A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance for the length of this post.I dated a guy for about 9 months long distance. We met online and for the first 2-3 months we would spend 8-10 hours a day talking and skyping. Being in person together felt right and we got along pretty well for the most part. We did have fights over things that never seemed to get resolved. For example, he felt an incessant need to know everything about my love life prior to being with him but he was reluctant to reciprocate the same kinds of information. While that instigated a lot of problems, I too had my own trust issues with him. For example, we got into a fight and he started texting his ex immediately and lied to my face about who he was texting. He would also pick female friends up late at night and drive them to bars and then be their DD back around 3-4 in the morning. Both of which I told him I felt uncomfortable with especially given that I was states away and didn't know these girls.We ended up breaking up for an entire year and I just saw him this past week. We had been talking the entire year and both of us knew the other one was dating. However, again he insisted on knowing an absurd amount of details and would get mad at me if I didn't answer. Of course, when I asked him about his dates he wouldn't give me much detail other than none of them were serious or lasted more than 2 dates.During the visit last week, I noticed that there were a ton of female products in his bathroom. I asked him about it and he had said he dated a girl for a couple of months who would go to the gym with him, go back to his place to shower and brought stuff over. Supposedly this ended in December but I can't figure out why he would leave all of her things in the shower for 4 months? He told me to feel free to use some drawer space so I didn't have to keep my clothes in my luggage. Upon opening the sock drawer, I found thongs in there. Again- why would he keep something like that there for so long? To preface, he is pretty lazy about cleaning.. his fridge had expired food from back in October...Now I know this part is going to have some people annoyed with me and will tell me I had no right, but I did go through his phone while he showered. I didn't trust anything he had said after having told me he never went on more than 2 dates with any girl. Since this trip was a trial to see if we could be together again and things had changed, I was afraid of getting back into a relationship with someone who could lie to me so easily. I found that 2 days before I saw him, he was asking multiple girls from tinder (that was what there last name was in his phone) out for dinner or dance lessons. He had also lied to me about Skype because whenever I had asked him to Skype with me across country, he said he never went on anymore. However, I read texts that showed he was skyping at least 2 girls frequently enough that they set up "sessions".When I realized he was asking girls out 2 days before me coming, I asked him about it. We obviously had a fight and I took a walk. I was out for about 30 minutes when I decided to check tinder and see when he was active. Within 5 minutes of leaving him, he had been on and swiping through girls. When I came back and asked him to take me to the airport early, he started panicking that I was so upset and said he was just checking the app that caused a problem and happened to swipe through some girls. I wouldn't let him touch me even though he kept trying to hug me and when he saw how much I was crying, he actually started to cry saying that he hated seeing me so hurt.What I'm the most confused about is this- even though we fight this bad and there is clearly a huge breach of trust both ways, I can't stop feeling like I want to be with him and still have crazy ideas of wanting to move and eventually marry him. He goes back and forth with his feelings for me. He said a few times during the trip that he would ideally want us to work out and have me move to him in 6-7 months. Then when I asked him before I left if he thought he would ever see me again, he told me he didn't know and couldn't make promises. And he couldn't promise to not date anyone past 1 week of me leaving him. I can't help but feel like he just wanted to sleep with someone and then resume his normal dating life that doesn't involve me. When I know he's a liar and treats me so poorly (he even forgot my birthday while we were dating).. why am I so obsessed with making him want to be with me? He showed me pictures of all the girls he dated while we were broken up and they are all gorgeous. I feel like he wanted to shove it in my face that he can do better than me. And even after all of this, I'm still trying so hard to make it work and make him want to be with me. What is wrong with me?
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cheated on me, his ex, liar, long distance, met online, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSincerely thank you to all who responded. I know it's a continuous cycle of feeling worthless which makes me want validation from him even more. The only reason I said there are trust issues with me is because I went through his phone. Other than that I've been nothing but honest- not sure what it is about him that makes me feel obligated to give him all the details that are none of his business. I think a part of me thinks being so open and honest will make me seem like a better girl. I understand everything I'm doing is completely unreasonable and illogical.To answer the question about my father- yes, he has always been in my life, my parents are still married. However, I've grown up with him telling me I am not good enough in areas, he likes to pinch my stomach fat even though I am not overweight at all.. And he used to tell me all the time he only wanted 1 daughter (I have an older sister) and why couldn't I have been a boy. I've also watched him say horrible things about my momBehind her back like that she's really stupid or calls her a bitch when she's not around. Granted he isn't always like that but that is a large portion of the dynamic. She just doesn't know it goes on.I think it's fair to say I have plenty of self esteem and worth issues and perhaps counseling is my only option at this point.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 May 2015):
 This guy isn't worth another minute of your time... Dump him.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2015):
 Ah one of THOSE guys....
My advice drop him and do it fast.
YES, you shouldn't have gone through his phone, no matter how much you had a "feeling". You should have TRUSTED that gut feeling and left.
He wanted ALL the details of YOUR previous sex life, even though it's REALLY none of his business. THAT is your past and usually MORE drama than not when people share, in your case HE didn't share his. HE just wanted all the DIRT on you.
You dated him LDR. Which I think for him means that when you weren't there in PERSON he could act single. That way he would get sex while you were there (which he thought was a given) and sex/dates with whomever after you left.
A guy doesn't have feminine products when his LDR GF is coming to see if they CAN make it work. HE LEFT them there KNOWING you would find them and feel insecure.
He showed you pictures of the girls he had dated.. again to make you feel insecure.
The thong? Same thing.
And you know what? IT WORKED. You now think he is some SUPER-STUD you MUST have!! Instead of the lying cheating bugger he IS.
WHY are you so obsessed with trying to make it work? Because you got yourself convinced that you have to show him what a GREAT girl ha has. You think you can FIX this guy and that IF ONLY you love him enough he will becomes the "fantasy character" you have in your head of him. He won't.
You want to MARRY this BUGGER? Are you serious? You think a RING on his finger will make him faithful? Stop him from lying?
So many girls have this "I muse date a bad boy so I can rehabilitate him!!" and they ALL end up getting hurt.
YOU have done WHAT to make him lose trust in you? Nothing you mention make me think he had ANY reason not to trust you.
HE however, have done EVERYTHING to show you that you can not trust him. YET, here you are... thinking OH I WANT OT marry him!!
HIM crying? MANIPULATION. BIG time. HE knew that crying would MAKE you think that he feels remorse, but he doesn't. LEAVING all that stuff around his place for you to see? MANIPULATION.
I'm sorry to say this if you keep "dating" him... you seriously need your head examined.
He is NOT a good guy. Not a keeper. THAT is for sure.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): He is a pimp. Get as far away from him as you can unless you are planning a future of selling it online.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): You are falling for a pimp...thats what your problem is. Wash your hands and walk away and give him an oscar for managing tears as he watched his financial future walk away..well at least one of them but he still has the others on the back burner..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): I can only suspect that you are so desperate for any type of male attention that in your mind the only thing worse than this scumbag lying to, cheating on, and disrespecting you would be him ignoring you.
I respectfully suggest you seek counseling to get to the roots of the issues that have resulted in your complete lack of self-esteem.
Random question: Was your bio-father in the picture when you were growing up?
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