A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29, and my fiance will turn 30 in a few weeks. We've been together for almost 4 years, but knew each other 10 years ago,we have been engaged for a year. When we met she was seperated (not yet divorced from husband number 2) We have planned for our wedding to be in early December. She is a full-time student, owns her own medical/therapy clinic in which she works about 24-30 hours per week. The last couple of weeks she has decided to finish up some online classes (I believe she has about 2 6-hour classes, left). These aren't traditional college classes, but you read a book pertaining to the topic and write an essay. Anyway...I've been very understanding and have left her alone to do what she has needed to do for her education since she told me a couple of weeks ago that she wants to finish up. She didn't ask me to leave her alone this time, but I felt obligated to fulfill those needs for her. We don't live together,and basically live seperate lives. Last Friday we went to a birthday party (very small one 5-6 people) and she met a guy who has very common interests with her, he's an actor in a local theatre, likes the same kind of music, etc. There was an art-show party again on Sat, that she claimed she was going to show her photography at. She called me earlier in the day to ask if I wanted to come but thought I wouldn't be interested because she knew I had some things to do and wouldnt' be interested in going as it really isn't my thing. She said she'd be home after 9pm (thats our night to stay together). I thought that was okay with me. She sent me a text about an hour later stating she was going to an art meeting and that she'd text me in a bit when she was leaving. At 1230 she came home and we stayed together (saturday is our only night together where she was extremely friendly). Sunday we typically spend together doing fun things, but in this case she claimed she needed to do homework, and she said she knew I had some stuff to do at home. I didn't hear anything most of the day and about 730pm, I showed up at her house. She was doing homework and was pissed that I showed up 8 hours after I left. I got the cold shoulder, and finally figured out I wasn't welcome so I left. She texted me later and I told her I wanted to talk, so I came over, but still got the cold shoulder from her. While she was in the bathroom her phone rang and it was the guy who she met Friday night (Neither of us answered). I got a little concerned, and decided to investigate the situation furher and found that she had talked to him numerous times Saturday and asked him to meet her after the party on Saturday. (There was not art-meeting) Not telling her I looked at her phone, I asked what was up with him, and she said that he was going to trade her some gym support (he's a trainer) in lieu of some therapy for his mother. Last night I came over for a few minutes and while she was gone for a minute I looked at her phone again, and found that they had txted and talked quite a bit again, and are planning to eat lunch today. She has to go to another state at the end of this month to finish up some school work and she said that he is going to a concert in the same town (for a few days) and she wants to car-pool with him and asked if I'd be okay with that. She doesn't know that I know about the misc. phone calls and texts. When I asked her if he knew we were engaged, she said he thought we were married, and she responded "No, were not married, we're just engaged"I didn't answer her question (about the trip) as I'm concerned about the situation. As a result, and I've looked into a few other details, and found that she has lied to me about a few other details about other parts of her life and now she knows that I'm getting worried about whats going on and told her that I was afraid she has been lying to me. Instead of trying to talk about it, she gets angry and tries to change the subject and say's getting busier and doesn't have the time to talk. I've seen her perhaps 2 hours since Sunday. Last night at her place for maybe 30 minutes (not much conversation) and today for 5 minutes. We usually call each other at least once during the day for a couple of minutes and text at least 10-15 times. Absolutely nothing since Saturday. No eating out, no phone calls, nothing but a minor hug that was obviously distant. She has a lot of friends and it doesnt bother me that she likes to go to lunch with them and talk to them on the phone however its obvious that she perfers me not be around when she does these.I know that I may be in the wrong for looking at her phone, but do I have a right to be concerned about this? How should I react/act towards the lies she is telling me. Should I just tell her that I'm not comfortable with this situation about the guy even though her mind is already made up about going with him? sorry about the long rant, I'm trying to be as detailed as possible.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (5 May 2009):
 I agree with Gina in principle, however I am going to be seemingly harsh and brutally honest
Sorry this happening to you, but Im about to go on a rant here because I see 90 miles of bad road coming up ahead for you.
You engaged someone who has been married twice before thirty? That should have given you an indication right there.
Was there cheating involved in her first 2?
And a personal trainer as well? O brother this is gonna get worse before it gets better. TREAD WITH CAUTION
So now you know she is lying at best and at worst, cheating. Sorry but this crap don't fly.
Next she will be talking about him and how they share the same interests and isn't that wonderful that she has someone to talk to? Then some nights its gonna be how he is having a hard time in his relationship since she is just meeting to give advice and be a friend and thats why she wasnt at home at 4 in the morning.
The choice is yours, but she is exhibiting classic signs of someone who if they haven't cheated, are about to.
Rather than give you some sugarcoated advice, G.R. gives it to you straight.
You better get this out in the open and toot sweet. There will be one justification after another about why she cant take your phone calls, or why she wont be around. Then its gonna be that she doesn't feel comfy with this...
THE HELL WITH THAT!
she is playing you bigtime, and don't put up with that usual bullshit about "I don't know what I want". If she is that young and she is planning to make you Husband number 3, there is cause to be concerned. She doesn't to seem to understand the concept that she is engaged, and she obviously doesn't take you very seriously.
My true advice(for what its worth) is that this will continue in front of you or behind your back. Nothing good is gonna come from this and you need to consider whether you want to be married to a woman who has such little regard for the institution of marriage.
Do you want to be coming back here in another two years and describing an episode where she comes clean about this guy AFTER you are married?
Do yourself a favor...
RUN SCREAMING!
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