A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my new boyfriend now for almost 3 months now. We met at work and he has been like a breath of fresh air since the last relationship I had was a seriously abusive one. Emotionally we get on pretty great, he treats me well and is kind and lovely, but there is one problem: sex. I am 18, and I know for a woman I have a very high sex drive, ideally if I could I would want to have sex every single day, but I know that other people don't always want the same, thats fair enough everyone is different. However at the moment me and my boyfriend will have sex about once every 2 weeks, and for me it isn't enough and I am starting to feel like he isn't interested in me or just something odd is going on.At best when we first started going out we were have sex a few times a week, which was great for me, but as time has gone on the amount of sex we have has got less and less, and its simply been because he hasn't wanted it. There are a few reasons why this could be. First off he is older than me, he is 24, so I don't know if that could be a reason. Secondly, he does lead a busy lifestyle, he volunteers and is an actor as well as having a job, he said yesterday that he does not understand how people with jobs find the time to have sex, but for example, we have spent the last four days together, playing games and watching movies, I have laid there naked at points, tried to kiss him and hug him and drop little hints but he just ends up going back to whatever he was doing before and brushing me asside. Thirdly (and this one is a big one) he is a rape victim, he was raped for a long time when he was a child, we have spoken about this and he has gone into it as much as he wanted to but from what he has said his ability to have sex isn't to much of an issue. Because of this fact, I have taken things very slow with him.. I haven't pressured him as I know that things such as this can make sex difficult. I've taken it so slowly in fact that during sessions of us making out I haven't even gone to touch his penis and I've always waited for him to put my hand there as I don't want to do anything that makes him uncomfortable, I have also thought me standing back could be a reason why we do not have sex because I do not touch him first just in case he doesn't me want to. And fourthly, I have thought he just ain't into me. I've worried that I am a turn off or he just doesn't find me attractive enough.. he is bisexual and so am I, and sometimes I have wondered if it is because he is more inclined towards men or does not find me attractive. I have asked him this, but he has assured me he finds me beautiful and likes men and women all the same. I have also thought he could be getting sex off someone else.. he cheated on his last girlfriend, however he explained there relationship was very difficult, and I could see his point even though that is no excuse. I do not believe he would cheat on me simply because we have spoken about it in depth and I have been able to root out liars and cheaters in the past, and to both me, my family and friends, he does not strike me as that kind of person. So from all of that does anyone know why he doesn't want to have sex or if I am doing something wrong and how to resolve this issue? All advice welcome.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2015):
 Rape is a serious issue. It affects how people feel about sex forever. To say he is bisexual is an understatement. If he was attracted to you before and you look the same now, then the problem is not your attractiveness. How we feel about sex is shaped by what's going on in our childhood. Most people who grew up with okay to loving parents would probably be satisfied with vanilla sex. People who grew up in dysfunctional, dramatic households together with abuse would be attracted to intense relationships with ups and downs. They can be addicted to the highs, the dopamine levels of a new person each time, and may not be satisfied with a normal relationship.
Raped children have development problems. Some have their memories blocked and may avoid intimacy because that's the only way they can allow sex to happen, as they try to block out the pain when being violated.
The fizzling of sex should not happen at 3 months already. Your boyfriend is trying to down play the problem with being busy, and for the fact that he is bisexual. Abused people who are not healed have a scary, dark world inside them that they won't allow anyone in. They may even appear fine out the outside since they "forgot" about the abuse. I had been with 2 men with emotional issues and because I am a sensitive person and I absorb everything, I developed panic attacks as a result. I had no choice but to end both of them.
This is not your problem and you have done nothing wrong. You went from being abused to being with an abused person. I think you need to be more picky with your partners. It's not that your boyfriend does not deserve love. It's just that his problem is so big that very few people would be equipped to help him, but first he needs to know what needs to be done, what treatment he needs so that he can feel passion in a normal, healthy relationship. Or he can choose to bounce from one person to another to keep up with the excitement level he feels he needs.
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