A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm 25, English and never had a proper girlfriend. I'm also a virgin. The truth is nobody wants me. People say you'll meet someone but I know I won't. I know this question gets asked more times but I would like some help. The problem is I live in a little working class town that doesn't have clubs or groups to join. We don't work in offices and have office parties. We all work in factories and warehouses. They're all male orientated. Everybody meets their partner in a pub or a nightclub. I'm tee total and detest pubs and such. Nobody I know has any single female friends either. I tried voluntary but most of the people who do are elderly or a lot older than me. I don't earn a lot so can't afford to keep going to expensive places like bowling or the cinema and even if I did there's little chance of actually talking to someone. I even tried internet dating and failed horribly. If you don't meet someone in a drinking place then you stay single. Being single really upsets me. I know I'm not giving you a lot to work with but that's life where I come from and any help would be appreciated. I used to self harm because I can't get a girlfriend. I don't do it anymore but I sometimes think of it as a way of coping again. But I never do it. People say that there's someone out there for anyone. This might be true. But what if they live in another country?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Wow, you certainly got a lot more feedback since I've checked in here. Sounds like things are looking a bit more positive? Excellent. Work on your strengths, you have quite a few!
I'm not qualified to tell a 20-something young British man what to wear, I have no idea! Maybe check out the 'what not to wear' website? Trinny and Susannah are a bit OTT but I think they've worked with young men too. There's also an American show, though I think it's been cancelled, haven't seen it in a while, called 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'. They give straight men makeovers in hair, clothes, housing, hobbies. It's worth googling. It might not be pertinent to you now, as the trends may have moved on. But it is hilarious. Maybe youtube.com has some of their stuff?
Well, good luck in your new venture! Sounds great. And thanks for keeping us updated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Thanks for the feedback; remember keep SMILING!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Hang around university humanities departments. That's where it's all women wondering where the straight single men are. I'm serious! Maybe you can apply for extended education or night classes to get a degree in languages or literature?
Another option is try a yoga class! I go to these classes and they're always about 30 young women with about 2 middle aged guys.
Even though you say you're ugly, if you keep yourself in good shape, and take care of your appearance, women don't really mind (only the very young ones might be shallow about appearance but they'll be too immature for you anyway.)
Finally, you should be moving heaven and earth to get out of your town and into a place with more single women. You can always move back to your hometown when you have a family to raise.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Hi there, Thanks for considerig some of the good advice, offered to try to help you. It is the inside that counts, I have seen people who are not what society would call your "beautiful people", be so charming and seriously concerned about their fellow man, that no one cared what they looked like. They projected a radience of kindness
toward people. Internalize that thought if you can, you wlll grow and it will cetainly have people liking you for you. About clothes, I personally like casual, clean sporty c;pthes. I saw a member of congress speak once at a charity rally, wear a navy blue suit jacket, with a white turtle neck polo shirt and off navy sporty pants, he looked sharp. If I were you, I would try out styles, until I was comfortable with my look, it's what you feel good in and whhat you think suits you, don't wear something because someone else suggested it. Go to a couple of men's clothing stores and try on combinations of clothing until it hits you, that I like this, or look through some men's clothing catalogs to see what catches your eye, my thought is that subtle is good, but again, what do you think is right for you. You are growing already and opening up avenues to better thought processes, this is very good. Remember, you are special, the only one of you and you are here for a reason, maybe not to solve the worlds problems, but as you meet people you will be able to add some positive things to their lives based on you experiences. Love yourself, feel good about yourself and keep reinforcing that thought, always be your own best friend. Keep in tough. Good luck to you always.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I've never really looked at it like that before. Everybody who has written in and said some really nice things and proffered some fantastic ideas which I'll certainly try and bring to fruition. I hope that what I wear is okay. Usually I wear shirts with jeans but never ripped jeans and I never wear tracksuit bottoms. Trainers (sneakers) are out as well. I usually have short hair and went through a phase of having blonde streaks in it. I'd like to do it again but somebody, a girl, said that I shouldn't have it done. People told me, quite a few times, that it really suited me. Would that help in my appearance? Would a girl like that? I'd be grateful if any of you could give me some tips on looking good or what you like to see a man in. Or if what I wear is okay. Anything that could help improve my chances and confidence. Diovan Lestat recommended a book by Tony Robbins that I'm going to order. I feel better and more positive now. I don't expect things to change overnight but you've given me something to look forward to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): You seem like a very nice guy, however, maybe you just need to "polish" a few things;
I think you should try and be more positive and look at ways that you can IMPROVE your SOCIAL SKILLS other then pubs and clubs, which you don't like. Join activities at churches or things that are of interest to you; or start entertaining friends at home;like watching videos with friends;
Maybe a " make over" will be a good idea;
BUT
a secret:
it is always nice to meet somebody that is self confident and friendly;
I suggest you stop concentrating on finding the right person; concentrate on ENJOYING yourself and spending your time with friends that you have things in common with;
I suggest you see a counselor to help you to overcome some of the issues that are troubling you; it is so much easier when somebody professional can help you to work through these issues; sometimes it is little things that we suppress deep down; but when we learn to deal with our fears and insecurities it opens our lives to so many more opportunities.
