A
female
age
41-50,
*aggie11
writes:Sorry this is so long :)Four months ago I came home from work to discover that my husband of 3 years (together for 7) had taken the day off of work to move all his stuff out. He never mentioned anything about moving out prior to that. In fact I talked to him several times on the phone that day and we had made plans for that evening and he ended each conversation with “I Love You.” He even spoke to my brother 5 minutes before I got home and said he could stop over to help my brother with something. He took the cable box (the only utility in his name) because he said that he didn’t want me downloading pay-per-view movies to spite him. I also found out that he had moved joint money into a different account and he took our good car and left me with the car that has been having problems (even though I commute 100 miles/day and his commute is 1 mile and the loan for the better car is in my name). When I asked him why he was moving out, he gave me reasons like he felt I bullied him into getting pets. His reasoning behind this is that when I asked him if he we could get a dog he said that he didn’t really want a dog and I asked him a couple more times and he said ok. We took the dog on a trial basis and he never mentioned that he wasn’t happy with the dog. We got another dog that he went with me to pick out and he paid for and I’m supposed to know he has a problem with this. He also felt that I bought too much stuff which was true but I had already been working on that and it had improved drastically. Besides, we had no credit card debit, and we were paying 3 times our mortgage payment in order to pay the house off quickly. I was buying decorative items for the house because I have dreamed of having my own house since I was young.I have since learned how passive aggressive my husband was. He obviously didn’t like the pets but instead of bringing it up to me, he just resented me for it. He let his resentment grow to the point that he physically shoved me 8 times during an argument about 2 months before he moved out (when he shoved me I was not being belligerent, he followed me and shoved me while I was crying). I left to stay with my parents for a couple of days and I ended up having to apologize to him for the incident because I didn’t call him back right away. We have had a pretty good relationship overall. The last 6 months were a little rough because of a lot of family things that came up. My parents house caught on fire at the beginning of the year and my dad was a huge packrat so there was a lot of time involved in helping them (my husband recently said that because of the fire he had to miss some karaoke nights with friends because I didn’t feel like going out). When I think back most of the arguments we got into were because he would pick fights. From what he’s said over the last couple months, I think the real reason he moved out is because he didn’t get to hang out with his friends every night and he complained that he didn’t have enough down time.After the shoving incident, he brought up the subject of counseling. I told him that I didn’t think it would be a idea for both of us to go together at that time because I was still harboring a lot of resentment over the incident. He has gotten physical with me before and it has only escalated. I told him that I would like to have a little time to try and work on things ourselves and to get back on more stable ground. A couple of weeks later we talked and he was going to go to counseling on his own first. During one conversation I did mention that I thought it was a cop-out that he couldn’t talk to me about his feelings (he never brought any of these issues up prior to moving out). I am very capable of change and I can fix things as long as I know what the problem is. Supposedly when he moved out he still wanted to work on things. He had a counseling session scheduled for the next day but he wouldn’t let me go with him. I talked to him after the session and according to him, he wanted me to go the next session with him and I said I would only go if he moved back. I remember saying that I’d go but that hopefully he could consider moving back home. I was under a lot of stress so it’s possible that I did say that (I had found out about the address change, moving the money around, and the fact that he had been planning it for several weeks earlier that day). I let him know that I would go to counseling with him even if he didn’t move home. I set up my own counseling session and invited him along. I got rid of almost all the pets. I de-cluttered the house. I took a day off work so I could drop off a list I made of reasons why I thought the marriage was worth working on. He said he wanted to decide if the marriage was worth working on before allowing me to attend his next counseling session. So he took less than a week to decide that he didn’t want to work on the marriage. He couldn’t even tell me in person, he call me on the way home from a Labor Day barbeque. I called his mom to let her know that I was still trying to salvage our marriage. I have always had a good relationship with his parents and was looking for her support. She ended up saying everything was my fault because I didn’t go to counseling right away and that I had ruined everything and upset her terribly and she hung up on me. I e-mailed her back to apologize for upsetting her (even though that was not my intention at all and I had been extremely polite). My husband is an only child—not only that, but he’s a miracle child so his parents believe he can do no wrong. I was really upset by the way his mother treated me. Besides, his dad helped him move out and while he was over he took back several gifts they had gotten me. A picture his mother had given me as a shower gift was missing from the wall when I got home that day. I ended up meeting with his parents several weeks ago. I wanted to talk to them because I was really upset at how their family had been treating me. Right off the bat, they didn’t even ask me how I was doing—they started grilling me about the equity in the house. His dad also tried to push me for a dissolution because he said that otherwise I would have to pay alimony (even though there is only a $3000 difference in what we make). I mentioned that their son should want the dissolution as well because otherwise the physical stuff he had done would get brought into court. His mom stomped out soon after. I told his dad that I did not intend for the meeting to be over division of assets and I just wanted to express to them how hurt I’ve been about everything. I have always been extremely thoughtful of both of them and I have helped their son through a lot. He was flunking out of college when I met him and I helped him get back on track. I even had to pull some strings to get him to graduate. His dad thought it was completely fine the way his wife treated me and he went as far as to say that my husband shoving me was admirable because he was just trying to keep me in the room to talk to me. I wish that I had gone to counseling immediately. However, I thought we had a plan. He was going to go and then he just bailed. It seems to me from the way he moved out that he was never coming back—does it appear that way to anyone else? Also, his dad claimed that the way his son moved out is how any man would have done it. Any opinions? I have really low self esteem and my husband and his parents keep making me feel like it was all my fault.
