think I should still be worrying that I'm not good enough for him .Any tips would be great!xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015): Hears some additional advice.
Don't get "funny" with her, or it will become a female-
competition. Friend vs. girlfriend. I've seen it far too many times among females.
You have to stay cool about things, or she'll sense your insecurity; and that will make her feel her friendship is threatened on account of it. Having a lot of other people doesn't guarantee they'll all stay or be around all at the same-time. There will be times it's just the two of them.
Make sure you're absolutely fine with that.
You did say you're insecure about yourself, and jealous of her. So don't wait, then become resentful once they've all moved-away, and the group is living together. Say something if you can't handle it. It's easier to deal with it in the planning-stage; than wait until it becomes a reality. Then get bent out of shape. She'll be spending more time with him than you will. So adjust your mindset now!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify he's moving in with a a group of people-not just the one girl! Otherwise I would be more concerned. I just happen to get a bit funny with her because she's a mutual friend, really chilled and very funny-so I get a bit jealous! Thanks for the tips though-some really helpful ideas xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): Let's approach the issue about not being good enough for some guy. You have to be realistic. You will never be 100% of everything anyone could want in a person. You may have the misguided notion he is everything you could want in a guy, but that isn't possible. If he was, you'd trust him more than you do. Until you recognize your own self-worth, you will always use your looks as your only asset and value to men. Stop doing that to yourself. He chose you because you're worthy and have great attributes that attracts him to you.
Do you ever think a guy can actually have a heart and feelings for someone? You in particular? That a guy can actually care enough for another person, that he's not always on the lookout for your replacement? That guys don't always need a supplement to what he already has; and has given not only his heart, but his trust to? Your looks in comparison to other females is not what keeps a guy interested. Your behavior, personality, and confidence fits in there with all your other traits and physical attributes. Men are more complex than you give us credit for. We are not just testosterone and a penis. That is debatable with some guys. We're not all stupid like that.
Now the issue about the jealousy. It is justified in this case. Why would he rub your nose in the fact he's planning to move-in with another attractive female, and he has a girlfriend?
He hasn't really thought much about how that appears, and how it would make you feel. Either that, or his dick is doing all the thinking; and it hasn't run through his sex-torqued adolescent brain center yet. We have to attribute that to utter stupidity, and his youthful inexperience. It appears he IS truly thinking with his dick and not his head; if he thinks he can have a pretty girl roommate, and a hot girlfriend at the same time. With never the possibility of something awkward happening. Especially at his age, raging hormone-level, and limited knowledge of females and how you think. He's not man enough to handle all that. I say that with certainty.
Jealousy aside, you have every right to have some concern about it. You should also make your feelings known. It's one thing to be friends with the opposite sex; but when you are in an exclusive-relationship, appearances and how you conduct your platonic-relationships versus your romantic-relationships really matters. Significantly!!
Carefully get your jealousy in-check and tone down the insecurity that feeds into it. Use the logical side of your brain to address the issue based on fact, not "perception" or unadulterated insecurity. He's your boyfriend. He expects you to behave a certain way around other males, he doesn't want you to place yourself in situations that other males can take advantage of you; and he wants you to show all others that he is your number-one, and only one. You have every right to expect no less. Insist on it.
Then, observe their relationship and how they behave together. If there is too much physical-contact, inappropriate eye-contact, secrecy,and/or private jokes; that should be dealt with. If he is too enthusiastic about moving in with this female, put your foot down. That is a sure sign he's plotting to have his cake and to eat it too.
If they just hangout, she shows you respect, has her own dates, and she goes out of her way to let you know she isn't stepping out of line when she's with your guy. Add all that to the fact that you both are relatively cool with each other; go with the flow, as far as their being friends. All the same, he has to be told that you don't feel good about them being roommates; and he will not sell that on you. He shouldn't have even considered doing that anyway.
In all fairness to him, I just don't think he really looked at the whole picture; so give him a broader outlook. You're his girlfriend, you have that right.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I agree with Auntie "like I see it" - WHY is he planning to move in with a female friend over his GF of 2 years?
But back to the jealousy issue, I think it really boils down to YOUR own insecurities, and not really him. IF you constantly compare yourself to other females what do you gain from that? You gain a complex that YOU are not "good enough" or "tall enough", "this or that enough". So I'd suggest to stop comparing yourself with other women AS much as you can. SNAP yourself out of it when you catch yourself doing it.
As for your BF, HE is dating you isn't he? Do you think if he wasn't happy WITH you he'd date you? For 2 years?
MANY people are quite capable of having friend of the opposite gender, maybe it bothers you that HE is one of those and you are not?
OR is it that you feel like he treats his female friends like you think he should treat you? Like he should THINK of watching a movie with you BEFORE thinking of watching it with friend A,B or C? because I think I would have a bit of a problem if my BF is planning a movie night with a friend BEFORE thinking about asking me. Unless they are watching like Nascar or wrestling (or something I don't want to watch).
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I'll admit it strikes me as odd that the plans to move in with a girl next year are not plans to move in with the girl he's been dating for two years. Assuming of course that that is something you both want, and that it doesn't go against any personal beliefs of yours?
If he signs a lease on another place next year, that takes living together off the table for you for another six months to a year at least, depending on the terms of the lease.
Can you and he afford a place together? I think that would answer a lot of your questions about what his intentions are. If you ask him to move in with you and he says yes, problem solved. If you ask him to move in and he says no to you but yes to this other girl he's not even dating... personally I might find that suspicious.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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