Always remember to smile; A SMILE, is one of the easiest ways to get somebodies attention; without saying a word;
I suggest you start SMILING more; even if you don't feel like it; believe me, it works miracles on others and have a very positive influence on your own frame of mind.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES from me;
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): Your right about that Artistry, this man is educated, charming and very skilled. He's a good listener, kind, sensitive, not selfish and and very intelligent. He can speak a bit of Russian, can play the guitar and he's articulate, and well spoken. He studied law, sociology and is also a qualified motor mechanic. He dose a lot of writing in my spare time, he's done charity work, he has a job, and he's still a very young man. Wow, well that sounds like a catch for any woman too me.
Maybe your appearance needs a fix up, a new haircut, some clothes that suit, will do wonders for your appearance and your confidence. Don't give up mate, as you can see their are a lot of women here that think you sound great. We want the best for you, and we want you to be happy, not down and sad. You've got some qualities that more handsome men would kill to have. We can see that, and we want you to see that too. Start loving yourself, because there is so much about you to love. I know you don't believe it, but once you get self confidence and start talking to girls, you won't be single for long. Take care of you, and good luck. Blessings.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (24 July 2008):
Hi there, First of all, when I read further down into your letter, something distrubed me. Please do not resort to self hurting , there is definitely nothing wrong with you. I would like you to find a good book store and purchase a book, on building your self esteem, take your time finding it. You have to be and this is very, very important, you must be your own best friend, you have talent, maybe you haven't discovered it yet, but you do. You propably have a very creative mind, but you have not tried to develope it. You should try writing short stories or poetry. Discover who you are inside, you will, will come to appreciate who you are and what you are about. We all are fascinating as human beings. I want you to know what good things there are inside of you, so you will not want to hurt such a special individual. You have a contribution to make, you are here for a reason, search for that. You will find someone, but there is no extreme rush, they will be there. You may not have found them yet, because you are not quite ready, your self worth, and self-esteem must be improved. You must love yourself, before you can give healthy love to someone else, and please don't think that when you meet this person, everything is going to be sunny and bright, no one else can make you happy, you must be reasonablly happy before you meet your partner to be. Remember that, if you would.
Now to the question of finding someone, are there schools in your town? How about registering for a class where there will be many ladies, cooking, lady things, you may be the odd man out, but that's what you want. How about going shopping in a store mostly for women, look as though you are at a lost, and ask anyone who looks interesting, without an engagement or wedding ring, for their help in getting something for your sister, or mom, just to start a
conversation, and see where it goes. The main library in town should have ladies looking for books, try there and do the same thing, ask a lady for advice on certain titles, or subject matter. Women store clerks in the perfume department
stores could be a source to meet someone. Don't stalk, but browse, and see who meets your eye. Volunteer at the local college, where the women are older as a tutor. Is there an airport nearby, their restaurants should have people all around, how you find out who lives in town, may be kind of hard, but you can always show up at the luggage area, for incoming flights, and behave as though your luggage did not come through, i.e., topic of conversation. There are a lot of available ladies, right there in your town, you just have to search a bit. Also, the men at your job, have sisters, good way to be introduced to one. But first you should build up your confidence and your self-esteem. Work on that immediately, we only have ourselves, if we don't love ourselves, why would anyone else love us. Think of yourself as this way, you are the only one of you, your gifts, your intelligence, your empathy, your care for others, you are you and there is no duplication, sure there are people somewhat like you, but not exactly like you. I want you to find you, that special human being. Then after you have gained that special, healthy self-love, you can go on this special safari for a nice lady.:o) You will find her, but first you must find yourself. I hope I have been helpful. Do write back and let me know, what your thoughts are. Take care and be as happy as you can be, it's good for your well being.