A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A couple of months ago, I broke things off with the first, serious possible partner I’ve ever had. It was fast and intense, with thousands of messages, calls, and video chats. Nothing like any prolonged dating I’d had previously. The first time we went on an in person date - after at least a month of messaging - we had a long, wonderful day together in a National Park, chatting, being playful and making each other laugh, I was a little shy, but we couldn’t stop looking at each other! And when we got back to his car in the late evening… I don’t need to extrapolate. It was fiery and spectacular, and I walked to my house after he dropped me home feeling completely alive. I can’t speak for him, but I fell in love with him within a couple of months, maybe sooner. I broke things off because we had a couple of incredibly difficult, serious disagreements (while I was visiting for the second time at his house), rooted in pride, ego, and/or silly misunderstandings. I remember crying in his bedroom for a while after our last ‘fight’, for lack of a better word. I left the next morning by train and said that I didn’t want to pursue anything anymore.We’ve both been hurt before, and not necessarily by lovers/exes (though I think it was very likely on his part, but I’ve never been in a serious relationship), I think our problems stemmed from a mixture of our dispositions (we were very similar, I think) and pasts. Little problems and things just turned... big. I can’t explain it without going into more detail, but I’m sure most people can relate. In the early stages of our relationship I also said some things out of fear and inexperience. I said I wasn’t ready to commit, and would still consider dating others - and this was after we’d slept together, WHILE I was at his house. It still rips at me at what a stupid, fearful thing it was to say, and how it affected the way he treated me was so painful.I’ve been on a rollercoaster since I broke it off. Many days I’m fine, busy, and happy, but at minimum two to four times a week in the evening or morning, I feel such a sweeping, sudden sensation, an incredible feeling of loss, that I have to find somewhere private so I can cry it out. I’m NOT very good at keeping promises to myself, but for some reason, despite making no promise to do so, I haven’t reached out to him, and I haven’t tried to get back together with him. Is this a better version of me realising we would just continue hurting each other? Or is it a worse version of me, too scared to try and figure things out?I’ve tried to remove any trace of him from my phone, PC, life. But there are some things I can’t bring myself to get rid of. I have a very small photograph of him as a teenager that he gave me, that I had plans to put into a little locket, with me as a teen as well. We had joked about what it would have been like if we’d met sooner in life, but I don’t think he really put much thought into it, but I did. I wanted to surprise him with it at some point. I’ve also kept a paper letter from him that he sent me a week after we split. He wrote about trying to work through things, how he couldn’t stop thinking about me, explanations to why we’d had problems, and an offer to take me somewhere I wanted for a week, anywhere in the country, ‘away from distractions’ he said. But there were so many holes in his letter, and too much fantasy and not enough reality. But, I kept it anyway, because when I first got it and read it, it filled me with relief and joy and hope.I don’t think I really have a question… is that allowed? I just want someone to hear my heart breaking. I’ve had to be strong for my family, because we’re going through difficult times at the moment. It’s like my life, and my love life, is so small and insignificant right now. I hate that this makes me cry. It makes me feel like a little girl, and not a 27 year old woman. I’ve used Dearcupid a few times since I was a teen. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when writing here was fun and dramatic and silly, and immature. But I was, perhaps foolishly, looking forward to a future with this man as my partner, living with him, starting a family, feeling supported/empowered finally (my parents love me but up until I was about 17 I was seriously neglected, as the youngest in a family of 8 children and the quietest of them all, I think my mum hoped/thought that my ‘growing up’ would take care of itself). Instead I started to feel small, stupid, and at an unequal footing with him. The greatest mystery, is whether I felt this way because I was insecure, or whether I felt this way because he made me feel that way. I don’t know why I’m writing this all out, but it was good. I’m not sure if anyone will read this or have anything to say, but it would be nice to know if someone understands, or has some wise insights I might have overlooked. I thought that such a short-spanned relationship would be out of my system in weeks, but it’s been months now and I still sob, and miss his presence and conversation. Thanks Dearcupid for this place of release and relief.
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fell in love, get back together, immature, insecure, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2020): When I came to DC after being dumped, I didn't have a question or ask for advice. I did exactly what you've done; I vented my feelings and thoughts in an article. Writing is good therapy; but be careful not to allow yourself to be too melodramatic. First things first, get a grip on reality!
Emotions have to be somewhat managed or subdued; in order to maintain a grip on reality. Try to retain your composure and self-control. Purge your feelings, but then fight your way back; until you're in-control, and not a slave to your emotions. Otherwise, you'll allow yourself to sink into depression or dispair. It's okay to emote and vent your feelings; but never allow the inner "drama queen" to monopolize your behavior or your actions. Recovery and healing takes longer when you submit to falling apart and emotionalizing.
