A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationship with my girlfriend so far was a mess. I have known her for just short of 5 years, but we have started going out only a year ago. I am 21, and she is slightly older. We have both been in rather long, serious relationships before. We live really far apart, but every month I fly over for a week and even more, but since we are focused on our studies it isn’t such a big deal for now.To add some variety to writing, I will call my girlfriend Maria.I guess you can make any relationship sound as bad you want, so I just want to share with you some episodes, which trouble me and see a response.First of all, she didn’t go out with me in a first place in a first year that we met (due to long-distance), but she happily went out with someone for a year+, who was apparently horrible to her and they ended up breaking up. I didn’t handle that too well, so I decided I will move on and went out with someone for a while (who was the most controlling person ever).While I was out with my ex, Maria admitted that she was in love with me (took her some time) and was starting to act possessive over me (asking if she can come visit, shouting at me over a phone), even though I told her to wait a little bit (she knew about my relationship). I didn’t want to cheat on anyone, so decided to see if it was possible to fix current relationship and not jump ship. However it didn’t work out and after 6 weeks (I was trying to do something for 2-3 months prior to that) I broke up with my ex, and after a month being on my own, I decided to visit my soon-to-be-girlfriend. Even now she keeps accusing me that I acted like a jerk at that point (made her wait and tried to be fair to my ex).Funnily enough, after a year of being in relationship with Maria, I found out that during those 6 weeks, when I told her to wait, she went out with some guy from a different country and even visited him few times. I don’t know how they met. They broke up quick, but to me that was somewhat a betrayal. She said she loved me, but she went out with some guy instead of waiting how I asked her.This brings me to the current state of things. She has some guy-friend who picks her up from her evening courses late at night. He is single, and he knows that she has someone, but she keeps me out of her public life (which is another problem for me). The first time I found out about him is when I was waiting for her to come back home from her evening courses to have our usual evening chat, but after few hours, I was left with nothing, I got rather jealous and shouted at her, which I felt guilty about, but if this guy really is her friend, how come I never heard about him? Or why don’t I know him yet… it just raises loads of questions to which is enable to answer…I only know 2 of her girl friends, and she is sort of edgy everytime I meet her from uni (like she doesn’t kiss me or hug me). So far Maria didn’t allow me to come to any party with her (there was only 2, where they were at her friends). Her best friends’ birthday, where there was loads of strangers, who nobody knew, and also her end-of-year party where they rented out a place for her uni-group and just chilled there on the weekend. During those I stayed in a flat with her mum and her cats. I felt insecure during those and confronting her didn’t help. She just doesn’t see a problem. I wouldn’t care if it was a girls night out or something, but it never is… I feel left out.The city she lives in – I have no other friends but her, so to me meeting someone who she thinks is cool would be awesome. Then I would be able to have a break with someone. Like… it would actually be healthy thing to do.She misuses word “attention whore” to specify me, which would mean that I want attention from everyone, but its just her. I know she has a life of her own, though, I don’t spy on her, I just enjoy hanging out with her a lot I guess, but I think she doesn’t that much anymore. She has other things to entertain her and keep her busy, I come after those things (even though we have similar hobbies). She replys to texts once every blue moon and rarely returns calls (which she always misses… like… its impossible).She said I was too controlling, so I went to see a professional because of it, but now it appears the opposite, she is doing everything to control me. If she doesn’t like something – she would just stop communicating with me, ignore me completely or lock the room or sit there as if I don’t exist. She is not good at communication at all as a matter of fact.Sex life is another issue, as usual – great at first, now – nothing. We argue a lot and that’s about it… She never had an orgasm in her life, which I feel fairly depressed about, and nothing helped… read billions of articles on frigid women. I never had that sort of problem before… in fact I am usually the one who wants more and she doesn’t. I am 21, and I masturbate 3 times a day because me and my girlfriend have sex maybe once in two weeks, and if its twice- I am in luck. Christmas all over again…I tried to get away from all this stress by doing loads of sport, but unfortunately I have some health problems because I overdid it in the past. I used to be so fun, but now I am depressed 90% of the time.I don’t particularly like social networks, but when we went for a 2 week trip over summer to Africa we had loads of photos, which she usually shares with everyone, but after 6 months she can’t even be asked putting them up. Or if I put some photo up with two of us together, she just says she hates the way she looks in it or worse – shouts at me for it and makes me take it off. And she insisted not setting it to “in relationship”, because “she doesn’t want anyone being jealous”… I guess I didn’t take that one very well… Like if it isn’t such a big deal, why have an argument over it and just do so everyone will feel secure? Its weird…I feel guilty for needing her, or wanting to be with her… Its really hard.So thank you for anyone who read it all, I would be grateful to hear opinions on this or at least some issues (there is too many of them probably)… and a genuine feedback to the question: is it all worth it?I am just not sure anymore, and not sure if I am happy or she is.
View related questions:
a break, best friend, broke up, christmas, depressed, frigid, insecure, jealous, move on, my ex, orgasm, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I know exactly what you are saying, it is just hard to accept it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): look. Here's my take.
You're smart, you're proactive, you're caring. These are all evident by what you have written, what you have done in the past, and what you are doing now.
Unfortunately it sounds that at 21, you are discovering that just because you care about someone, doesn't mean you are meant to be, it can infact mean the complete opposite.
You've gone from one bad relationship to another. That inbetween period you mention with her dating other people, tells me that this was doomed from the beginning. Infact, I think she has a number of issues here and that your relationship has no chance of improving.
Surprising as it may seem, mounds of people have been in similar relationships to this where they have been left feeling a shaddow of their former self, depressed and also obsessed with that person. It is a weird state, but it is one that points to the fact that this relationship is incredibly unhealthy and only by you having go experience a real, genuine and healthy relationship with lots of trust and opennes will you ever comprehend what I am saying.
IF someone is hiding things, whether it is you from parties, friends, her meeting others this is messed up and immature for a relationship. If someone is LYING about those things , then you really have no idea to the depth the lying is occuring. If someone then goes on to accuse you of these things, nitpicking your actions, being super demanding you will never ever find happiness in that person, from that person or out of that person.
It's time to leave and retain your mental health and search for that relationship which is what you are looking for. This really doesn't sound like it is what you want and in another year your esteem will be lower than ever.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 After the third paragraph I realized that you and this girl have not much in-common.... and so your desire to make a "relationship" with her is doomed.... Soooo, why not cut things off now, and spare yourself the heartbreak of trying to make this ill-fated "relationship" work. You KNOW it won't.....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd that time I was waiting for her for nothing: she went to the cinema with this guy. It was night time. Was very suspicious, because she couldn't tell me. Sorry, I got side-tracked.
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