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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi agony aunts. I really need some help. I am 32, married and a mother of three. My husband was going through a mid-life crisis back in 2018. He hated that he had not accomplished what he wanted to at his age. One of his good friends backstabbed him. The guy became better off financially. My husband began drinking and I too, was facing my own crisis. I couldn't sleep. I had insomnia. One day, when my husband got home after work, he had some alcohol in his bag. I decided to drink it because I was tired of him drinking alcohol because he felt like a failure. After I drank that night, I fell asleep in no time. So instead of seeking counselling, I bought alcohol and it put me to sleep for the night. I worked and see about my family. I would wait until my children are asleep and then I would drink my rum. Prior to this pandemic, it was work and home. Then I got to working from home, until virtual classes started and I resigned from work to stay with my kids and help with their studies. The job was time consuming and I had no choice but to resign.I do not drink during the day. Only when I put my children to sleep. At present, we have become financially stable, my husband quitted drinking but it is like I can't stop. i tried. But I only go 2 days without alcohol until I start back drinking on the 3rd day. My father is a pastor. He is 60 years...about to resign, but I am so afraid of disappointing him. I want to go to rehab, but I am afraid of hurting him. No one but my husband knows of my alcohol addiction. I pleaded with him not to tell my parents. Most times, I would drink and just listen to music. Then there are times I may cry or I may act very sexual. And my husband refuses my advances because he says he feels like he would be taking advantage of me. I am tired of this alcohol. How do I go about telling my parents? I am so afraid of hurting my parents. My parents and I are very close but my alcohol addiction is something I hide. I feel like they would look at me like a monster...but i want to stop drinking to the point of not being able to control how much I consume. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2021): You are doing what they call self medicating in therapy circles. It plays it part at times or crisis but becomes dangerous when it becomes an obsession, a habit, a need.We have all seen films where someone gets some bad news and rushes for the bottle to calm down and feel better instantly. When you do it daily it is a big problem.As a therapist I have come across a lot of people who self medicate and they are not alcoholics. In fact anyone who says they are does not understand their problem. Other people might smoke a lot when anxious, others turn to food, others turn to sex, it is all self medication. Once the crisis has passed the need to has passed to. You need to find a way to make the crisis past so that you no longer feel the need to drink alcohol so much.I went through a similar phase to you many years ago.I remember my own doctor did not understand and talked as if I was an addict. Yet completely ignored that I had never drunk before and only drank when my partner of many years had died and it had knocked me for six in many ways.I concentrated on pulling myself up by my boot strapsand sorting out each area of my life as much as possible and simply stopped drinking altogether. That was about twenty years ago. I have not touched a drop since. An addict would be craving it and finding it hard to control the feeling of needing to drink. I never do. Nor will you.I promise you that you are not an addict and should not be treated as one. Medical help will not really be of any benefit to you if they simply look at the self medicating and see that as a problem when it is more of a symptom. If you are drinking because you are unhappy then the answer is to find ways to be happier. Write a list of every area of your life...probably WORK - FINANCES - FAMILY - HUSBAND - FATHER - HOBBIES - FRIENDS and whatever, and then find ways to improve each one and tick them off as you progress.You will find that as you do this you need to drink less and less to fill the void and unhappiness and awful feelings you are getting now. For now just try to drink less. Don't ask too much of yourself. A good therapist might be able to help you achieve all this, but not if they only focus on getting you to stop drinking without looking at why you are doing it. I hate to scare you but I must point out that drinking can do you a great deal of damage. It affects the whole of your body if done regularly and often. Liver, kidneys, pancreas.And it would not be long before you look at least ten years older.But the main reason you should want to stop is because it makes you unhappy and brings nothing good into your life in a permanent way. Good luck with it all. God bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2021): If your father is frail in health, it might be best to spare him too much concern; but my point was not to be ashamed.
We all face moments in our lives that we battle with habits or desires that are against our normal values and principles; but even God won't condemn humans for those mistakes we make, as long as we are repentant. Our personal-battles and some embarrassing secrets aren't what you share with everyone; and some things are kept between us and our Maker.
Forget about judgy self-righteous people who themselves hide secrets and sins under a façade of piety and false-perfection. If you could read their minds, or be a fly on the wall and see what they do, you'd scream in horror! The ugliness, darkness, and evil you could see behind their fake-smiles and hallelujahs! Good Christians are a reflection of Christ, and don't put people down; they lift them up, and pray for each-other.
You need only to confess to God; and be open and honest with your spouse. He is your partner, and should share your pain and suffering as your mate. His support is important in your recovery.
If your battle is too much for you, please seek alcohol rehabilitation; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't continue your prayers and self-discipline. Sometimes you need the help and support of others in fellowship; and there should be no room for pride or shame. Your goal is to be a good Christian, a good mother, and a good spouse. You will slip from time to time. Your heart is in the right place. That's all that matters.
God bless you, and give you peace and healing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2021): Thank you so much Wise Owl. I really do need a lot of prayers. I am so ashamed of my alcohol addiction. I do find people from church tend to be the most discriminating set of folks I've ever met.
May parents both taught me morals and values as a child. But I made my own decisions. And people from church judged my parents. So i feel like i need to try and suppress this addiction on my own. I have never dealtg with bullying from my classmates and molestation I experienced as a child. Only my husband knows my story but I am afraid of opening up and disappointing my parents. My father has battled cancer and is a survivor...he looks so old and he forgets alot...i am afraid of how he would remember me. I hope you and yours are well. Thank you again
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male
reader, Eng_vice  +, writes (9 November 2021):
You haven't told us how much you drink. The ultra safe level is 14 units per week.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2021): There's a way out.
