A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I am in a new relationship. It has been three weeks now. I have already got intimate with the guy.. well the issue now is that I am from a series of heartbreaks or being taken for granted by men. With the new guy I am always conscious. I have spent time with him twice weekly, he has stood me up on three other ocasions. I had a huge fear that maybe this guy is there to play/ maybe sleep with me and leave.He sends me messages and tells me that he really appreciates our relationship. But i was surprised that when he stood me up, to him it was not a big deal. on the first incident he called me later to apologise. I forgave him and told him he should let me know in advance, whenever he will not pitch for the appointment. The second time he just kept quiet and apologised after a day. Then the 3rd time he was cought up with work and told me he was exhausted and will not be good company... However I decided not to lead him, and I want him to be the one leading the relationship, especially that we are starting off.His work schedule is very busy... mine is also not very lazy. We both traveled for the past days, to different areas, with our jobs. We kept contact, even though I felt like maybe we should be contacting each other more, to spice things up for the fragile r/ship.....I didnt want to come harsh on him. And I thought let me give him a chance.....Yesterday we both came back and we spent time together... I was refusing having sex with him and told him that maybe we need to start our r/ship on a friendship basis... postpone having sex until im sure he is in love with me/ vice versa. When I mentioned that to him he therefore reassured me and pledged his feelings for me. He told me in his heart and mind he knows he is in love with me...and now we made a deal of seeing each other and spending time as much as we can. He also suggested that I join him at his workplace when he is doing late work? Im cool with it.... What he told me was that he feared spending time with me when he was worked up and grumpy. because maybe he will not be a good company and id get frustrated....My point then is how to make sure that our relationship gets closer and tighter... and another thing is how close are people supposed to be in their first 3 weeks? Can a guy commits himself straightaway. I forgot to mention that he is a gentlemen who treats me like a princess he has a lot of respect for me and very affectionate, but why cant he initiate calls, and dates. Or is it too early for me to judge....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Well, it is very early days, and the jury is still out, so to speak. You got intimate with him way too soon, also. Not at all a good idea because the sex "hooks" you both before you have a chance to really get to know one another and to see if there is enough basis (similar interests and values, goals, etc.) for a solid relationship. That takes time.
But good for you for putting the sex on hold. Stick with that and see if he stays around. That will be a good indication as to his feelings about you.
As for not keeping dates; well it does sometimes happen that one or the other of you has something else come up but of course the thing to do is let one another know beforehand. If he stood you up three times in three weeks, that's quite a lot. On the other hand, if you both travel on work assignments that could be a mitigating circumstance. However, the expectation still would be to say "hey, I have to be away on business to xxx town next week and can't meet you Monday" sort of thing.
Its alright for a woman to sometimes initiate a call and suggest going somewhere, too. For example: you might find out there's an interesting lecture or jazz concert, or hike with your local club which sounds like fun, and which he might not know about. Nothing wrong with calling and seeing if he'd like to join you, especially if its an activity you think would interest him. If he can't make it, or its not an event he would be interested in, let him know you plan to go anyway. That way he will get the message that you're not absolutely tied up with depending on him for fun events.
As you say, it is a bit too early to make a judgment call. Give it more time and see how it goes. And I hope you can both be comfortable enough to talk together, when necessary, about expectations and what you want from a relationship. Goes without saying that its important to be able to both talk and listen with no "game playing" or insinuations, "blaming" talk, etc. Humor helps, too!
Good luck!
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