A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years now, and his flirting is really bothering me. I didn't usually care, but as time has passed and our seriousness has increased I don't appreciate it. He flirts with service people, people in other cars, and work friends. It makes me think he is always trying to set up a plan b for himself. One day I got so angry I looked through his cell phone and the messages. I was astounded with the amount of "hun, sweetie, cute girl" and many more. I've even seen things like "I miss you", or, "okay I'll let you sleep then sleeping beauty". What is up with this? He is so loving and compassionate, and truly spends all of his time with me but it seems the moment I am gone this flirty behavior goes on a rampage. I feel awful for checking up on him, but now I know he does it I just feel so differently about things. In the past I would joke about him being so flirty, and that I got vibes about girls liking him, and he told me to stop being so jealous. Is it okay to have these on the side flirty relationships?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): The weirdest thing is that despite all the pet names he is giving to all of these other girls, he showers me with praise, always says the right thing, is always looking out for me, complimenting me, and says he can not wait to marry me and have kids. When he looks at me and says these things I truly believe he means them.I feel like these flirty things are a way for him to get some sort of buzz, but he keeps insisting that I am irrational and jealous. I have not told him I looked through his phone. I think he will blow up, big time! I had asked him once about saying "mwah" to a random girl, and he says its totally platonic.Now the problem is that I have all of this inner turmoil and no way to let it out, he'll surely be mad at me for lookign through his phone and then he'll end up having a trust complex with me.I know that I am a deeply compassionate and committed person. I think he is committed to, but he says he gets along better with girl friends, then guy friends. He says he has always been this way.I don't want to give him up, but how do we get through this? It's tearing me apart inside. I just know that if i tell him i looked through his phone he'll blow u.
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 June 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
"Is it okay to have the side flirty relationships?" My opinion is no. Especially if it's bothering you so much. To me, it seems like he may just be after the attention since he seems to flirt with whatever moves. I think he has some sort of insecurity issues that he needs to work on. But it's hard to tell from what you wrote in this post...do you think he's doing it for the attention and not really because he thinks the girls are hot?
Regardless of why he's doing it, you're not happy with it and it's been a couple of years that you two have been together. To me, it's obvious that you both want different things out of the relationship. I would have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know that you really are hurt by what he is doing. If you're in a serious relationship with someone, I just don't understand why in the world it would be okay to excessively flirt with anyone else - it seems like that would be reserved for the person who you CARE about. It seems like you think the same way that I do. There's a difference between being jealous and being disrespected. You are being disrespected and I don't really see your feelings as true jealousy, rather it seems like you're frustrated more than anything.
When you talk with your guy, don't make it sound like he's "forcing" you to be a certain way. "You make me feel bad when you flirt." That's pinning the blame on him and he's likely to be defensive and tune out the real point of the discussion. I would say something like "When you flirt with other girls, I feel hurt and frustrated..." and explain why. Do you see what I mean?
And it's a shame that you felt the need to go through his messages. I think that speaks really clearly about how this relationship is going. If you can't trust someone and can only find out about what they're doing by going behind their back, it's an unhealthy relationship. Have you thought about if you really want to be in a relationship where so much honesty and trust in one another is absent? I can't see how this relationship is really making you happy.
Remember, the point of dating someone is to find out who you will be truly happy with - someone that you can have a special bond with. Do you think you're really happy (or could be happy) or do you think you're in this because it's just "comfortable" to have him around? You want to do what's best for you and what makes you feel good. You don't need a partner who is going to frustrate the hell out of you, dismiss your feelings, flirt with every other girl, write secret flirty texts, call other girls pet names, etc.
So try talking with this guy, but don't let him tell you that you're "wrong" about feeling the way you do - he is hurting you and if he really cared he would want to work on helping you gain confidence and trust in him...and flirting with other people is NOT the way to do that. If you two end up splitting, I honestly think it would be for the best. I think that you could find someone who actually cared about your feelings and would want to devote all of his flirting and sweetness to you.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (4 June 2007):
 It sounds like he's not ready to be commited to anyone.
DV1
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