A
male
age
51-59,
*amesy4444
writes:I have been seperated from my wife of 14yrs for over 9 months and in that period i have had a couple of relaionships one which hurt me alot. We split because i didnt love her following many years of her gambling addiction and all the lies and stuff that went with that. I have 4 kids who mostly live with me and i also have a full time job.It just seems that my life is stuck in a rut and i am going no where. The women i have met through dating sites or the net are never what i want because they are not my type, or they are to old or live to far away, in a relationship etc. I seems that the women i like wont go for me because i have 4 kids. I have lost my self confidence and my sex drive has all but disapeared. I chat to women regularly and every one says i am a nice guy and i will find some one but i know at the moment i am sending all the wrong signals and i cant change it. I have a good job and a house and on the surface things look good, but underneath i am desperatly unhappy and want to love some one and be loved. What can i do to change this, i have tried new stuff like Salsa dancing and trying to get out but i dont have any confidence to talk to women.
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (20 May 2007):
 I am sorry to hear about your painful divorce. As I read all the postings below, especially from the "anonymous" female, I have to agree with what is being said. I have been divorced for almost 11 years, I've dated and was in 2 other relationships that went nowhere. The thing is, to really meet someone it should be when you are most comfortable and happy with yourself. I spent so many wasteful hours/days/years looking for that someone who was going to "make" me happy because I did not like being alone. I felt sad, sorry for myself...and actually thought he was just going to pop up from nowhere and say "Here I am"! And had that happened, I would still be struggling because deep down inside, I know that whom ever I was to meet should not be there for that reason. I started doing things that "I" enjoyed doing. For so long, I used to feel cheated after my divorce and in both my dead end relationships because I felt my age was passing in a glance...and here I am still single(40yrs young)and never had any children of my own. I was someone who wanted to be in a healthy marriage with children. I see myself today as a very happy person, who has a wonderful, successful job, nice beautiful home and who goes out with all my friends for many different occasions of what we enjoy. That is what makes me happy and I am very content with myself. And IF I am to ever meet someone, great! However, I do believe we all will meet someone...it's just about making the right choices in our life instead of making foolish or desparate one's. It's when we make the wrong one's, we most certainly could/will be missing an opportunity of meeting that someone special. I applaud you for taking Salsa dancing...something I always wanted to do - and it's still on my list! What about taking a men's sport of baseball or football league. Great way to be involved with your male friends and yes, the possibility of meeting some women as well. Just enjoy doing the things YOU like to do and don't worry about "looking" for her. You'll meet her when you least expect it and you'll know it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): I divorced ten years ago, I felt really vulnerable, low and lonely at times. I used to do a lot of pubbing & clubbing to enjoy myself and was constantly on the look out for a partner and hopefully a fulfilling relationship. After many years looking and dating the wrong sorts of men and being generally disappointed. All the angst of dating will he be the one etc and getting quite stressed out over any attachments. I finally came to my senses and decided the only person that can make me happy is me!! I've been out of any relationship for nearly 5 months and am quietly enjoying the peace of my own company. I've stopped the relentless searching and am enjoying myself, socialising with friends and family. I find that because I am no longer putting pressure on myself 'to be in a relationship' because it is not the be all and end all. I find that I have become more relaxed and am approached more now by men than ever. I think after my divorce I was possibly coming across to men as needy and they were taking advantage of that. So rather than look at your cup as half empty you must look at it as half full. You have four great kids, who before you know it will be grown up.You have a good job, a home which is great. I think its good you've had the courage to take up salsa dancing, that's very positive. Try and do more things too involving your family and friends, when you become more happy with yourself I'm sure that special someone will find you.
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A
female
reader, NowWhat?  +, writes (20 May 2007):
Hi Jamesy;
I too got divorced after 11yrs of misery. Like you i thought i had no chance of ever finding love again. The thing i discovered is that love is not sought, it just hits you in it's own good time, and when it does it is the most incredibly beautiful thing that could ever happen to you. So stop searching my friend, enjoy your many blessings and your life for what it is. Expand your circles and try to go out more but whatever you do don't compromise your feelings and what you expect in a partner for fleeting gratification.
Wishing you all the happiness there is...
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A
male
reader, Rikki  +, writes (20 May 2007):
Take a break from thinking all this for some time. JUst relax. And let the things happen dont force....Will bring ur confidence back
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