A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a divorcee and have suffered lot of physical and verbal abuse during one year of marriage. This happened 4yrs back and I'm single since then.Have entered into few relationship after that, but they were couple of years younger to me and unmarried. I loved them more then myself, but they couldn't go against their parents and departed. I'm scared now to fall in love again. I never hurt anyone and even warn these guys regarding not breaking my heart. Still this happens again and again. What should I do, what kind of person I should look for, for my soulmate and life partner.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (25 December 2010):
 this is a short post script. The following did not get a mention, as you did not indicate if your relationships that broke down were ones where you had allowed sexual relations to commence. So perhaps not.
However as a divorcee (applies to widows too) be especially careful of some immature men who see such a woman as ''easier'' for them to interest in sexual relations. These are not men to ever bother with. Do not spend time with such men.
If a man is genuine and cares about you, as a person, not as his next sexual conquest, then he will be willing to put in the time to talk with you, get to know you etc, before sexual relations are even
discussed.
This fallacious and dumb idea that you 'grow closer' to a man by agreeing to sexual relations with the man and by meeting lust needs is a fallacy, believed only by the very young or the very
promiscus.
You are far more likely to be dropped soon after such a shallow man has had his sexual needs met. Then he moves on to his next conquest.
You know you deserve better than that. You will never lose the right man by getting to know him better and meeting his friends and spending good times with him, but also delaying before agreeing to sexual relations.
If a man urgently wants to go straight to sex then show him the door.
Sex is the icing on the cake, NOT the first course.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 December 2010):
When you are looking out for a new man, it sounds to me as if:
(1) you have no plan on exactly what you want. And that you need a plan.
(2) you have low self esteem - and need to do things to raise it.
(3) if a reasonable (to you, at the time) offers to be with you, then you accept his wish to be with you, with hope in your heart, but without asking (who is this
man who, and is he the man I want and need) yourself, before accepting his offer.
(1)Your plan of who is the right man for you should focus on what is right for you. It is not a description of the way the man looks. It is a plan of the character traits/actions that you consider essential.
You decide what is on your list. But to illustrate what was in my list here are a few things important to me, but you write your own list.
For example:
Is respected by his friends, peers, family and workmates.
Speaks respectfully of and to his mother and his family.
Is gainfully employed/has stable job
Manages his finances effectively
Not an alcoholic and not a heavy drinker
(there are other things on the list - but you can now see from the few listed,
how the list works)
(2)Your self esteem needs work. If you can, see a counsellor to explore why you are not putting yourself first. See if you can find a book or a course on improving your assertion skills. by developing new personal interests. By achieving new goals. And attend a course or read some books on being assertive.
(3)When you do meet a new guy do make sure he meets your criteria to meet you needs. And drop him if you find he is not meeting your needs,
And do not bring up your past - if former guys are brought up it does not help the current relationship. Also, do not nag!
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Hi
nearly New year...maybe a new you...
be brave and journey without a map...please don't scare them off by pre warning them you are vunerable...you are strong and have the possibilities to change old patterns and beliefs that nolonger serve your growth.
Happy Christmas...and new year :)
Spunky monkey
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A
male
reader, pup1234  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 hi sweethart, you have just got to wait, you will not meet the right guy, why you are looking for him he will turn up one day then you will find happnes,
dont try to hard x
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