A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:36 F, never had a boyfriend, considering losing virginitySo I'm 36 f, considering having sex for the first time. Myriad reasons it hasn't happened yet I suppose. I've never had a boyfriend before...men just don't seem to be attracted to me in that way, and i need a connection to even have any physical attraction. I learned of the term demusexual recently, it totally describes me. I think there have been a number of issues- growing up as a huge nerd/overachiever in a small town, no one liked me; then dual degree with working 20-30 hrs a week. Later on a 4 yr medicine program that was 75/25% women to men (and half the men were gay) and then travelling/working abroad 2+ yrs. I guess I didn't make the extra time when younger though I did always have crushes, interest not returned.I tend to let a guy know when I'm interested, which unfailingly is either falling for a friend (who unfortunately only sees me as a friend) or in an intense situation together like a trip where you get to know someone more rapidly. I've been told men seem either to think they're not good enough (this is smallest percentage, usually I learned months if not years after) and never made a move, thought either I had a boyfriend or wasn't interested in dating (there's been times of maybe yr or so at a time 3-4 times I just wasn't interested), or thought because i was a confident, independent seeming woman, I'd be DTF right away. 3 times I came close to sex but the guys were drunk and it was too soon for me, I had to push away, and that ended our situation which apparently was just hookup (in retrospect a good thing- 2 of the three outright lied and said they were single when they weren't).I recently move back to my old city and had a crisis moment where i realized while I'd been having lots of adventures many people had settled down and I'm way behind the ball. Joined online dating, which left me flabbergasted, as I get 50+ messages a day there, but no attention in real life. I tried to think why and I think that my body posture and facial expressions really limit me, let alone my monotone- I'm a person who people always tell to smile or ask why I'm sad or upset. Um, that's my face? But I'm trying to work on it as well as being more goofy, physically, like dancing etc. Dating tho has been terrible because again meeting very few guys I feel a connection with, and even within first 1-3 dates they say they don't want to go out, even there is something wrong with me, because such limited history (yes they ask about this even on 1st date- I guess fair enough). So even more killing my confidence.Anyway I reconnected with an old colleague/acquaintance. I got to know him better and it seemed like there was a lot more depth to him than I suspected, we have a LOT in common, also he had lost weight, recently quit smoking, cut back drinking etc. True to form I suddenly became very attracted to him. When hanging out and heat broke I asked him to hold me and that led to making out and cuddling. We have hung out a couple times since (1-2x/week for a month) that also ended in intensifying making out/cuddling/spooning in the morning and he has shared MANY intimate things about himself...but, has also told me twice he isn't ready for a relationship. To be honest the whole thing feels like dating to me and I told him I dont really care what we are calling it right now, the pace is fine, and I'm enjoying getting to know him. Which is true. He has an ex who is a literal stalker as well as still grief from a death in the family last year, and generally getting his life together, looking toward settling down in next couple years it seems. It seems more an issue of him wanting space, not him dating anyone else (he actually told me that in the past he had dated multiple women at once and didn't think he'd do that again). I've tried to respect that and am in fact away for a few weeks now.He has definitely been cool with respecting my physical boundaries which to be honest weren't an issue, I even told him it was cool he was going slow because every other guy I did anything with tried to get as much as they could right away. And he was very sorry that those were my experiences.I always thought I would have my first time with a guy I was in a committed relationship with but now am considering asking him to work with me. I don't feel he will rush me at all or judge, he is very supportive in general. But I also know that my feelings are more than his, and I worry about being hurt if he decides eventually to not pursue anything serious with me. Please advise.
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confidence, crush, drunk, my ex, never had a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018): I understand your frustration. I wouldn't advice you to have sex with this guy in particular because you're not on the same page. You sound like you are developing feelings for him and you say being with him feels like dating, but he literally says he's not ready for a relationship or dating, plus he's still dealing with the loss of a family member and his stalker ex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here...well, issue is that he isn't my bf...he said he's not ready to date. I'm not expecting him to commit or something if we sleep together, I think you misunderstood me answerer #5. My thing is whether or not it will be hard for me to deal with it meaning more for me vs him. He has been very respectful of boundaries and going slow, I do feel like he provides a safe space to explore without judgement, which I've not had before. Just worried with the aftermath of feelings on my end.
