A
female
age
41-50,
*adlib
writes:Sooooo.....I love my girlfriend..a lot...we have been a couple for a year and a half and through this time have had a lot of ups and downs...we dated for 6 months and then moved in together...within he first few months of living together I realized we are exact opposites..I am a libra and she is an aries(two women by the way)..she isn't out to her very catholic latin family and I am to my small new age spiritual one, I am an optimist, she is a pessimist..I am a democrat and she is a republican...I belive in the power of possitivity and she is the realist who shuts down at the first sign of trouble...she has never had a relationship that lasted more then 3 months and I have had a 10 year and a 5 year relationship...she is also 24 and I am 34...don't get me wrong, somehow we meet in between, she acts older then her age and everyone swears I am 25 before i tell them my actual age...we have a wonderful time together when all is well..and it really feels good to be with her when we can just let our love for each other envelope us. I think she is gorgeous and is fun to be with, and she can be the sweetest most loving person in the world, so when our problems started to arise 3 months in, I recognized them and evaluated the situation and decided to try to make this work....the rundown is this, she has a hard time trusting people and I broke her trust 3 months in to it by texting to my ex (who is totally only a friend that I would never go back to and have made that utterly clear to my gf) about smoking pot and about another little argument that we had at the time...my gf is dead against smoking-to the point of not kissing me or wanting me to hold her in bed if i do- I also had written in the text that I might smoke occasionally like drinking a fine scotch and what she doesn't know won't kill her...well she read the text and felt betrayed and all her trust for me went out the window....she doesn't share her feelings or concerns with anyone else-she is that private- and it takes her a while to tell me what she is mad about, she would rather go in her room and contimplate/shut me out for a bit...not to be a bitch but that is how she handles things since she holds soooo much inside...so I finally get her to tell me that she would rather I speak with her then to my friends or ex's about our issues...granted I was keeping the pot thing from her cause I was brought up with it being no big deal and she made me feel embarrassed about myself which is why I kept it from her...with time she brought up other issues in our rlationship, she then brought up that I would rather be with someone that is out- and that I don't treat her lttle maltese dog as equally as I do to my puppy/now 9 month old dog and she has huuuuuge issues about that because he is her baby and she trusts animals better then people so the fact that her little man growls at me and is uuber protective of her and charges me when she gets home to claim her is a sign...so....I have made a lot of changes during the course of the year we have been living together to establish trust with her..I stopped smoking, I make an effort to love both the dogs equally, although sometimes I forget to take them out at the same time (i trained my dog to hit a bell to go out where her dog wasn't ever trained so he pees on the furniture and never asks to go out)...every month we have had a big blowout that threatens our being together...usually it is based on bad communication...she doesn't talk, I want her to..she says things attacking and I get defensive and stop talking proactively making things worse...then the next day when things calm down we can effectively talk to each other...through these many months we have gotten better at talking to each other when we are upset but I can't help but feel she is self savotaging us sometimes...2 steps forward one step back....like tonight, she was upset becuase she feels like when she calls me I don't want to talk with her..cause today one of the times she called I was working out and said that I was working out and couldn't talk...and she associated to other times that she has calld and I had to cut it short cause I was eating or was working but she thinks I am not making her a priority...so when she got home I thought if I just treat her gently and sweetly she would get over it..but as soon as she wouild start t to warm up to me she would say that she is conflicted in the head and upset with me and that I should stop being nice to her and that she isnt going to call me anymore...and I am like that's a little drastic! I just don't understand sometimes...im venting here...I have never had a partner question my love for them as often as she does and I have never been with a partner who is relentless in feeling like they are always right either...someone told me that with every argument both people had a responsibility in it getting where it went...and my saying that to her was like talking to a wall...she doesn't ever admit she can be wrong or part of a problem, she can be a stubborn mule and would rather sleep by herself then admit she is wrong and ask me to come back to bed, and she doesn't want to go to counsiling with me to work on trust and communication issues...inside her is a wonderful caring and sweet person who lives with me 65-70% of the time, but dang, that other 30% kicks in and she gets so walled up it always leads me to thinking we are breaking up...I just want some thoughts...and I know this is just my side of it...her side would say that I did betray her trust..kept secrets from her...that I like to do things when I am ready...that I take her for granted...that as much as I say I am a communicator I am not that great at it either.....so what do you guys think of the situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): You should have understood this after the long relationships you are in, but women just aren't the same as men. We would rather sleep alone than being forced into saying we are wrong. It's like you give her an ultimatum by leaving until she says she's wrong, like she's a kid that needs to be disciplined? Who's the one to say she needs to sleep alone just because you are arguing?Listen, if you dont like the current arrangements, fix them. Agree with her that you'll still sleep together even when mad at each other. Don't use the "you'll sleep alone tonight" as a punishment, no conflict gets solved if you punish each other.That laves us to "why wont she just admit she is wrong", perhaps because she doesnt feel that she is wrong, at least not at that particular time, but maybe she does later. Most women can't just snap out of their feelings because it's a shitty feeling to have. We have them, and we suffer with them. If that means sleeping alone, then so be it. I dont think she has found out how to let her feelings pass so that they benefit both her and you. I dont even know if women have that ability, I certainly dont have it even though I wish I did. Then it is the question itself "who is in the wrong". Could it not possibly be that you are both right? Her disagreeing with you does not mean she's wrong. It means she sees things differently. Its a part of what you yourself said: you two are different. Is she the one who is quick to judge and say who is wrong? To me it sounds as if she isnt, if she likes to bottle things up instead. So listen to her choice of words. Is she saying you are wrong to not want to talk to her for at least 20 minutes everytime she calls? Or is she saying she feels hurt that you wont talk to her for this and that long when she calls? Two different statements my dear. Two different meanings. Its contradicting that at one point you say she's very private person, and the next you say it didnt take long for her to start nagging on you about the calling-situation. Indeed, she is nagging, and thats not nice of her, so Im not justifying that, but do you see what I mean? She doesnt really sound like she has a problem with opening up to you. Sounds like you might have a problem understanding when she is opening up, and what she means when she uses the words she use.Best of luck, I could go on forever, but hopefully this have shed some light on the situation. If not then I am completely off here, so scratch it all.
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