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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello to all the wise advisory people out here!This is going to be a rather long post, I'm afraid, because it's been bothering me for a while, and I don't know whom else to talk to about it, under anonymity. I'm sorry to all those of you who do read it and think it's too long, or don't but still think it is. Well, anyway, here goes...4 years back, when I was 20, I met this guy; he and I had been childhood sweethearts when we were 10 and we were meeting now after 10 yrs of no contact, save for the last few months. In those last few months, he'd talked to me about this girl he liked, and would tell me lots of nice things about her. I was happy for him...we were just friends.When we finally met, he asked me to go out with him. I reminded him of this girl, n he told me that not much was every going to happen, coz she doesn't want to go out with him..i still refused, he said he just wnated to be loved, i melted, we kissed, n got into a relationship. A few days later, he told me that the girl, let's call her Pam, cried to a friend of his, upset tht he was seeing someone. I asked him if he wants to go out with her, and told me he could, it was not too late. He said no, he wanted to be with me.I lost my virginity to him, and when we were having sex (I wouldn't call it making love) he wasn't even looking at me. Anyway, 2 months later he said he thinks we should lay it off for a while, then a week later said he was still interested in the other girl, then another week passed (we were still sleeping togetehr, btw) n he said he was going to ask her out that day. So I told him that i would not be able to see him anymore...and walked out of his apartment and his life.A week later, he called me over..said he wanted to see me, after some persuasion I agreed, it turned out he wanted some physical lovin'. Coz this other girl wouldn't go anythign more than kiss. I was happy to have him want me in some way at least. (I did love him and i thought unconditionally.) A couple of weeks after that, he told Pam that I had been trying to get him into bed with me..I was so outraged, I told her the truth. They ended up splitting, and after 2 weeks of no contace, he called n said he wanted us to work things out. This time he treated me real nice, introduced me to friends as his gf n all that, and then a few weeks later I found out that he was cheating on me with Pam...again!I never gave him a hard time about it, just kept telling him to make the right choices. Eventually, he said he wanted to be with me..for good. I was...indifferent about it. The unconditionality of the love had worn off, i suppose. Then one day he told me he'd made a mistake n made out with Pam, since he was honest about it, i said we'd work it out. 2 months after that, I went to his place and found him and Pam arguing over something. I didn't wanna know, but she told me that they'd made out. I told him it was over, he begged, cried, said everythign possible to make me stay. I ended up giving in.3 months after that I got pregnant (unprotected sex) and had to have an abortion. a month after that, I found out taht he'd been lying to me about everything. Every. Little. Thing. I felt betrayed, didn't know what to think. We fought, but got back together after a month. Then 2 months later, he made out with his friend's gf (I didn't know about it until 6 months later). One day, I went out for lunch with this one guy who happened to be one of his friends. My bf flipped out, hit me, bruised me. I ended it. Dated the other guy for a while, and it was coming up roses. I started falling in love with him, while my ex kept asking me to take him back. I finally told him about this guy, and my ex went n told this one girl who meant a lot to him (He wasn't cheating on her or anything). He told me he couldn't see me after that. I also got to know, that a few weeks before I went out for lunch, my bf kissed my best friend. Days, weeks, months passed. Bf weasled his way back into my life, made me feel guilty about going out with his friend...made me feel like he wanted me to be his forever...got me pregnant again, another abortion., then started dating a girl 3 yrs younger than me, tore me apart n tortured me to the point where I stood at the edge of a 10-storey building looking down n not feeling afraid, whereas I have a severe fear of heights. I didn't do it coz I thought of my family. Soon after, I moved to another country which happened to be the only way I could get rid of him completely.My problem is that if I tell people that I went out with a guy for 3 yrs who kept cheating on me...they judge me instantly..and the abortions draw gasps.Am I really that bad? Is it really a stain on my character?
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abortion, best friend, got back together, lost my virginity, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Hi..I'm the OP..
I used to tell people about that relationship (not the abortions) because I didn't think there was anything shameful about it, and while few people respected my honesty (I just can't help myself..I open myself up completely to people I get close to), most others judged me for it. And now I've started to feel that maybe honesty *isn't* the best policy. But, I suppose, that may be another issue.
