A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 4 years. We rent an apartment together and we have a good life. He's adorable and funny and kind, but sometimes I feel like I love him more as a friend than a lover, and I don't know if that's normal or not.Just over a year ago, I met a new guy at college who flirted with me for a couple of months. He was handsome and charming and exciting. I resisted at first, and kept reminding him I had a boyfriend, but then eventually one night he kissed me and I didn't stop him. Everything happened at once and we ended up going back to his place. After that, I didn't see him again. I told my boyfriend and it was difficult, but we worked it out. We decided to "choose each other" a second time and make a new commitment to this new phase of our relationship. It's like "Relationship 2.0".That made me feel better for a while and like we could put it all behind us. I know I should just be happy and grateful for what I have. But I still think about that other guy every day. Not constantly, but I see things that remind me of him, and want to know what he's doing and thinking, or he pops into my head randomly. He messages me occasionally but I've never replied, though I often really want to. I'm trying to do the right thing by my boyfriend and by him as well, but it's hard, because I do miss him and that makes me feel so guilty.Before that happened, I thought my boyfriend and I would be engaged soon. But now I'm scared of getting engaged because I feel like I'm not wife material. Now I know what being flirted with by someone new, and having a new first kiss, feels like. It was so exciting and I felt on top of the world for that one day. Nothing else has made me feel that way for as far back as I can remember. I'm scared I'm just going to keep wanting that feeling instead of being truly happy in my relationship. And I keep waiting to stop thinking about the other guy and it just isn't happening. How long does it take to get over someone?Other people make commitment look so easy. Is it this hard for everyone? How do you accept that a part of your life is done and you don't get to do those things any more? I want to stay with my boyfriend and be the girl he needs but I'm terrified I'll hurt him again because I'm having trouble letting go of my freedom. I've always prided myself on being independent, and I guess selfishness came with that. I'm scared if I try giving up my freedom for good, it won't work in the end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2019): Thank you for your long answer. And thank you for not being too harsh. I'm really trying to figure out my feelings and I just feel so scared of getting it wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone again.
I think my main fear is that I'm not normal and there's some hidden thing wrong with my relationship, because how could I be attracted to someone else otherwise? But my relationship really is good. And realistically I know my boyfriend is far better for me than the other guy. We've been through so much together and the second guy hardly even knows me, and yet said he was in love with me. But the doubt still nags at me...
I'm waiting for the doubt to dissipate, and to stop thinking about him and I'm getting impatient. I try not to remind myself of him. I don't even listen to songs anymore that I listened to a lot in the months I knew him. I don't watch a show I used to talk about with him. But it's just so hard to forget him, for some reason. Especially when I'm stressed, I just want to escape into the excitement of talking to him. And I'm waiting for the emotional payoff for doing the right thing. I'm leaving him alone and yet I don't feel good about it. I'm not getting any satisfaction out of being a good girlfriend. I don't feel as desirable and special as I used to. Maybe you're right about the entitlement. And maybe that's why I still feel like something is wrong.
I hope in the long run I will move on and this will all just be something that happened once a long time ago. For now I'm just trying to ride it out. But I'll bear in mind what you've said.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2019): You might be surprised to know that just about anyone reading and responding to your post knows exactly how you feel. That is because we have all been in your shoes; even though we may be in a committed-relationship. Part of the challenge of commitment is remaining faithful and earning trust. Life presents challenges in our lives, and we should always be prepared for the ups and downs that come with ALL relationships.
It looks easy but it isn't. It's hard, but real love for someone gives you the strength to beat temptation. You have to develop the immunity and strength; because you're not born with it. We're human, and we have weaknesses. We have to fight our impulses and practice self-control.
Sweetheart, you are very young and still exploring and learning. You gave-in to temptation, because you stood in it's way long enough for the young man to disable all your defenses. You intentionally poked at and toyed with the temptation; because you wanted him to breakthrough, and you wanted him to pursue you. If you really didn't, you wouldn't have given him the means to contact you. Furthermore, you would never have allowed him to kiss you.
Now concerning your boyfriend. You weren't totally honest with him. You just wanted him to forgive you. You don't want to give him up; because selfishly, you didn't want him to find somebody else. Someone to make as happy or happier than he has made you. Regardless of past problems. Who doesn't have problems? He forgave you, and was mature enough to move on about it. Now you have doubts?
Seriously, girlfriend?!!
As humans, we tend to take our blessings for granted. Sometimes people have what they want; but greed also sets-in, and we want more. Yet we selfishly hang-on to the one we have; because we don't want anybody else to have them. The thought of THEM happy with someone else is too painful.
