A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I have lost interest in someone that I would like not to lose interest in, for shallow reasons. I'm not sure if I'm suffering from commitment phobia or if I'm just a shallow jerk, or both. I had a crush on a guy that managed a local store for 5 months. He wasn't the best looking guy in the world, but there was something about him that really intrigued me. I went in almost everyday with hope that I would get to talk to him. Long story short, he had a huge crush on me as well and we ended up going out. Things moved fast. Perhaps it was the months of sexual tension. The following morning he kept asking me relationship type questions. This scared me, but at the same time I was flattered and appreciated the fact that he seemed like a nice guy.So, this is where I become a big jerk. He smiled at me all big and showed his teeth. All this time he always grinned with his lips locked or only slightly parted, and I now understand why. His teeth are very bad. I can handle a few crooked teeth, but they are very crooked and the top teeth are extremely yellow.I know... How could I not notice this after 5 months of crushing on the guy and seeing him almost daily? He actually knows they are bad, but can't afford to fix them and consciously hides them. He also has a lot of tattoos. I noticed he had some, but a few didn't bother me too much, but with his shirt off he has a ton. I feel like I'm going out with a convict. Lol! I know, I'm being ridiculous, but a little history on me- I was raised poor and lower class I suppose, but I changed my life. I've been surrounded by beautiful people and upscale things for over a decade- but at the same time, I just recently returned to my hometown, kind of to get away from the over-the-top shallow industry, city and lifestyle I lived in- irony.Without sounding like a complete narcissistic, I'm considered an attractive woman, not a supermodel, but I have done print modeling in the past: symmetrical features, decent shape, nice teeth, hair, skin etc.. I always thought I wasn't shallow, as I have always preferred more average looking men, but this man's teeth and style really bother me. This is going to sound absolutely disgusting for me to write, but I feel like it makes him look trashy. Of course, in his work attire he doesn't look too shabby- a collard shirt does wonders for him.More history, I'm a complete health nut. He smokes and isn't that healthy. He also has a heavy step that I noticed and walks a little weird. He has chronic pain from a blood flow issue in his feet (probably from the smoking). I never noticed his walk before. So, I'm not sure if I'm not nitpicking the guy to death or if it's really that noticeable. But I think the teeth and health issues are connected- and it is a physical attraction killer for me.It sounds like, what's the point in asking for advice, right? Well, he is really nice to me. I think he has a cute face, he's tall and has beautiful shoulders. He is gentlemanly, patient and genuine- all qualities that can be hard to find. He really likes me, for me- not just because he thinks I'm pretty. I feel like I can do or say anything around him without fear of judgement. I think if we became serious, though he's not a wealthy man, I think he would do his best to take care of me- not that I need that, but I like the thought. These qualities are important to me now that I am in my early 30s. I wonder if I have commitment issues, as I tend to only go for relationships that can't work- like choosing the guy that's moving out of state in a month, or dating only emotionally unavailable men, or if this guy's physical flaws that I hardly noticed over the past 5 months are really as bad as I'm making them out to be. I just want to cry because I don't know what to do and I think he deserves someone that will love him for him.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (31 July 2012):
 I think you need to do this poor man a favor, and let him go. If you can't except him for who is is, at this moment, then no amount of change is going to be good enough for you. As soon as he "fixes" one thing, you find something else. If it really is his soul that you are attracted to, then none of these petty surface issues would matter.