I would just really like to thank you all for reading my extreeeemely long post and replying. It means a lot to me. Thank you all so much for replying. You have all made me feel so much better. I really appreciate your advice, and I'm gonna try my best to apply it as far as i can..Thanks again..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): i'd never say it makes you a bad person -- you wanted to feel loved so desperately that you were willing to accept poor treatment in the hopes that somehow it might be enough. there is not a person in the world who has never felt that way. every one of us, at some point or another, craves attention, love, that feeling of being wanted/needed/etc., so badly, and often that craving consumes us and clouds our judgment. and when the clouded judgment leads to us getting hurt, it's easy to see why we'd be craving validation and needing to feel loved and taken care of all the more ... leading to the potential for more clouded judgment. it's a cycle. everyone has experienced it in one way or another; anyone who judges you simply doesn't understand the complex emotions that led to your complex situation. even very nice people sometimes don't comprehend complexity, so even good friends can be hurtful in this way. all i can say is that their opinion is only as meaningful as their comprehension of your situation is deep.
i would encourage you to think of this as an opportunity. you have had a very rough three years, and you have recognized the pain of it and have taken the first step towards healing. that's really brave. it takes a lot of strength to take that first step out of the cycle, b/c there's the risk that people will judge you or reject you and just hurt you more, pushing you deeper down into the cycle. there is still a lot of hurt that you will need a lot of time to deal with. more than any internet agony aunt could possibly comprehend. and more, i would wager, than any one person could possibly release on her own. you have a chance to reclaim your life. you're still so young, with so much of your future before you. please see a counselor and get some therapy. not because you're crazy or b/c there's something wrong with you, but because it will make your recovery easier and will help you to avoid going back to the man who has hurt you so much in a moment of clouded jdugment, b/c you'll have someone unconditionally on your side, who is emotionally un-invested enough to see things clearly and share that objective, unclouded view with you. good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 Everyone has stains on their character because no-one is perfect in everyway! Lots of people are honest about their pasts while some are not so honest! Perhaps you should wait a while before you tell any future boyfriends/ contacts about your past. I think there is something far more important to deal with here than other people and their views on what happened - that is your self esteem and your determination to NEVER allow any man to treat you this way in the future. Everyone makes mistakes in dating but the key is to learn from this and not to be so 'nice' in the future. Sorry to be blunt but you were his F*ck buddy doormat who always came back to nurse his bruised ego when the other girls didn't want to play the game his way. I am glad you have moved away from him but you must learn to control your own contraception as repeat abortions are very bad for your health and you must control your own dignity and self esteem too. He behaved badly but you let him behave badly.
You must learn to hold your head up high and never take this sort of cr*p off anyone - violence, infidelity, possessiveness...all unhealthy traits and signs of a man in need of professional help. Feel glad you escaped but don't walk right back into another relationship similar to this one in the future - read the signs of trouble early, don't forgive those who are undeserving and save yourself for someone who will afford you respect and commitment. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 hi sweetnes
I don’t think ur character has any stain, but if u keep believing that obviously u will feel like that. Remember people always judge other people its norm but unfair and anyway who said life is fair unfortunately that’s how life goes, I don’t think u should be living ur life seeking approval from anybody, yes u had abortions most people do not in believe that I don’t also but I also know circumstances can drive us into doing something we never believed in that’s why I don’t judge anyone, I befriend anyone no matter how the community hate them bcos I know we have different choices in life what works for me might not work for u, what makes me stronger might be a poison to somebody else but its life it goes on. Remember if u are ashamed of ur past people will always use that to bring u down, along the path of success or growing up we all made mistakes we are not proud of but those things made us stronger in some way they opened our eyes to some possibilities, they contributed fully to whom we have become.
Learn not to allow people to walk all over you, u might be inlove with the person but that doesn’t mean he or she is inlove with u, remember we don’t chose who we fall inlove with but we are in charge of who we want in our lives, u made wrong choices and unfortunately u didn’t have good judgement of character but that doesn’t mean its ur downfall. Read books on how to gain confidence in your self, or that boost ur self esteem, go for counseling. Accepting defeat when somebody hurt u doesn’t mean u must kill urself, it means okay this didn’t work and find something that works with ur dignity intact. killing urself is a symbol of cowardness and giving ur adversary powers of victory its not worth it, and doesn’t solve anything in the process it will only cause misery to ur family and friends.
u are a special person who deserve happiness sometimes people have to go thru difficulties to achieve something better in life, so hang in there and ur breakthrough will come someday don’t loose hope create goals for urself and don’t alow anyone to control ur destiny u are ur own person remember forgive urself first u owe urself that much and don’t care what people say or think u were born alone and the only person u must care what she thinks is urself. good luck
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