A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and this guy have been seeing each other casually for a few months: however it's been on and off from the beginning.From the start he said he doesn't do relationships, doesn't like the drama and likes 'simple'. Every time I go to his house I can see how organised and tidy he is with how strict he his with his house work, his professional work, his hobbies, everything is so orderly and you can tell he is set in his own ways and does his own thing, so what he said initially about not being suited to relationships I totally understand why, especially now I know more about his ways.Anyway, the first 2 times, and only 2 times we had sex, he ended the fwb arrangement. The 1st time because he said he had a girlfriend ( which surprised me a little - as I've known him over a year and he hasn't seen anyone all this time, and the fact he said he wasn't interested in serious stuff). So a few weeks later the fwb thing is back on and he said he wasn't with this girl now, relationships are not for him. So after the second time we had sex, again, just days later he said he was back in a relationship so will have to leave our thing for a bit. "For a bit"?! It sounded to me like he knows it won't work out with this girl... If she even exists. I'm just wondering do fwb's do this kind if thing after they've had their fix of sex for a few weeks? Was the sex not good enough? Or the other thing does he just want to make me see that just because we had sex it's not leading anywhere? Which I already know. Or is it just a coincidence and he is in a relationship with someone else?What do you experience people think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): I agree with aunty B - I had a FWB for nearly a decade, he used to also come to my place, cook , bring movies to watch and the sex was always great. We never made arrangements to meet up again after we had spent time together, but neither of us made up reasons not to.
This man you are seeing, sounds a little selfish and unkind to me. If a FWB is what you want at least make sure it involves mutual respect .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): No, this is not typical. Either he has a girlfriend and he's cheating on her or he is really worried about you wanting to have a relationship with him. In either case, he lied to you - either saying he doesn't do relationships is a lie, or saying he has a girlfriend is a lie. And if he does indeed have a girlfriend, he almost certainly lied when he said they broke up to get the sex the second time. For a guy who doesn't like drama and wants to keep things simple, he sure is playing a lot of games...and there's really no reason for you to put up with it. It seems to defeat the whole purpose of having an FWB, if you ask me.Given that you don't have a relationship with him to begin with, I don't think you should worry about it much. Just move on with your life. When that "for a bit" comes up and he wants to start up the FWB thing again(meaning he wants to have sex once and break it off again), just tell him you're no longer interested.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 January 2014):
 I understand the workings of a FWB, but he's not doing an FWB thing here. He's cheating on his girlfriend. FWB is a stupid scenario, but at least it's an honest one. However, his having a girlfriend on-again, off-again whatever is DISHONEST and morally bankrupt. It's one thing to use each other for sex, but it's quite another to be used as an accomplice to betraying and hurting an innocent girlfriend. I would not abide that, and I would hold as disgusting and contemptible any guy who hid a girlfriend from me until after we had sex.
That's the different between being a mistress and being a FWB. He's not an honest guy, and I'd drop him. You have a lot of options for you, and truth be told, if you're going to be in an FWB no strings attached arrangement, by god let it be honest, and not behind someone's back.
He is a horrible person who doesn't deserve to sleep with anyone. Aunty BimBim put it correctly - you're an escort service that works way cheaper than an actual escort service. You deliver free orgasm and walk-of-shame service. You go over there, get him off, and then he kicks you out. And somewhere out there is a girlfriend he lies to. I wouldn't stand treatment of women like that for a second.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 January 2014):
 It "sounds" to me as if YOU think, or want, "FWB" to be more that simply casual sex....
HE doesn't define "FWB" in that way....
Soooo, you seem to think that "FWB" is an in-depth "almost-relationship"..... whilest he seems to think that "FWB" is, relatively, recreational sex.....
His (definition) is more in keeping with what most of us would tell you is "FWB"... and, if you want more... then you have to look for it... elsewhere (from this guy, at least)....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 I've had my share of FWBs, and every single one acts different. Some are needy, persistent. Some fell in love (or pretended to fall in love) because women love that. Some are strictly mechanical and have clear boundaries. And a few tell lies.
One of the traits that an FWB guy has is being inconsistent. I remember one guy would say he didn't want a relationship. Then he wanted one. He never wanted kids. Then he wanted kids being that he's coming of age. Marriage was a constriction of freedom. Then suddenly it's his birth right.
The reason why FWB guys go back and forth is that it's hard to have the best of both worlds. They do need both to be happy but find it hard to maintain. They resort to tricking women. As FWBs men feel that they are not obligated to treat women with respect and honesty because even a hit or miss is enough to fill a void.
I believe he has a girlfriend and his mind is just scattered. He didn't mean to lie. The reason why his relationships won't work out is because he never knows what he wants and when he changes his mind again. A sensible woman would not put up with this. At the end a man feels shameful that all he's capable of is short term flings. A relationship is to make him feel normal and validated, while he knows deep down inside it's not for him.
For him, it's not so much about who's good enough. The only difference lies in who's willing for sex and who requires a relationship to have sex. Do not give him more thought because he is not caring about how you feel.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 He is not in a relationship, your 'thing' with him is not FWB, the "F" stands for Friends, there is no friendship involved here, only sex, which he is getting delivered to his house for free.
His BS about a girlfriend is simply insurance to keep him in control and to stop you thinking there is a possibility of anything more from him.
To recap, FWB is friends (friends first) With Benefits. Where is the friendship you are supposed to be getting with this sex?
Stop undervaluing yourself. if you are going to home deliver to his house, be it pizza, beer or sex make him pay, because that's all you are, a delivery service!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): It sounds like he comes to you when he wants sex then once he gets what he wanted he makes excuses and leaves. I think he maybe is either dating somebody else and using you until it gets more serious with her or doesn't want a relationship with you so is just using the "i don't do relationships" thing as an excuse. If i were you i'd ditch him. Nobody deserves to be treated like they're not good enough.
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