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been internet dating for over a year now. No offence but don't assume. You'll get it wrong. It's clear that you haven't really listened to anything I said. I can't afford to go to college. I live in a mining village in Nottinghamshire. It IS like something from 200 years ago. Money is not invested in the town. It's a bad area. I'm happy in my job. I work in a video shop. As a film fanatic it's ideal for me. I have no aspirations to be middle class. I'm proud of my roots. I can't help but feel that your looking at my life as someone who lives in London. In London there is a multitude of opportunities. If I go on the bus or train or whatever how exactly am I going to start a conversation up without looking like a weirdo? How do I start a conversation in supermarket? Chatting up girls on the street is not the way to go. It makes girls nervous. You did offer some helpful hints, though. So thankyou for that. And I do agree that I am very negative. I have built up rage and anger in me which probably shows through. I was picked on and bullied at school and college. That's why. I've never believed the world owes me a living. Far from it. I've grown up on my own and learned everything on my own. I don't owe anybody anything and they don't owe me. If I were to go to London how would I meet some girls? How could I build a friendship when I'm only there for the day? Two at the most? I've never heard of anybody meeting anybody in a supermarket or on public transport. Like I said you meet your partner in a pub or a nightclub. You also said they have fun. Getting bladdered and pissing your hard earned money up a wall is not fun to me. Fighting and girls that are only after free drinks? Boy, am I missing out! So where do I go? Like I said there's no clubs or groups to join. I'll certainly give the library a go. I'm guessing that you've got a boyfriend or had relationships in the past. You're obviously very confident and I'm also guessing that relationships may not have always been a problem to you. With what you've said it sounds to me like you're a clubber or at least go to pubs like all other girls. It's just proving my point. As a girl you expect men to do the chasing. You can stand around and know that you'll pull. Girls very rarely approach men. I can only hope that I haven't caused any offence to you with what may seem like a vitriolic rant. You were trying to help. And I appreciate that. I have listened to what you said and will take everything that said on board. I'm just trying to show that for some people it's not as easy as what's believed. If you could offer any other advice I'd be really, really grateful. Thankyou.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): Here is some video advice on how to find a girl, how to be a perfect boyfriend and make women fall in love and go wild.
http://www.videojug.com/tag/find-your-soulmate
You should also try to get some tapes and books by Anthony Robbins. He's a motivational speaker from the united states. I've found you can even get a free book. He felt ugly and poor compared to other guys, but he set goals, he changed his life and now he's really rich. Try to follow some of his philosophy and go out and make happiness for yourself.
http://www.freetonyrobbinsbook.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpc-t-Uwv1I
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): And if I have the right qualities why are girls still saying no? Because you have a large dose of negativity. I'm sorry mate, but I'm from the UK too. Where are you living, it sounds like somewhere stuck from 200years ago. Other people find partners, but you don't. You sit there and dwell on all the negatives, but you still expect to attract a girl. You need to buck up your ideas, and get out there and make something of your life.
Your 25, but I get the impression that I'm speaking to a 10year old. Everything about you is can't, can't, can't. Well of course you do no good with the girls.
You tried internet dating, it went wrong. Well how many times did you try to date someone. I bet you tried once and then gave up. You know your ugly and girls don't find you attractive, your wrong about that as well. Girls are looking for fun guys, that treat them good, if your attractive that's a bonus.
Don't you have supermarkets where you live, in London we have a big dating scene in Sainsbury's and Tesco's. You look in a person's basket and you get to know them better that way. You don't have a car, have you tried chatting girls up in the streets, on the bus or on the train. Or do you just keep yourself quiet wondering why you can't find a girl.
You don't like pubs or clubs, I must agree that's the best places to meet someone. But what about going to church, they got nice girls there. Go to the library, you'll find a girl who likes to read. Go and get a coffee, you'll find girls that don't like alcohol. Why don't you save money and come to London for the day, we got plenty of nice looking girls down here. You've studied car mechanics, sociology, and law. Well why don't you get a better job and move somewhere else. Your an educated, skilled man, plenty of girls like that. You could go back to college, ton's of girls in college.
The only thing your doing wrong is drowning in self pity. The world dosen't owe you a living, nobody promised you happiness. If you want to find a girlfriend, you better lighten up and set yourself some goals about where you want to be, and what you want to be doing in five years time. Like attracts Like, your depressed and down, why is anyone decent gonna be attracted to that. You see the people coming out of clubs drunk, but a least they're having a laugh, they're giving things a try.
