A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I'm pretty sure I'm falling for someone else. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We've been through a lot together and I used to love him a lot. He's done a few things now though that I thought I could get over but now I realise nearly 2 years later, I cant. He messed me around for this other girl for about 6 months. He told me he didnt love me and that he didnt want a relationship, but still kept persuing me and sleeping with me and seeing this other girl. He said nothing ever happened between them but he told her he loved and and persued her. Im pretty sure that if she reciprocated his feelings he would have cheated on me. I dont know why I 'stayed' with him. I think it was because at the time I thought I couldnt cope without him because I was going through a lot of personal turmoil with my family and he was the only person i had, so i clung onto him. He even caused me to have IBS because of all his crap, whenever she called him or vice versa i used to get incredible stomach cramps and throw up. Anyway this happened 2 years ago now, I thought I'd got over it until recently. I'm at a point in my life now where I'm settled, happyish, confident and I like my life. Now I realise that I was a complete fool for staying with him. If i could turn back time i would break up with him and never look back. The point is that now i think im falling for someone else, big style. But even though my boyfriend put me through so much hell i can bring myself to hurt him. I tried to break it off with him the other day and he just broke down and cried and begged. I hated seeing him like that. I didnt tell him it was because of the other guy. Even though i dont think im in love with him anymore i still care deeply about him. I just cant bring myself to hurt him. He says now that hes really sorry for all he did in the past, but i feel like that the damage has been done now. I haven't cheated on my bf with the other guy, I havent even told him how i feel, but i have a feeling he knows and feels the same too.I know the answer to this question may seem pretty obvious and im sure i have already considered it myself because ive been thinking about it for a while. I just needed to tell someone about it because i feel really down about it now. I feel like im trapped in my relationship and am doomed to be unhappy because i cant put me before anyone else, which has always been my problem.I will appreciate any advice, thanks for reading.
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female
reader, Scarlet +, writes (18 November 2006):
 Hello dear
I can really sympathise with you. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and although he wasn't horrible to me much, he was very controlling and for the first few years I felt like I could never survive without him.
For the past couple of years I have become more confident and I have realised that me and him had nothing much in common, and even though I tried my best to make it work, he just wasn't doing it for me anymore... so I decided to leave in August. I told him that I didn't want to hurt him, but I need my independance back and I have slowly been falling out of love with him for the past couple of years. I left for one night, and he phoned me sobbing his heart out saying he was going to die without me etc. so I came back the next day... I felt trapped. I told him that we could not make it work, nothing will work anymore, we are now finishing work on the house and then going our seperate ways, and we have both accepted it.
You need to think about yourself and do what you need to do, if you don't you will never be happy. I know he will be hurt and you will feel extremely guilty, but if you did stay, it wouldn't be fair on both of you. He will never be with someone who truly loves him and you will never be truly happy. If you leave, you boh have a chance of happiness in the long run with people more suited.
Be strong and think about your future and where you want to be... that works for me. It will be hard at first but as tme goes on, it does get easier and you will feel so happy when you get through it.
Take care x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): It is in women's natures to think of others, to want to help, to love, to support and to do our best to make others comfortable and happy. So it is not just you.
Now listen.
Be honest.
You know the answer you just have to make a decision and then follow through with it.
You are not a victim so stop thinking you are.
You can care for him but you do not love him the way he wants and needs.
If you cannot forgive him and the pain seems to worsen and you are becoming more unhappy and resentful...then let him go.
Give yourself time to heal and sort out the end of your relationship before pursuing said man you are crushing on.
You need to make a decision FIRST.
Take care Sweetie and this is only as hard as you make it.
*hugs*
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