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bullied, money, moved out, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, disappointedwoman1 +, writes (23 February 2009):
It sounds like this guy has big family of origin issues that are, and may always, work against you. His family seems way too involved in your split....this is between you and your husband. I'm not sure who brought them into it...but they shouldn't be in it. That said, it sounds like he wanted to leave and is looking for all sorts of reasons to rationalize his behavior to himself and to you. It is a lot easier for a guy to leave a woman if he builds a case against her in his mind......you can think of a ton of perceived slights if you put your mind to it. That way he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. Personally, I think you need to count your blessings and cut ties with him...and especially with his family.
A
female
reader, maggie11 +, writes (6 January 2009):
maggie11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all the helpful comments!! I really appreciate all the advise. I have met with a lawyer and hopefully things can get wrapped up fairly quickly. I am ashamed that I spent months begging him to come back. He's the only guy I've ever dated and I think if I had more self esteem I never would have married him. He never put me first. I just have to work on trying to get over the hurt and anger I feel towards him and his parents. I also need to stop blaming myself for not going to counseling immediately. I think he would have found some other excuse for getting out of the marriage. Counseling probably wouldn't have done any good anyway because he doesn't think he has done anything wrong in the relationship. His dad even said it was admirable that he shoved me because he was trying to keep me in the room to talk to me. I guess I should be thankful to be rid of all of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Oh dear I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I don't know what state you live in but I hope it is a no-fault divorce state....
What your husband is doing is called "planned divorce" and I think his parents are goading him into it, they care about getting the money.
What you need to do is be the first to file for divorce and serve him papers. In most states the one filing has the upper hand. The car loan being in your name is helpful in laying claim to the car, but whose name is it titled to? He is moving your assets around so you can't get them as posession is 9/10ths the law. Change the locks on the house and get a restraining order against him so that if he comes on the property you can have him arrested.
This is already ugly and it is going to get worse. I can't understand your apologetic nature towards a spoiled brat of a man who is a coward, he shoves you and hits you...once would have been the end of the marriage for me.
Do you have children together? I hope not.
Count your lucky stars that you now know his true character and get out as soon as you can or you will have nothing left.....alimony is unlikely, he can work and you put him through college....but get yourself the best divorce attorney that you can find....and let the mediators work out the division of assets. Forget about counseling, he has already made his choice and from the sounds of it, you have nothing to salvage in this marriage.
I am sorry, but I think you are lucky to be rid of him, he is a classic abuser.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Ok Honey, this has happened to me and apparently is quite common. My husband rang me on the way home from work to say he woud be half an hour and never came home ever again. This cowards way out seems to be quite popular. Also moving stuff out when the female is at work is another popular get out. I don't want to hurt you but the marriage is over. Your husband has gone whining to his parents for help and he obviously wants out of this marriage as quickly as possible. The best thing you can do is to save face and just let him go. Go and see a solicitor and find out your rights. Do not be bullied by your in-laws. From your post you seem remarkably sanquine and in control to me and all credit to you. This man is weak, and you can do far better. As you are so in control go and see a solicitor to help you progress this through to divorce. Normally the one who files first has the upper hand.
I am sorry that I cannot type that I feel the marriage is worth working on but all you have written is so similar to what I have gone through I do not think it is worth your time working on this any more. The councelling issue is irrelevant he would have done whatever he wanted whether you had gone immediately or with him or not. My ex husband went to councelling with me in the morning and in the afternoon he went to see his divorce lawyer! Let this man go and quickly so as to mimimise the pain to you. You are too mature and and adult to deal with any more of this rubbish.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Wow, such a mess. First of all the total and absolute lack of communication and problem solving was the biggest issues, I think, in your marriage.
He's acting like a spoiled brat - totally. If he didn't want pets he should have said no and meant it, and YOU should have listened when he did say no (the first time) and respected the no.
His parents can see no faults in their son, you might as well get used to that. And you enabling him, by actually apologizing when he shove you isn't helping either.
I'm not pinning any blame - please don't think that.
I think he's emotionally stunted. Most likely used to Mommy doing everything for him. When you two married he expected you to be his "new" mommy. Knowing what he likes and disliked magically and complying.. When you didn't he would try with passive -aggressive behavior then slightly aggressive behavior, but never sit like an adult and actually talk to you.
I would not let me get bullied into a dissolution if you do not want one, contact a lawyer first. I would not agree to paying him a dime of alimony. And CHANGE your locks, he left the house. If he wants something you should be present.
As for the things his parents gave you and took back, don't sweat it it's just stuff, and later on when you are starting over, you really don't need crummy reminders of him and his family.. Know what I mean?
For whatever reason, he disengaged the marriage a long time ago, I wouldn't be surprised of the mother had a hand in nurturing his resentments towards you instead of telling him to grow a pair and talk to you.
I'm sorry you have all this hanging over you, but I suggest a swift divorce and for you to move on. Hindsight is 20/20 but absolutely useless in this situation. Take what happened and learn from it.
PS don't waste your time with his parents.
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