A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneMy wife and i have been seperated for about 10 weeks now, of which the first 6 i moved out. i had no other option but to come home in the end. we have been getting on now for atleast 8 weeks with laughter, conversation, fun and doing stuff together, but she sais its to soon to getback. she sais she loves me and misses me but its to soon. i dont get it, either you want it or you dont.......Right? i dont see why we cant give it a go when we are getting on. i know its something that will take time to rebuild but surely both of you need to be in it to make it work. i hurt my wife with some things that i said and thats what she is finding hard to cope with. i said some nasty words in the heat of the moment in drunking fuelled arguements that she knows im sorry for and that i didnt mean. but she keeps saying she cant trust me and its to soon. she is already saying that our 1st year anniversay thats 3 weeks away is going to be a none event and that christmas wont happen together. how can someone already know that unless her minds made up already. even though we are getting on. i dont understand when we are getting on how she cant let me back in and test the water. i know what i did wrong and know that i will never act the way i did but being seperated i cant prove that im still the man she married. it feels like to much time is going by now and that there is no point in trying for something that feels clear that im never going to have again. but in the same breath if she does take me back i will have a lifetime with the woman of my dreams, i just dont get what to do, its really screwing with my head. what happened with us did and it was down to us both at the start, i took it a wee bit to far without realising what i was doing at the time and now i cant seem to move forward with my wife. it just feels like she doesnt want it other wise we would be both working on rebuilding it rather than just me trying. please help i really dont know what to do
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 November 2009):
 So you went into a separation because of one drunk argument? I think there must be more to this story than you are sharing with us. She is furious with you and is not letting you back in until she's decided you have paid enough. Whatever did you say to her or do to her?
Ask her how long she thinks this will take and then you can decide if you are able to cope with the wait. I think if you are doing everything you can to try to repair the damage you did to the marriage, that it wouldn't be unreasonable to let her know that you too have a limit to being separated. Tell her you have x amount of patience for the exile, 'x' being the number of months you're willing to live apart from her (even if you're in the same house).
She is still angry with you, despite all the laughter and good times. There is a world of resentment that has just been tapped and I think you need to spend a lot of time having loving, calm and open conversations about all the issues you've been having. Be honest, be gentle, be open, be prepared to hear stuff you won't like without having a temper tantrum.
It must have been one hell of a comment and a ridiculous amount of arguing and alcohol.
By the way, you have sought help for the alcohol abuse, haven't you? If not, I expect that's what she's waiting for.
Take care
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