A
male
age
41-50,
*hecko13
writes:Hi there, I began dating a friend of mine who is 40 years old and her and I were together for 11 months. It seemed like things were serious as she moved to a townhouse closer to me so that we could see each other during the week. During the time we were together I was going through a separation from my ex-wife and throughout the relationship she would listen to my stories about my kids, bought them things before she even met them. I finalized the divorce and months later I was ready to introduce her to my kids because I believed I loved her. My daughter has an anxiety issue over big events like birthdays where she has thrown up in the past if she was told about them beforehand. I came up with the idea for her to meet us at the zoo but my idea was for us to "bump into her" so that it wasn't too much pressure on my kids and to avoid my daughters anxiety issue. My intensions were good but this idea made her mad since she felt that she deserved better since she waited so long. She broke up over the phone with me over this idea. I realized later that I could have compromised and told my kids on the way there ( instead of the night before ) that they would be meeting someone but that day had already past and she has mostly shut me out. She seemed like she was leaning towards coming back and then stopped contacting me. I probably overpursued her as well. I tried to compromise again and introduce them on Halloween and another time but she refused to come out. She eventually met them at an event but it wasn't how she envisioned. I want her back in my life but she says we don't see eye to eye and we don't communicate well. We both did some blaming and she's adamant that she is done with the relationship. I apologized to her in detail on what I could of done better and how I understood her. Her response was: Thank you! I'm going to need more time before I can talk to you. I hope you understand. I've gone a week and half with no contact but wondering at what point I should reach out to her again or if I should wait for her to contact me?
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broke up, divorce, ex-wife, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): Maybe she wants you to romance her. Have you tried sending her flowers?I broke up with a guy once over a big misunderstanding too, and a couple of days later he had a dozen pink roses delivered to my house with a note that said I love you. And I don't mean flowers in a box that you pick up in the mail, which is tacky, btw..From an actual delivery guy. I was so happy. I picked up the phone right away, called him and we made up.
Maybe that's what she wants...some sort of sweeping gesture.
If not, then just give her another week. That'll give her time to cool off and miss you.
I would reach out to her again on Sunday. I bet by Friday she's going to be anxiously looking at her phone wondering if you'll call. Going the weekend without hearing from you is going to really make her miss you. So by Sunday, she'll certainly be ready to talk. Call her once. Say what you need to say. Let her know how you feel. If still you don't get a response, then leave her alone, know the ball is in her court and maybe she'll come around.
I do think you should try the flowers, though. She will really like that.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 December 2014):
 Pay attention to this (which you wrote): "I want her back in my life but she says we don't see eye to eye and we don't communicate well. ".... and convince yourself that you and she have no future.... so there's no reason for you to ever consider seeing her again....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): There is really an underlying issue this lady has with your having a ready-made family. She may be uncomfortable with your daughter's anxiety issues, and she's dancing around all her true feelings about your family as a whole. Presents don't mean squat!
In the meantime, she's also dangling you on a string. Giving herself the option to get over you; before you get-over her.
You're a recent divorcee with kids. You don't have time for flaky-women with wishy-washy issues. Don't place yourself on hold; because your hands are already full with dealing with your kids, and "their" growing pains.
Dealing with adults with silly issues is going to overwhelm and distract you. It will also over-challenge your patience. You can only spread yourself so thin. I doubt your ex-wife is happy about a divorce, the kids are still going through their adjustment to being in-between divorced parents; and you were even uncomfortable about introducing them in the first place. Which means you are still undergoing some unresolved divorce-related issues yourself.
You're just a tiny-bit concerned what the kids will report back to their mother about your date. Maybe a wee bit? That's part of the reason for that weird introduction.
If she was being an adult, she would understand your protective paternal-instincts. The needs of your children come first. I do agree with her that your convoluted way of introducing the kids was strange and confusing.
All you had to do was inform the children that you're seeing someone. You could have shown her pictures of the children, and the children pictures of her. They are used to this form of introduction; because they were born in the technological-age. People meet through pictures first, and later comes the formal introduction. It preps the kids mentally for the real thing.
Getting back to her, I recommend that you start readjusting your feelings; and give yourself more time to deal with the final aspects of your divorce. You also need to get the kids used to the fact that you are actively dating people.
Be sure you have a good talk with your daughter in the presence of her therapist, to avoid teenage-manipulation. Teens/tweens are highly intelligent, and capable of using their emotional disorder as a tool of control. They will focus everything on themselves, and derail your plans to suit their own satisfaction. Don't forget, she is a "person" with anxiety issues, not just an anxiety issue!
She is also the child and you're the parent. She has to adapt to her environment, and learn to deal with life as it comes. You can't always rearrange the scenery for her benefit. Try as you may. Her therapist will guide and advise you. The divorce is having some influence on her behavior. She may never like anyone you date. Be prepared!
Contact Ms. So-in-so, at your convenience. When you damned well feel like it. If she dismisses you, take that as an official breakup; and move on. She's creating unnecessary controversy. You've already got kids, you don't need complications that might have an adverse-effect on your emotions from childish grown-ups! You need to grow-up a little as well.
You got a divorce to rid yourself of relationship issues, don't start a whole new batch!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2014):
 If she has said:"I need more time" you NEED to respect that and give her whatever time she NEEDS. However that doesn't mean you have to sit on your hand for the next year.
I would give her a month, after that.. I'd look elsewhere for a partner.
I DO think the whole introduction thing could have been handled better BY the both of you ADULTS. What I suggest you DO in the future is ASK the woman you are dating if she would be OK with a slow/casual introduction to your kids because of your daughters issues. BUT I also think your "ex" GF handled the situation like a brat. If you had ALREADY told her that you daughter doesn't handle strangers or new situations very well and that YOU wanted to do the meeting in a way that would make it EASIER for you daughter, she should have had some compassion for the kid. YOU have to put your child first.
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