We want a new toy every Christmas, even if we have a toy chest full of them. We want new clothes, even if the closets can't fit what we've got; and there are still outfits with the tags still on them! We want a new iPhone every year; even thought the one we have is perfectly fine!
You have a great boyfriend, but you have roving eyes; because you're not mature enough to realize what commitment truly means. You need to be on your own for a while, and just be independent. You won't be alone for long; because you'll miss having your boyfriend. You'll just dive into another relationship...only to be curious about what a new one would feel like. Or worse, crave the old one like nobody's business; and cause a lot of drama!
You don't yet value trust to the extent that you deserve his full trust. Yet, you are very young; and you are only human. Rules are not as tough, because he is not your husband. The rules of fidelity aren't quite as stringent as in a marriage; and you are dead-on right you're far from ready for that. However, the principles of trust and faithfulness are a matter of strong character and solid reliability. Which makes for a good partner in a relationship, in any case.
You are being tested, and you're gaining an understanding of what loyalty and fidelity truly mean. You are also learning that sometimes the relationship isn't strong as we might want it to be. Although it may be good for the most part.
You have someone else in your head, because your youthful sense of entitlement makes you feel you should be happy and feel something new every single day. That's girlish fantasy. You neither deserve; nor will you ever receive perpetual happiness, or nonstop romance. You don't trade people in like a used-car every year; once the shine is gone.
BTW, adulthood is hard!!!
Life calms down, it settles out, and it becomes normal. Joy comes and goes. Sadness, disappointment, and failure happens. You become an adult, and you'll start taking things more seriously; and you'll deal with reality with maturity and appreciation. You must cherish those willing to love you, and willing to give-up others to have you. Unless you feel the same; consider maybe your relationship has run its course. The fair thing to do is to end it.
Expecting every kiss to feel like a first-kiss is childish thinking, and somewhat spoiled. In any case, marriage at your age isn't a great idea anyway. You need maturity, and must have a strong need to settle-down. You will have that certainty, only if your partner is one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Only if the love is real and deep.
Spoiler alert! You will always be tempted by other people. You will always miss the feeling of a first-kiss! You will always be attracted to random people. You will learn that part of truly loving someone is being able to give all that up, in spite of the temptations that nag at you. It is why we commit in the first place. It means we give-up others for the one and only. Take your time, until you find it.
I know from experience. I once had a relationship lasting 28 years. Cancer took my partner away. Throughout all the years; and to this day, he is still in my heart. He even cheated on me, but I forgave him. He made it up to me.
I love someone else now, but I went/go through all the doubts and temptations that challenges relationships. I have learned how to stand-up to temptation; because when I look into his eyes, I see love and trust. My heart melts, and I just couldn't bear seeing pain or disappointment in those loving eyes. That's how I know he's the one for me. I couldn't do this for just anybody.
If you're not ready for marriage or deep commitment. Don't pretend you are. It's better to be honest with him and yourself, sweetheart. It doesn't make you a terrible person. You haven't found that guy that makes you want to give-up everybody else; even when you're very attracted to others.
Anybody who claims they've never been tempted away from their mates isn't being honest. We all have!
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (5 April 2019):
 I remember your first post. Sweetie, your in a sticky place. This is a personal post about self growth and self discovery. There is no wrong or right answer.
Yes you can break it off with current boyfriend and regret it later because you might start missing him, craving and want be with him again.
Or you can break it off and date and enjoy your freedom, explore your sexuality, and have fun.
Both comes at cost. But you decide what is worth losing. Him or your desire to explore more relationships. It's not selfish. It's not wrong. You're human. It's only selfish if you were to lead him on. But if you break it off, then break it off.
Sounds like you dated for a long time and hes your best friend. And you have yet date other men.
My personal two cents, me chiming in as a wo man who's "dated" alot but had few relationships. It is very VERY exciting to meet new men, exciting to sleep with new men, have new conversations and hear new stories but after a while, you realise you want something more serious and you want that bestfriend relationship. But never in world would I have given up on meeting all those amazing AMAZING men. They taught me so much, about life, sex, ideas, flirting, laughter, joy, even integrity and compassion. Every man was so dynamite. And it helped me build confidence to meet more men and explore.
I don't think I would have been who I am if I had not dated many men. But that came at cost as well. Many women pick one man at young age and are very happy, have family, children, and never needed date. They feel a security, friendship, and happiness I have never felt. They had a stronger foundation, that I am envious of.
So you chose your story. It is a personal choice. Not any one choice is wrong. Look at what you do lose but also what you do gain.
Good luck.
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