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anonymous
writes:I posted a letter last week saying that my wife finally confessed to her affair after i had a mental breakdown. I want to thank you all for your advise in particular to the lady that said i should have a reality check. I know in my heart that everything you said was true but when you love someone as much as i loved my wife you only see the good in them and not the bad.I have now decided that i am going to end my marrage. Because of all the hurt that this have done to our five children i want to make it as easy as possible for them.I would like to kick my wife out the front door but this would only hurt our children more.Do anyone out there think it would be possible for us to continue to live as a family until our youngest child is old enough and then separate ? My wife is gutted that i have decided that i want to end our marrage and i am worried now for her mental state.I will always love her in my own way and i would like to stay friends with her for our childrens sake. but once that special trust that a couple have is gone there is nothing left
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): hI op
Why don't you post an update and ask the Moderators to link the two posts. or if you know how to link hen do it for ease of reference.
good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsad
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLink cheating august 11 thank you for your replys
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): it's notable that everyone says give the wife a chance, she mad a mistake..but do the aunts know that she denied her affair with her co -worker for almost 2 years. this woman continued seeing her lover as her "friend" for months after the affair apparently ended. all this emotional upheaval caused the OP to be institutionalised in a mental hospital. the wife knew the reason her hubby was in there was because of her affair, yet she continued to deny it. she thought nothing of putting her kids throught the pain of visiting their dad in the mental hospital, and still she denied her affair. she only confessed when the shrink advised her to come clean because her husband was not getting any better (i think).she still went out with her friends and jolled. now she claims she made a mistake after PUTTING THE OP IN THE MENTAL HOSIPTAL. This is such a sad case and my heart goes out to the OP. the kids suffer the most when a parent messes up. please remember you did not. it was the wife who had this affair and it was her behaviour that delibberately put you in the mental institution. instead of waiting until the youngest is old enough, you need to sit them down and talk to them. i think they perhaps know much of what has transpired, do not blackened their mothers name, tell them you love them but you need some closure. they need to know that they have done nothing wrong, that you will always be there for them and always love them. divorce is hard for all people. you also need to heal so please seek counselling. your wife as well for her part in all this. why she allowed you to be institutionalised in the first place. i wish you peace and strength during this traumatic time. i know you love your kids, if you decided to end the marriage , then be honest with them. kids will respect you more if you are honest instead of covering up. do not give your wife false hope that you two are together. just learn to be happy and learn to heal and move forward. i just feel sorry for you having to go through all that you have. you did not deserve that treatment. please post us an update when you are ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): If reading your first question would help me to answer your question better, could you post the link to it please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOfcourse i have lied to my wife sometimes like telling her her ass did not look big in a outfit but they good lies andbad lies
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnyone interested in reading my first letter go back to august 11
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): The pain and anguish you are going throug is something you will need to seek some professional help on.Your in Ireland and as you probbaly know that means that your wiffe would most likely get custody so you do obviously need to factor that in.I cant honestly answer your question iVe never been there so cant imagine what you must feel like but let me ask you this, you guys seperate , your wife decides its time to move on and she decides to bring that guy to your house, where you live, how doe that make you feel?I think what you are experiencing is the natural harrowing pain which is a break-up, you dont like this person but cant imagine life without them. Be strong, make a home for yourself somewhere, make it clear to your kids that you love them and then grieve and re-build yourself, it will take time but its what you need to do for you.Best of luck with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Should we start throughing away things that have become spoiled or people who have made bad decisions or mistakes. What you wife did was make a very stupid and bad decision for whatever reasons. People sometimes keep making the same bad mistakes when they don't deal with the root cause of the problem. Both of you need to sit down and discuss about the reasons calmly. A good time to do that is normally after or during sex. Other times it is very difficult to control the temper tantrums and throwing of words and fault finding. You got married for better or for worse, right?Well I think you forgot to add what beyond the worst thing that could happen in your marriage would be. It hurts to share your baby with someone else. Don't fling your baby to who wants to take your baby from you for a while and then destroy your home that could otherwise be rebuilt. Remember the boss, the teacher and the pastors. What a mess it would be if they started flinging every sinner or offender out their doors. You are guilty of not doing your homework,lying, stealing, not forgiving others. What are we doing to ourselves when we cannot forgive others? We are saying that we ourselves should not be forgiven.I have kids and when they get on my nerves I always vow never to go out with them again or buy anything nice for them AGAIN. Is your wife worth more to you than your kids because they are going to grow up and have someone hurt them in the tinest little ways. Teach them how to be strong and not give up at the slightest sign of defeat.Nobody's life is perfect. They just don't tell people what they are going through. You would be surprised at the number of men and wives who have had ship wrecked marriages and they somehow by the grace of God and with determination decided to rebuild not somewhere else or with someone else but on the plot of land that they worked hard to buy.You decide! Anybody can tell you to do this and that but we all have lives to live that go much more beyond saying I would do this or that to that person IF I WERE YOU. But it is not them is it? NO. It's your life and that of your children. Your family will need time to talk about how you have all been affected by your wife's bad decision and to heal and start loving each other again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): for what she has done*
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I have not read your previous post but I can probably get the gist of what is went/is going on.
I think that you shouldn't stay for the children's sake. It would be unfair on all of you, especially the children as they will grow up in an unhappy environment. They are aware of what goes/ is going on more than what you think. The divorce will affect them, but it will hurt them more emotionally to see their mum and dad fighting. Growing up, witness that, it can and will affect their relationship to with you too.
If your wife is aware that you want a divorce, it would be unwise to let her stick around, only to divorce her as soon as your youngest is old enough. She may think that things will turn out ok without taking full responsibilty for that she has done, so may cling on to that hope that you'll change your mind. Indeed, you may be able to overcome and forgive her for what she has done, in time, but if you know in your heart that the trust can never be repaired, then you should divorce her as soon as possible.
There is no point playing happy families because the children will see behind that act. I know, I have been there myself (with my mum and stepdad), and I would rather them split up and be happy than stay together for (what used to be mine, as I'm old enough to look after myself) my brothers sake.
If you decide that divorcing her now is the right thing to do, then you need to come to an agreement with living arrangements. I think that you should look at it from a practical view, and not decide that because she has cheated she should be the one that doesn't live with them. Also it is the children's decision as to who they want to live with.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Devasted  +, writes (19 August 2009):
Every stage of life is difficult to handle sir.NOBODY can decide what we should or should not do. The decision is always ours to make and then there are the consequences either good or bad.Have you ever lied to your wife, not been there for her and the kids, made promises or decisions that you failed to keep. I know, I have been hurt too and then I wished that I could get a mental breakdown so that the world could know how my family situation was hurting me.You are a man and you know that men have their ways of getting a woman that they want to TAKE. If you love your wife and she is a nice woman then find out the real reasons from her why she cheated on you and if she had several affairs and so on. If she had many other men then something is wrong and she needs help controlling her legs. If not then don't let another man use tricks to TAKE your wife, destroy your home and probably thank you for not remembering the woman you got married to.Forgive your wife and try to build back your damaged marriage. If your house was destroyed by a hurricane would you give away your house and land for free? No. You know how much it cost you. If your wife is willing to start anew after the hurricane, floods, hurts then forgive the woman or get ready to go through Susan, Jane, Samantha and their closet of skeletons and bad behaviors. Everybody has them. Which one are you willing to put up with?Need more advice.How would consider forgiving your children's indiscretions? By kicking them out the front door or by seeking help so that the family can be healed and restored?All men go through problems. Be strong. Build back up your self confidence. Start living and loving yourself again and let that woman see what she would be missing if she strays again!
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