A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. He is everything I ever hoped to find in a guy...he's smart, good looking, great personality, hard worker, and laid back for the most part. He also served in the Marines. I'm officially a hunting widow. As soon as October 1st hit, he changed from the loving, attentive, sweet person he always was towards me into someone who acts like I don't exist. He doesn't want me to visit him, his phone calls are short and lacking, and even if we do carry a conversation it's about hunting. I like that he hunts. I don't like the obsession. I went from the center of his universe to being thrown on the back burner literally overnight. I thought something changed in him and that he wanted to break up. I tried talking to him about it and all I got was "It's hunting season. I warned you how it was going to be." Yeah, he did warn me, and I was prepared for the things he warned me about. I wasn't prepared for the complete isolation that he's been giving me. Last night I finally broke down and told him I missed talking to him. He responded with "Well, I've tried to call you several times over the past couple days and all I get is your voicemail.". He calls me at the worst times, like I'm in the bathroom or driving or working. I can't call him back because he only gives me tiny windows in which I can speak to him, and then when I actually do have him on the phone the conversation revolves around his guns or bows or the damn deer he shot last week. And then he said "I guess I really don't feel like I have anything to talk to you about outside of asking how your day was and what are you up to." Funny how he had plenty to talk to me about before hunting season started. So after all this, I looked at our relationship and tried to figure out what was going on. I do admit, he has put a lot of effort into our relationship (before hunting season, that is.) I haven't given him the same openness and trust that he's given me because I've been hurt very badly in the past. After talking to a good friend, I decided that I should talk to my boyfriend and tell him what I was going through, and that I was sorry for not being as trusting or open as he was. He works graveyard, and I sent him a text (we always text at night while he works...but again, since hunting season has started I don't get that indulgence anymore either.) I didn't get a response for two hours. So after simmering for a while, I finally texted him and asked "Are you ignoring me?" And the response was immediate and mean. "I'm fucking busy doing my job and two other people's jobs, and then you're crying that I'm not giving you any attention when I don't have any time to give you currently." He always tells me if he's going to be busy at work so I don't text him and bother him and have my feelings hurt. I guess now since he's turned into a caveman that my feelings don't matter and I don't deserve a warning. I told him good night and that I loved him, and apologized for bugging him. He usually texts me or calls me in the morning when he's done with his shift to tell me he loves me and that he's going to bed. He didn't this morning. I'm terrified that he's going to dump me, and it be over something this stupid. I want to talk to him about it more, but I can't get the time with him alone because of our families, our jobs, his stupid hunting obsession, and his stupid hunting goons that he hangs out with constantly. I'm actually being shafted this weekend because one of his friends is coming to visit and he has to share my boyfriend's room with him. I have seen my boyfriend twice since the beginning of the month. I'm tired of this, and it's only been 14 days into the season. I still have two and a half months left to go. Is anyone else in this position? How should I handle this? Will it pass? Am I overreacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it's now day three and I haven't heard from him. I didn't try to contact him. I know his friend came from Iraq to spend the week with him, and they're planning a big hunting excursion starting tomorrow. How much longer do you think I should give him until I go get my stuff from his house?
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I can only relate by being a former sports widow. I knew the season was 3 mos long. When my ex and I were dating, he said he only went to an "occaisional" football game and watched only "special" games on TV.
Then I attended a football game with him during our engagement and started to come down with the flu. In the middle of the game, I said "Im sorry, but I think I am getting a fever. I did not want to spoil the evening,but I should use better judgement. Please take me home." He exploded on me with the same words your bf used.
"You knew that this was special to me and I rarely do this. This really ruins my evening. Can you hold out until the end of the game?"
Flash forward to years ahead and my then hubby became a Football Fantatic (We had returned to his homestate and home of his fave team!) He announced to me that since we now lived locally, he was going to buy a season ticket and go to every homegame, a few games out of town, and the playoffs if any. This added up to all of his freetime on weekends away from home and our two young children. Not to mention THOUSANDS of dollars with an already cash-strapped couple going towards his personal entertainment.
I tried joining him, but it was cost prohibitive, so I told him that he had to pick EVERY OTHER home game and the playoffs IF it fit in our budget. I insisted he find balance in his life and with his family. This was my husband and Father of my children and he was totally unwilling to make any changes or sacrifices for us. HIS entertainment came first.
He could'nt and I seriously doubt your bf will either. From his attitude he "warned" you, but that does not mean you have to put UP with in indefinetly. This experience shows you who he is. Essentially, you can not change him.
Do NOT be terrorfied of him dumping you. YOU have just as much "authority" over the direction of this relationship.
Now here is the hard part. Back off of him. DO not text him and pester him. That actually makes men back away and run for the hills.
Dive into your own life and hobbies. Spend time with family and friends. Do not carve out time for him "just in case" he calls or wants to spend time with you. He should learn that YOUR time is valuable too. MAKE PLANS with other folks!
It is unfair and needy/clingy to ask him "are you ignoring me" and "when will be get together". You want him to come up with that idea on his own, right? Instead, he is saying that his needs to be fully focused on his sport/hobby is far more important than his relationship. What he does not "get" is that after hunting season, he goes back to square one and basically starts the relationship OVER because you sort of become strangers again UNLESS you have some sort of connection.
What would happen to a plant that you watered and fed regulary and suddenly stopped for 3 mos? Yep, it would DIE.
If you started to water it again, do you think it would just magically spring to life? Nope!
I think you are quickly figuring out that this lifestyle of his puts you out of his life. I would bet money that this has happened to him before with other girls and he just is waiting for the right gal to say "Ok, its fine with me..no complaints from me!".
You do not KNOW yet if you can endure it. So far, it is not looking good. This does not make you a bad gf! It just means that your lifestyles do not match.
All that extra, sweet attention he gave you in the beginning of the relationship is what he did to get you. Now he has weaned it off. It was like a drug, was'nt it? His sudden change is personality should be a HUGE RED FLAG to you that something is missing here! When you questioned it, he became very angry and now dismisses you entirely.
So, time to back up and go dive your freetime in your life. Reasses if you want to...or CAN...put up with this guys verbal abuse and absenteeism.
If that doesnt work..imagine if the two of you marry and have kids. Did you want to be stuck at home for 3 mos with Dad gone? You would essetially be a single parent.
Just because they "warn" you about their lifestyle does not mean that it's healthy.
You might just find yourself looking at the big picture and telling yoruself this guy is not worth the aggravation. Look at this as a trial. Say nothing to him. Go to no contact (Not out of anger. This is not a mindgame. This is to get you aware how much YOU really do the initiating now!)
If he does not step up and find some balance all on his own-then consider letting him go gently, but quickly.
"Sorry, but I realize I am a bad match for your lifestyle. You need someone far more understanding when you are absent from a relationship and I prefer someone who is more plugged in to a relationship. I enjoyed knowing you and Good Luck!" No ultimatums, no begging or bargining.
You should not change a man, nor should he change YOU either! Two decent people do not necessarily make the best match!
Best Wishes.
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