Bear in-mind, it was not an official or established relationship. People have to be careful with allowing themselves to "fantasize" or "idealize" too far ahead of the present. Fastforwarding the romantic-connection you've made well into the future; and visualizing things according to your imaginary wish-list, thereby allowing those fantasies to distort what's really happening. Then when things don't workout, it's as if your whole world has fallen-apart; and all your dreams are destroyed. In reality, you hardly knew each other! Keep your imagination in-check; because living in your head gets too confused with real-life. You think you have something that has not yet materialized. You'll also get pushy! Trying to force the other person to act the way you want them to; or say things you want hear. Then you become moody, frustrated, and disappointed when your preconceived-notions are off the mark.
I also suggest that you be careful with rushing into sex. You had sex far too soon, and you did your utmost to vere us away from making any comment or reference to it. That is precisely why you feel so bad. You got far ahead of yourself; then you started playing mind-games with the guy. That blew-up in your face! You were trying to rush him to say he loved you. When those words weren't uttered; you decided to bailout. You accused him of being the one in a fantasy world. You prematurely feel in-love; but he hadn't gotten that far yet. Maybe he took it a bit far too, with all the teenage love-letters and such. You're both adults, and that's how you should have conducted things. It might have turned-out differently. Too late to turn-back now. Move forward. The awkwardness and sudden change of events will never allow things to fallback into place.
Your disillusionment is the shock of suddenly snapping out of it, and facing reality. Things were not the fairytale-romance you wanted them to be; so you started telling him you weren't the one ready. The truth is, he wasn't rushing things fast enough for you. Trying to make things perfect made them totally the opposite. Everyone does that, so don't feel bad about it.
You can send us an avalanche of words; but it only takes a few to see the facts, my dear.
My first article written to DC:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2020): You touched on all this very lightly but I picked up that you had some very early disagreements and I am assuming that this is when have you a second vision of what the relationship would be like if it continued.I think it is quite probable that you realised that this would not be the gloriously loving future that you initially felt you had invested in.Don't feel bad about crying. People weep over everything that causes a momentary change in their lives. It is so much better to weep and move on than to be emotionally crippled.Just try not to run yourself into the ground or you will find yourself weeping from exhaustion as well.Try to maintain your confidence through positive affirmations.It might be time to invest in a life coach or a psychotherapist online where you make regular contact for a fixed fee and this would help you to track your progress in moving forward and overcome new obstacles with a deeper sense of understanding.It seems to me that you have much to talk about connected to your past as well as your current circumstances.And you could open up about the way he made you feel after starting out on a wonderful high.Some people weave such a fantastic illusion of themselves that they can only fail thereafter.And other times, women get carried away with the romantic aspects of a new person in their lives and they over-invest emotionally to the extent that they cannot rebuild their shattered self esteem.A harsh dose of reality often doesn't help.Maybe, mentally you just want to change the narrative of how you parted.But whatever it is, the very best you could do is to get some help towards making a new plan with someone more compatible.So now it's time to invest in yourself.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (28 October 2020):
 I think a problem shared is a problem halved, and I think that writing your lenthy post you at least found some relief.
You only broke things off a couple of months ago, this relationship obviously touched your heart which is why you still feel a strong emotional attachment.
All I can say is that things will get easier as time goes on, time is the healer of all things.
We all have memories of past relationships, we all have memories of first loves, some people touched us more than others, like they were put on earth just for us.
I know its difficult at the moment, but things will get better for you. You found relief writing this post, so do more things that make your heart sing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 October 2020):
 Vent away, OP
If writing it down helps you start to sort it out, then go for it.
If you then later have questions or want advice just say so.
One little thing I want YOU to focus on when working on moving on, is this:" But there were so many holes in his letter, and too much fantasy and not enough reality. "
You guys didn't really know each other as well as you thought. The FANTASY was that you two were a "perfect fit" at least when talking online/app/phone. But REALITY is that you weren't.
I think that you might even have sensed that when you said you weren't ready to commit to one person.
When you come to a point where you want to date someone new, GO slow. WAY slow. And try not to get ahead of yourself. (as in to think this is it, he is "the one".)
Keep sex out of the picture WAY longer. Try and go for 4-6 months AFTER you have met and seen each other in person on a regular basis.
The reason you are not over him yet is because you are still believing the "fantasy" and you MISS that. You miss the guy you THOUGHT he was. Getting to know someone new is EXCITING! Even if you aren't a good fit.
Relax and be OK with feeling a little heartbroken that it didn't work out, just don't wallow in that.
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