A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for this long message, but I am looking for some insight and would appreciate your help.My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We lived in he same city for 5 months and then I had to move away for school. We are both in out early to mid-thirties and we were very serious before I left and decided that we wanted to pursue a long-distance relationship. We made it work and spoke and saw each other often. Our relationship grew stronger and we spent time together, with each others' friends and families and were making plans for the future.Things were not perfect and we did have a handful of arguments that were mostly about the same thing. There were times when I felt unappreciated (e.g. an occasion where he was very late for a meeting and another where he accidentally double-booked our dinner plans). They were forgivable and honest mistakes, but somehow, although things seemed to resolve on the surface, it just accumulated inside me. The last time that this happened was in January and we actually spoke to a counselor to try to get through this chronic issue. After this point, he was really making an effort not to make me feel this way and things got much better.Things were fine until about a month ago when I picked a fight for a similar (and very childish) issue. Things escalated and it became very difficult for us to talk without fighting. At that time, he told me that he needed space, which I agreed was needed, but it was hard for me to give him at first, but I was finally able to do it after a couple of days. During this time, his friends told me how terribly stressed and overworked he was and that they were concerned about his health because he would come home from work at 6 and keep working from home until after 11 pm most nights only to return to work for 8 am the next day. The work would spill over to the weekends and he just could not relax. His workload had increased hugely and he was not coping very well. I should mention that his work is very important to him and, although I felt unappreciated at times, I have tried to support him in his career aspirations.After some space, things got better between us and we could talk again. Then we saw each other and things felt good. It was comfortable and pressure-free and he did not want me to leave. One major thing that happened when I was with him was that I saw how demanding and crazy his work is. (He was working from home that day.) Until that moment, I had known that he was busy, but I had no idea what that meant. We decided that we wanted to make things work and to move past the fight. Then we separated and he withdrew again without saying why. I gave him space again thinking that this was what he needed, but after a week of only getting text messages, I called him and this led to another fight. He told me that he is overwhelmed with his work and wants to make the relationship work, but he does not know how. He asked me to be patient and that we would talk in a few days.Yesterday was that day and he called to say that we should break up. He said that he has to figure his life out and that he does not want the relationship right now. He cannot stand the fighting and cannot see how things are going to get better. We argued again, but although he knows that we had a special and meaningful relationship, he feels that the fighting is only going to get worse.It has been hard for me to hear this and I want to respect his wishes. At the same time, I know that this fighting is because of stress and not our relationship. I emailed him last night after we talked and asked him for more time and space to think about things. I will be moving back home in two weeks and we will be in the same city again. I also asked him to meet me and he agreed to all of this. Things were so different when we were last saw each other in person and I feel that the fighting is worse because we are living 800 miles apart. Am I wrong to think that proximity will help to improve the situation? Any advice would be appreciated.Thank you for your help. P.S. I have made a resolve to stop fighting and have actually sought out counseling to help me with this problem. The recurring argument has come from my own insecurities and I really believe that managing this will make things easier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): I think that there is a chance that the relationship could work. The distance very well could have a been a major reason in the fighting. But you will want to keep an eye on it. If the fighting continues is it worth it to stay in the relationship? I hope that everything works out for you!
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