You need to build up some self esteem, you have to take chances, you need to chase sometimes and yes, maybe embarras yourself. Talk to every bloody girl you see, flirt and smile, and find something usefull to occupy your time. Your feeling sad and alone, well, that's not helping. Go back on the internet and start dating again, what have you got to loose. Stay feeling sorry for yourself and in five years time, you'll still be a lonely young man, in 20years, you'll be a lonely old man.
Get out there, start interacting, stop judging people. Getting pissed, dosen't mean your a bad person. Your perfect girl won't find you if your stuck at home. You have a ideal girl in your mind, she dosen't drink, go out or like nightclubs. Well move arround and you'll find her. Don't stay in a dead end job, a dead end town, with education and wonder why you can't find a girl.
Who dares wins, and who stays at home lonely and sad, will be lonely and sad for years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I detest social places it's just pubs and clubs. I don't know what it's like in America but in England everybody goes out to get smashed or pissed as a fart. There is a big problem with pub violence in Britain and a lot of girls there are only there to meet good looking lads and get a knee trembler. The music is so loud that you can't talk so you're judged on your looks. It's not my scene. Unfortunately, there isn't any music clubs about. There are more options in the main city but getting there is a problem. It's an hour away and transport is expensive. Unlike America driving a car isn't part of the national curriculum. You have to pay between £20 odd and £30 a lesson and the actual driving test costs nearly two hundred pounds. It is a difficult situation. That's why people stick to nightclubs. I'm trying to understand why girls say I'm going to meet someone because I have all the right qualities but it's just not them I'm destined to be with. And if I have the right qualities why are girls still saying no?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
Sorry, I've just realized that I haven't responded to you since your update.
Musical
Intelligent
Handy with cars
Look, you need to work on the self-confidence thing here. You are doomed the minute you walk out your door because you are projecting the image of a guy who doesn't like himself very much. And if you don't like yourself, why should any girl?
Your attitude about pubs, does this apply to coffee shops too? Are there any clubs that have live folk or indie music that you could go to? If you detest social places, you're really going to have a difficult time meeting people.
Have you asked your doctor to refer you to a qualified counsellor? You could tackle your self-esteem issues as well as the urge to self-harm you mentioned. The sooner you ask for help with these, the sooner you'll have a more positive attitude about yourself.
I just watched an interesting bit on the news program here in the US, about how food can affect our mood. Worth a look, anyway.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25790849/
Start thinking of some more things. What are you good at?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, to be honest with you I'm stumped. I can't think of another one. Any help? The thing is you have to have a physical attraction to someone. And, I think, that's the problem. It doesn't matter how great you are as a person if they don't fancy you then they won't want to go out with you. They only like you as friends.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Keep going, you've got a good list started.
Good listener
Loyal
Not selfish
Intelligent
Let's get another one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, yeah. I forgot to add that people say I'm a good listener. I'm always there listening to people's problems. That's a positive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not really sure what I could offer a girl. I'm really ugly. The only thing that I can say is that I always treat girls right and am not selfish. I would walk across hot coals for someone. People say that I'm intelligent. I can speak a bit of Russian, can play the guitar and am articulate. I studied law, sociology and am also a qualified motor mechanic. I also do a lot of writing in my spare time. I can't think of five things. Bit sad isn't it? Pubs and clubs aren't really social places at all. People are either in a relationship or looking for a great looking lad. The music is so loud that you can't hear yourself think let alone talk. I'm not confident or funny. This isn't self pity. It's the truth. The things that girls say they want is entirely different to what they choose.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2008):
Wow, you are definitely stuck in some negative thoughts here. You have presented a very thorough list of why finding someone isn't going to work in your town.
May I ask you a rather personal question? And I am not trying to be mean or nasty here, just trying to learn a little more so I can try to suggest something.
Give me three, or four, or even better, five good reasons why a girl should date you. What do you have to offer? What are your positive attributes?
Thanks if you can follow up.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Im sorry you are feeling so low but being self pitying is not a good quality, you should just be enjoying life who cares if you dont have a girlfriend, you may hate bars pubs and clubs but sometimes you have to do things you dont like to meet people. Im a self harmer my reasons foir doing it are alot more extreme then yours but welll done for giving it up.
There is someone out there for you but you sometimes have to do things you dont like to meet them
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