A
male
age
41-50,
*hamus
writes:Hi, I have been married for the last seven years and been together for 12 years with my wife. Since our marriage we have 2 wonderful children. The first years were really good but over time with pressures of work and children we have grown apart. We have not had a great sex life apart from when we first got togther, the only times we slept together was when we had children, so we are talking years in-between. I was not really too bothered and did not realise how damaging this could be to our relationship. I'm not saying it is the be all and end all but feel it is quite important to have a healthy sex life. There is no intimacy there at all now, we dont cuddle, we dont kiss, we don't sleep together and we hardly speak. If I go out and she asked a for a goodbye kiss and there is no feeeling there, it's like doing it cause you feel you have to and not cause you want to. We even sit in separate rooms, she watches telly in the evenings and i either work or go out on my own. Its very rare that we do things together, I usually end up taking the kids out myself.To put a twist on things I have also met someone else, but I don't feel proud about and on the same breath I do not feel guilty. It's shown me what I have not had with my wife. We have real intimacy and I've really never felt this way about anyone else before. I have really strong feelings for this other women but understand that it may not last even if I do leave my wife. Is life too short to pass this chance of real happiness by?My point is that I know that I should not leave my wife for this other women and the only reason why i would leave is because we have grown apart. I have stopped seeing this other woman so I can make a decision on what to do. I also love my kids and if I do leave was wondering how they would cope with it? I really dont want to hurt my kids or wife but fear that this maybe the only option. What good am I to her if I dont love her? In my life I feel that I have moved on and over the last 3 years have really found myself and what I want out of life, I have direction and focus and need to knuckle down. I fear if I stay I will not be able to do this and will end up resenting my wife. Is it fair to say that you can't live you life to make other poeple happy and you only get one chance in life?Any advice would be welcome and I hope this make sense and you do not see me as a bad person for having an affair but I feel that things happen for a reason and whether I get together with this other woman or not it has shown me that you can find real happiness.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, shamus +, writes (10 August 2009):
shamus is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I am the OW in this scenario... if you want happiness in your life... stop seeing the OW right now... talk to your wife about how you feel... end your marriage and when all is said and done you still have the feelings for the OW and she is still available then it was meant to be. If you continue to see the OW then you will eventually suffer from tremendous guilt and not know whether you are coming or going. I have been the OW and I stayed with the MM and I am still with him after 2 years... I went through his divorce with him and he suffered tremendous guilt and we almost fell completely apart. This new love feels really great but if you continue down this path with the OW while ending your marriage it is going to be a hard road... end one relationship before starting the next or you will be on an emotional rollarcoaster along with your wife and the OW for a long time. Do it right while you still have the chance and the best of luck to you I truly know what you are going through."
Thanks for your advice. This is what I am in the process of doing. Not seeing the OW and gonna speak to my wife. There's no way I could deal with a long term affair because thats not what I am after. I just want to be happy!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): i cannot understand how people write in saying that the cheaters feel guilt. what do they feel gulity about exactly. the fact that they were caught with their pants down (literally)with their lies and deciet.guilt is not in their vocabulary, it certainly isn't one of their emotions anyways. i actually get speechless when people talk about cheaters and their guilt. wow. i am guessing it is one of lifes many wonders. GET THIS STRAIGHT- CHEATERS DO NOT FEEL GULITY. THEY ACT AS THOUGH THEY FEEL GUILTY. that is the difference.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I am the OW in this scenario... if you want happiness in your life... stop seeing the OW right now... talk to your wife about how you feel... end your marriage and when all is said and done you still have the feelings for the OW and she is still available then it was meant to be. If you continue to see the OW then you will eventually suffer from tremendous guilt and not know whether you are coming or going. I have been the OW and I stayed with the MM and I am still with him after 2 years... I went through his divorce with him and he suffered tremendous guilt and we almost fell completely apart. This new love feels really great but if you continue down this path with the OW while ending your marriage it is going to be a hard road... end one relationship before starting the next or you will be on an emotional rollarcoaster along with your wife and the OW for a long time. Do it right while you still have the chance and the best of luck to you I truly know what you are going through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): 2 months and you want to throw it all away just for f8cking the new exciting woman. get real. you throw 12 years away for sex with someone you hardly know. and how about looking at this - your mistress knew you are married, yet she started the affair knowiing that you have a wife and kids. speaks volumes of her......opening her legs (crude, yes)for just a few moments with someone she hardly knows .reality check - if she is willing to stoop this low with you, she will do the same when she is with you. it happens all the time. the thrill of this affair will end. in time.
