A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a guy who was a bit older then me (11 years) last year after we met through online dating. He was great, really funny, kind, good looking, good in bed, seriously he ticked all the boxes. Then I found out he was still texting the woman he had left his wife for and his ex wife had been told that I was just a friend. Which I get, we had another been together for 4 months, so we weren't official as such but I don't get why he denied we were a couple to his ex wife. The woman he was texting claimed they were still sleeping together, he denied this and refused to talk about it. He said I had to trust him, which to be honest, all the trust I did have was long gone when his wife told me that he denied I was anything to him. He'd told me he loved me, and we were planning on going on holiday together. Anyway, he has text me pretty much once or twice a week, rang a few times, asking me to go for a drink. I always ignore the texts and send the calls to voicemail. I recently met a new guy through friends who is a similar age to me, and he seems really genuine when he says what he says. He asked to meet my family and invited me to his sisters wedding in a few months. We started dating around March and he has always known about my 'ex' and all the crap that went on. He laughs when he calls or texts when we are together and he seems to genuinely trust me when I say I haven't spoken to him since new year. But because of all the crap that went on, and previous history of being hurt, both by being cheated on and in a relationship in my teens, violence, I now feel like I can't relax in this relationship and that something is bound to go wrong. My longest relationship was 4 years and he was cheating on me for the last year with someone I had considered a friend. My first relationship since that was with my ex last year. I've tried to chill out and go with the flow but I just can't. When I was invited as his plus one to the wedding in October, I said no at first because I honestly didn't think things would be this good without something going wrong. My friend said I'm just lacking self esteem but I don't know. Maybe I'm jinxed with relationships. I need some advice about either facing my demons or stopping myself from letting my heart go over my head.
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ex-wife, his ex, my ex, on holiday, self esteem, text, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2017): Why did you jump right back into a relationship if you can't trust anybody? What does one guy have to do with what another guy did? Are you responsible for the bad things other women did to the men in your life?
Should the new guy you're with be cautious of you; because of your past history of poor choices in men? Or, should he just "trust" that things will workout; because you both are better for each other than your past relationships were?
Have some faith, girlfriend! Of course something bad can happen. That's life. It might even be all your fault! You'll want him to forgive you, and trust you won't hurt him again.
Can he "trust" you to be of sound judgement, and make good choices? Will you be the best girlfriend he ever had? Will you not go snooping through his devices? Will you just wait and see how well things will go, without wondering what could go wrong???
I don't think you're the only one in your relationship taking a risk. You're carrying baggage. There's a big stamp on it that reads: "TRUST ISSUES!" Cut it loose. Stop dragging it around.
You are going to sabotage your relationship with self-fulfilling prophesy. You expect something bad to happen; so your insecurity is going to keep tension and distrust in the relationship. You'll always be on-edge and suspicious. He'll sense it, tire of trying to prove he's not the other guys...and another one bites the dust!
If you're expected to cheat, you may as well cheat. Why endure the suspicion and false-accusations?
You must be perfect. Incapable of making any mistakes or causing any issues to upset any of the men in your life. You are 100% trustworthy, and will make life a total breeze. No flaws, no faults, no imperfections. An angel!
I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and have faults. So I work hard in my relationship to make sure my suspicions and actions are kept in-check. I am profoundly human! I know either one of us could blow-it. I don't put all the responsibility on my partner's shoulders to prove he deserves trust. Silly me! I just give it to him! I don't search out and look under rocks for possible problems. I give him the opportunity to correct himself before it surfaces. I pray I will never break his heart! If he breaks mine, it won't be the first time someone has. I will survive.
I'm neither gullible, nor a naive person. My relationships last. It took years to learn, and I'm still learning. I pass on my experience to help other people.
You can't be jaded or insecure, and maintain a healthy and lasting relationship. He doesn't deserve a woman with trust-issues. A person suffering from chronic insecurities and unbridled suspicion is just as bad as a cheater, if not worse. Relationships require trust like you need air. A distrustful person deprives you of air, and they will suffocate you out of a relationship.
Let me replay it once again. "Insecurity and distrust kills relationships!"
Both people in a relationship risk getting hurt by the other. Cheating isn't the only bad thing you can do to hurt somebody. Distrust without reason for suspicion is a vicious insult to me. I won't tolerate it. I don't care how nice you are to me. What the last guy did is his fault, not mine! I will not subject myself to another person's cynicism.
Trust is something you give as a gift in exchange for someone trusting and loving you. Love grows from trust and it is sustained by it. You don't really love anyone when you can't trust them. You just hold conditional-affection for them. Waiting for, and expecting them, to mess up.
Does it makes you feel superior, while you sit in high-judgement of men; without seeing any of your own faults?. Well, he'll see your faults too.
Just hope he will accept them, and trust you all the same.
Until you learn to trust, you will suffer one failed relationship after another. If things are good, let things be. Date awhile to get to know a man and his ways before you stamp "boyfriend" on his forehead.
Allow the trust to be earned; but what's the point, if you break your back and it still isn't received? You're sniffing around looking for something that could be wrong. That's not healthy.
Are YOU too good to be true? Have you never told a lie?
Distrust keeps him in the position of constantly reassuring you; in a perpetual-state of trying to prove himself. While you arrogantly sit in the seat of judgement. "Who deserves me? I don't make mistakes, and never will. Therefore; you must prove yourself! Don't expect to be trusted. I only trust that something will go wrong!" Come on, who can live like that?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 June 2017):
 Why haven't you blocked your ex? Also, people who have cheated before are likely to cheat again, so you took that risk with your ex, even though you didn't deserve it.
I think you need therapy to help - or at least a self-help book on trust issues. It's understandable, but people with trust issues often end up sabotaging their relationships or ending up with dodgy people.
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