Seek help!
My aunt was an addict exactly like you.
She would do everything she had to do during the day - work, taking care of me... and then for herself, she would do the one thing she did for HERself, drink a few glasses of white one and get sufficiently tipsy to be able to sleep. She was unhappy with the life she had. She had a dead-end job, she has never been married and she stayed with er mother. Wen my mom had me, she started taking care of me... she barely existed, she did everything for others.
please, seek help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2021): Typo corrections:
"You [can't] tell the future, and you [can only] presume they'll be disappointed."
"You should be able to reach-out to him to help guide you back to your faith; so you'll have a relationship and trust in God, during times like these."
"We'll suffer and languish in silence; before we even consider saying a prayer, and speaking to our Christ Jesus."
"There [are] support-groups of people, just like you; who will not make you feel ashamed, or like you'll be judged."
P.S.
Don't put-on a false persona of perfection for the sake of your parents. They will never share every bad deed they've ever done; or every unholy-thought they've had. They are only human. Bring them down off their lofty pedestal; and see them as the people who love you. They are your parents. If God can see past their/our sins and imperfections; they should be able to see past yours! Didn't your father ever teach you all I've said, or did you forget all of it? If you're not judging others who have a drinking problem, you wouldn't be so hard on yourself!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2021): Oh, my dear, first-off; do not be ashamed. I'm also a Christian by faith, and I find it quite saddening when people raised in the church are afraid to face their Christian-parents for fear of disappointing them for one reason or another. Your father is a minister, his job is to comfort you; and be a shepherd to the Lord's flock. Why should his own daughter be too ashamed to face her own supposedly God-loving parents? Now, when she has a problem; and needs their prayers, counsel, support, and comfort; rather than their judgement, or condemnation. I'm thinking this is more of your own overthinking, than the reality of things. You can tell the future, and you presume they'll be disappointed. It's more important not to disappoint God, your parents are human beings. You'd be surprised of what they're capable of, and the weaknesses they have that you can't see. They don't share all their own hidden sins!
You're a grown-woman, and responsible for your own deeds and actions. To chastise you or admonish you in your moment of weakness is unchristian. It is mean-spirited, apathetic, and isn't how you show your children love. We all make mistakes, horrible mistakes! God forgives all of them. Everyone reading your post and my response, have faults and weaknesses. We all do things we are ashamed of; but the shame is in not fixing or atoning for those mistakes.
The problem with goody-goody "church-people" is their concern about their appearance of piety, and how the public perceives them. Being "holier than thou!" They are more concerned that everybody knows how righteous and religious they are. Attending church all week long, praising the Lord, and shouting hallelujah all over the place; but missing every single lesson Jesus taught them about kindness, love, compassion, and the avoidance of judging and condemning others. They appear good, but God knows what's truly in their hearts. He will not judge us on our appearance, or our façade of a godly-image; He will judge us on our behavior, and what's in our hearts. How we treat our family and other people. God is your judge, not your mother, father, me, or any other two-legged Bible-thumper who tears you down; instead of lifting you up, when you reach-out for help, compassion, and support.
Your father is a pastor, but he's not an angel; and far from being God. You should be able to reach-out to him to help guide you back to your faith; so you'll have a relationship and trust in God, during in times like these. Here you are, shying away from the very people who should be teaching you about God; and how to seek Him in times of trouble and weakness. I bare my troubles, shame, and mistakes to God everyday. I need help like anybody else. I pray everyday, because "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God..."; Romans 3:23.
You have a problem that millions of people face. No weakness or flaw is unique to any one person; you're never alone, there are multitudes of people suffering from the same problem(s) you have. Too many self-righteous people who claim to be Christians run others away from God; thinking you're disappointing God for being human and making mistakes. God made you, He knows every hair on your head! Christians claim to know God and think they can speak for Him. We'll suffer and languish in silence; before we even consider saying a prayer, and speaking to the Jesus. You were raised in the church, and it shouldn't be so difficult to take your problems to the Lord. That does not rule-out rehab, unless you are healed without it. Some are, yet some are helped by God through rehab; when their faith alone isn't strong enough.
You do need rehab, and you should put all shame behind you and go. It's private and discrete. If your parents serve the Lord, they will put their own pride aside to show their love and support. Well, that's what the scriptures tell us to do. Implementing God's word into our lives is a whole different story. People are quick to judge, and slow to show their love and support. That's not God's fault, it's our human nature.
People who claim to know the Lord, should also live by His word; which conveys kindness, compassion, love, generosity, and patience. Not hypocrisy, pridefulness, and haughtiness. God gave us doctors, therapists, counselors, and other healthcare-professionals to help us; but He also expects us to come to Him first. He will even work through ordinary-people to help you when you are in trouble; and need love and support. We shouldn't judge, but we do have a right to rebuke or call-out evil and bad-behavior. Being sorted-out for perpetrating evil against others is not judging; it's our duty both as Christians and citizens.
Call a local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter in your area. They're everywhere. You'll get counseling and support. There support-groups of people, just like you; who will not make you feel ashamed, or like you'll be judged. Get down on your knees and pray for guidance and God's help. He will soften the hearts of your parents; and they will be unexpectedly loving and compassionate. Even if they aren't, you need rehab! It's better to get the help now; than wait until the problem starts to affect your marriage and parenting.
Meanwhile, I'll pray for you. God tests us, and uses issues like these to bring us back to our faith and worship. He won't fail you, when people let us down. Which includes our own parents and "church-people." Life gets tough, and having Jesus in it gives us an extra advantage. Look, you've come here; and found someone who will even pray for you.
God bless you, heal you, and lead you to help and healing!
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