That being said, yeah, I guess if waited this long then what's even more. It's just soooo frustrating, why no one I am attracted to wants to date me. I have this whole romantic-physical side with very little outlets (for me doing music and endurance exercise)
For the person who wanted to know friend's feedback, it's basically about what I mentioned, or the bs (sorry) one poster said about it happening when not looking (this has just not been the case ever for me), or tjings like I don't know or I don't get it. They don't know anyone to set me up with and indeed one friend has been saying I shoild date this guy for years (joke's on me tho- now I'm interested to date but I guess he's not?)
Oh, and yes. I'm in the medical field, totally know about birth risks. Don't really want to have kids but if I did I've always planned to adopt.
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male
reader, YouKnowI'mRight +, writes (12 April 2018):
I'm 45 and have never been to Wisconsin. It doesn't make me any less of a normal human. Same with having sex. If you haven't, you haven't. No big deal, and no reason to do it just to say you've done it. Not to mention, it's a rather disgusting act when you think about it, and you'd probably rather not do it with someone unless your feelings for him are so strong they override said thinking about itsup*/sup. And if ithat's/i the case, why not become his wife?
(sup*/supNot to mention all the things you have to do to prevent unwanted consequences!)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018): You sound a bit unusual. Do you want children? That is pretty much the only thing you should be rushing for. If you want to have kids the normal way, you need to get going...
Wikipedia says " a woman's risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is... at age 35, 1 in 338 and at age 40, 1 in 84."
Have you asked female friends why they think guys aren't attracted to you? They might have some insight that you haven't considered.
Anyway, I wouldn't rush sex just for sex's sake.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): You have nothing to be ashamed of. I lost my virgintiy at 28, so I congratulate you on being so respectful of yourself! Women like us barley exist these days.
I thought I was going to be a virgin forever, and when I decided to give up on those dating sites, stopped drowning my sorrows and started enjoying life, hanging with friends, going yo the gym and feeling good again, he just suddenly came from no where.
Believe me, I thought that saying "when you stop looking they come to you" was a load of nonsense, until then. After 8 months, I just knew my love for him and the love he gave me was different to any other relationship I had experienced. (We've been together for 2 years now).
I can assure you, it is worth the wait soooo much! It's so intense and passionate when you are both in love. So please, save it for someone you can feel special and connect with, rather than giving it up to someone who isn't looking for any commitment. You will only regret it later on. All the best x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): A few things to think about.
Are you comfortable with your own body? Are you comfortable with the concept of sex? Do you masturbate? Do you know what you find sexually arousing?
But most importantly, you should talk to your boyfriend about all of this. If you don't feel comfortable telling him about your virginity you almost certainly won't feel comfortable in the bedroom with him. If he's the right person for you then he'll understand and you'll take the journey into a whole new set of amazing experiences together.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2018):
 You do know that YOU will still be you after you have sex, right?
You will not change in some profound way.
If this guy is willing to hang out with you, is a little physical with you... then why can't you two just date?
Now, I get that you are curious and feel like "this is an opportunity!" - but you have had those before... if all you wanted to do was to give away your virginity -
"I even told him it was cool he was going slow because every other guy I did anything with tried to get as much as they could right away."
Having sex is a VERY intimate thing. And if you are ALREADY worried that he might not want anything serious with you - then know this - SEX WILL NOT change that. Having sex with you will NOT change how he sees you. Sharing your FIRST time with a guy will NOT make him so grateful that he will now date you. He doesn't OWE you a relationship in return for having had sex with you.
You have waited 20 years, (since age 16) and having found the time or MADE the time for relationships so why not take your time on finding someone you can see a future with and who can see a future with you?
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