such a weakling - you do not want to tell your wife now because it doesn't suit you. the family dos are just an excuse. you are selfish. you want to end this on your terms. you do not want to spoil things for yourself. like so many people conducting affairs, you are behaving selfishly. as always. be man enough to make a decision, now, not wait and pretend and then bring your wifes life crashing down. try doing the right thing for a change.
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A
male
reader, shamus +, writes (5 August 2009):
shamus is verified as being by the original poster of the question"i am in a similar situation to you, i have met this man and he is lovely, king very loving. he has said to me he only loves his wife because of his daughter (mother to his child) and she always puts him down and makes him feel worthless. am not saying that you do this to your waife but i always believe if you do not love someone or you are with someone just because of the kids then who are you hurting? yourself and your wife when she eventually finds out. but just also think that is this other women what you look for, your not just going to go with her because of what you dont get back at home with your family. you should look at the difference between you wife and your lover and have a real think about it. dont just leave your wife because you get sex some where else it may be good with them now but it could end up in the same situation as what you are in now however though it could be your lover who strays this time."It's not just sex, its more than that..I have not felt like this about anybody before, not even my wife. I think with my wife it was just sex. Being young, naieve and not really having any direction life. But now I am older and wiser I do know what I want and I know my feelings. We get on really well too and have a lot in common, she feels the same too. These are very strong feelings.
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A
male
reader, shamus +, writes (5 August 2009):
shamus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. I will take your views onboard. To the answer at the top - "just remember, should you decide to give up on your family and be with the other woman, the exciting phase will wear off and normal home life will resume, will it still look so rosey." do you think that this is true in all cases and after failing once would you not be more in tune to dealing with future issues?To the second answer - "i have read here that if one starts an affiar and if they do not leave by 3 months then they would never. in your case i think it stands true. you see you want the stability of a family life with your wife and the excitment of an affair." I have only being seeing this other woman for 2 months and it's not the stabilty I'm looking for it's my happiness, it's not the excitement of the affair that I like, if it was I think it would of fizzled out by now. Its just f*****g that I want it's the intimacy that goes with it, I dont think I could even bring myself to sleep with my wife again. It's not just sex either, if it was again I believe it would have fizzled out, it is much more than that.I dont blame my wife, it is just one of those parts of life that happens, it is also half my fault too i understand that. I would never stop her from being happy, I would love for her to find another man that can love her more than I do. I dont hate her and if I could I would even support her through out my life.To the third answer - The affair has stopped now as I need to sort out what I really want and how i real feel.When is a good time to talk to her, I suppose there is no good time. I was going to wait a couple of weeks as we have some family do's and did not want to spoil anything. Is a trial separation the way forward?? If after a while of not seeing this other woman and I still feel the same, is this not worth fighting for, I just think life is too short to deny myself and my wife of real happiness. Suppose the first step is to find out how she feels. Things can work out sometimes for the better surely??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): i am in a similar situation to you, i have met this man and he is lovely, king very loving. he has said to me he only loves his wife because of his daughter (mother to his child) and she always puts him down and makes him feel worthless. am not saying that you do this to your waife but i always believe if you do not love someone or you are with someone just because of the kids then who are you hurting? yourself and your wife when she eventually finds out. but just also think that is this other women what you look for, your not just going to go with her because of what you dont get back at home with your family. you should look at the difference between you wife and your lover and have a real think about it. dont just leave your wife because you get sex some where else it may be good with them now but it could end up in the same situation as what you are in now however though it could be your lover who strays this time.think carefully
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): you and your wife are very apart right now, nothing though that cannot be fixed if you put the effort into it, and i mean both of you. that all depends on how much you want to stay in your family and whether she wants you to stay also.