Somewhere there is a woman who will love him completely, flaws and all, and you need to let him go so he can find HER. This is clearly not the one for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. I ended up telling him how I feel as gently as possible. I told him that I really enjoy spending time with him, because I do, but I don't see a future. I even mentioned the teeth thing- he knows I'm a health nut and obsessive over my own. I don't think he was too hurt by that, but I'm sure he didn't like it. But, when I told him I didn't see a future so much, he looked so crushed I couldn't stand myself. Anyhow, we are still seeing each other- but casually and less often, which makes me feel better. I realize that I miss him when we don't see each other- that means something right?His teeth don't seem to bother me nearly as much as they did- but he's using some stuff from the dentist and perhaps he's brushing the crap out of them because he realizes that it was bad. Improvement there... but if it's not one thing it's another. Now, I think he's physically good looking again, but I'm finding fault in his job. He's a manager and his staff walks all over him and they don't respect him. I can handle that I am much more successful than he is, in a similar field, but it turns me off that he doesn't seem to know how to carry himself with authority and command his role.Jeez, I don't understand why I'm having trouble letting go of this guy. I like him, but I hate everything about him as well. It's like I see this beautiful soul- this loving man. I know that I want a loving man. I know that looks aren't the most important thing in the world. I actually think he's cute. It's just that I want to get married eventually, and to a man that I consider equal to me. Not that I'm above him- I just want someone on the same page. I am a go-getter and have worked my way from the bottom to the top. I try to take exceptional care of me and whenever I want to advance myself, you can guarantee I will be researching- learning what I need to learn or taking new approaches until I achieve my goal. Obviously, I am not rich or a genius, but I have a lot of confidence in my competences- he does not have these qualities. He used to run his own business. He started another small company with a product he makes, but then the idea fell stagnant. I see all this potential in him, but I know I can't make it happen.Ugh, I'm frustrated. I obviously like him- I wish all this other stuff didn't matter to me. I just don't know what to do... I guess I'll continue being casual and see if my feelings change. Perhaps, I will chill out and be less judgement. Perhaps he will get his stuff together and take a little more pride in himself and his work. If that actually happened, well- that's a big turn on for me.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 I'd like to say to you to give it a go and see if you can get over these things that put you off, but you've already done lots of thinking and it sounds as if you don't think you can. Look, don't give yourself a hard time over this. If you only ever saw him behind a counter with a shirt, and now you've seen all these other things, you are allowed to change your mind. You can't force yourself to fancy someone, no matter how nice a person they are. And once you've noticed a 'turn off', it's so hard to ignore. I was friends with a very skinny guy for a while and we were both miserable in the end (him more than me, I'm sorry to say) because I just didn't fancy him at all. He was a nice guy with a handsome face etc but was soooo thin and it's just not for me. I tried to fancy him but I didn't and tried the friendship thing to see if feelings would develop but they didn't; if anything I found him less and less attractive and the thought of anything physical with him was out of the question! It got unpleasant and I felt very bad for stringing him along. There were other factors as well but the fact that I was not attracted to him was something I couldn't get past.If you realise you have commitment issues, that's one thing (and recognising it is the first step to tackling that) but this sounds like a simple case of lack of attraction. I don't think you're being shallow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess his teeth aren't "extremely" yellow, but they are seriously stained to hell. I think about him a lot when he's not around and the thought of not seeing him bums me out. I imagine him getting his teeth fixed and I think if he had nice teeth, that would make a huge difference, because he is a cute- cool looking guy. I look at him and remember how cute I thought he was before we went out. I even ran into him at a bar once and saw him in regular clothes and thought he was hot.Our first date, a couple of women came right up and started hitting on him. The teeth are bad, but not that noticeable all the time. I'm just nitpicking him to death and perhaps it's because he is so into me so quickly. I tend to like the guys that keep me on my toes a little more and I wonder if that is a commitment phobia or self esteem issue on my part, or if I'm like a man and just like more of a challenge.Also, I was very attracted to his low voice, but now that he stares in my eyes with a look of love, his voice has softened and he talks to me very gently... I know he's being sweet, but I wish he would be a little less willing to give me his heart- I just don't want that responsibility and I'm the type of person that waits much longer to profess my feelings and desires for the long term- even if I am desiring them.Boy, I feel like such a shallow B right now. He texts me everyday, "Morning beautiful"...
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (27 July 2012):
When you are TRULY attracted to a person, you don't nick-pick their physical features to pieces. It doesn't necessarily mean you're being shallow, you're just not as a attracted to him as you thought you were.
In the beginning, you were crushing on the "idea" of him. There was enough chemistry there, for you to want to get to know him better. Now you have, and reality has set in.
I really don't think this is the relationship for you. It doesn't matter how nice of a guy he is, or what admirable qualities he has. If you can't get passed the physical attributes that turn you off, the relations wont work.
You can't force yourself to be physically attracted to someone.
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