by involving another woman, (and you are right the grass always does look greener, but seldom ever is) you are comparing you wife to her. which makes it even harder to make the desicion based on your true wants.
just remember, should you decide to give up on your family and be with the other woman, the exciting phase will wear off and normal home life will resume, will it still look so rosey.
i think talking with your wife, explaining how the lack of love and affection between you is destoying your marriage, and deciding to wither fix it or end it is the way to go.
if you both decide to end it then take some time for yourself.
then when you are back on form and feel it so persue the other woman, if she wants you she will wait until you are ready.
think very hard about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): not loving your wife is one thing, but having an affair while still married to her is altogether something else. you seem weak in not having the guts to move on and divorce your wife. i have read here that if one starts an affiar and if they do not leave by 3 months then they would never. in your case i think it stands true. you see you want the stability of a family life with your wife and the excitment of an affair. mke no mistake you conducted yourself badly by starting to sleep around with this other woman. you shouls have had the guts to end your marriage. you are doing what so many other adulterers do - act selishly. you have selfishly used your wife for stability yet act away with another. your selfish actions have to stop. either have the balls to say i quit and move on or keep a lid on it and enjoy the family life. you have had the best of both worlds for what 3 years now. so yes decision time - the other woman or the wofe. you can only hve one. if you choose the wofe then counselling and yes even a sexologist to get the f*cking back into your marriage (have to be blunt because this is what you are craving, sorry). you need to be brutally honest and tell the wife what you have been up to, if you can salvage the marriage, great. if not then time to consult an attorney. remember this the affair did not give you peace. it only gave you sexual elease, nothing more. so lets use the 80/20 rule. are you happy 80 % of the time with the wife. if yes, then work on the other 20% sex side of the marriage. this other woman is no tthe answer and i think you know it.
you just want to be loved. it may surprise you but have you thought that perhaps your wife is also missing the sex in her life. how old is she, in her thirties. well you may not know this but she is in her prime sexually. so get to the bottom of why there is no sex. start communicating. (i am 38 and my hb complains that i want it all the time, so something is wrong if she is not getting it, or if she doesn't want it.)
what is concerning is that you are not feeling guilty of having an affair. what so many married men fail to realise is that women want to screw but we don't want to be screwed over. big difference. screwing up your wifes life is not the answer. so no guilt, no remorse. then just end the marriage. after all that is what a real man will do. stop the self pitying and start living. give yourself and your wife another chance at happiness. your wife also deserves to meet a faithful man so please do not stand in her way. the kids will cope with the divorce but learn to be honest. st least to yourself. what i have read is a man too afraid to take that final step. me talking about marriage counselling in my previous paragragh will not work if you are not committed to your marriage and i think you are. so stop blaming your wife (strange how people always blame their partners when they stray). don't be surprised if your wife is getting hugs, cuddles and sex from someone else. stranger things have happened. just don't be one of those men who believe well, i don't want the wife but also don't want another man to have her. so do the unselfish thing and sign on the dotted line. if you dare.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): You and your wife have drifted apart, this does happen in relationships where partners take each other for granted. The fact that you are having an affair is putting extra pressure on your relationship with your wife.
I do suggest that you sit down with your wife and tell her how you are feeling [dont tell her about the affair] you need to find out how she is feeling about the marriage....
Both people in a relationship have to want to make it work, and from what I am reading, you have already decided that you want out of the marriage.
All marriages/relationships go through good times and bad times, and its what we put into the marriage that makes it good or bad.
You will not solve any problems by having an affair, but unfortunately a lot of people seem to fall into that trap of moaning about their partners but not talking to their partners to try and sort out the problems.
I suggest you and your wife go and see a marriage counsellor, why break up a marriage because the grass looked greener on the otherside??? Remember what you put into a marriage is what you get out!!
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