A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a long one, so brace yourselves.I probably have one of the most unhealthy relationships out there besides abusive ones. My boyfriend and I were both engaged to other people when we met. I was with my ex for 10 years, he was with his for a little over 6. He had a daughter with her and she was 2 years old when we met. I actually met him through an employee of mine, it was her cousin and I needed to redo my bathroom. Even on the phone before we met, there was so much chemistry. Once we met, forget it, the feelings were so powerful it took both of us by surprise. When I looked at him I felt like I had known him my whole life and without me telling him that, he told me he felt that way as well. We did the wrong thing and started an affair. I was in an mentally and verbally abusive relationship at the time and never thought I could get out of it, but I just HAD to be with this man. In weeks we fell in love, and in 3 months I had the courage to leave my ex. We continued our relationship for another 9 months. He made it clear he didn't want to leave his fiance for fear she would find someone else and he would be replaced in his daughter's life. He said he couldn't bare the thought of another man spending time with her or disciplining her, so he wasn't leaving. However,our feelings for each other were so strong, he finally decided he wanted to be with me. He moved his fiance and daughter to her grandmothers house and moved in with me. No one knew this and it was not officially said they were splitting permanently, he told her he just needed some time. He didn't think being brutally honest with her would benefit her since she was innocent in all this. Over time, he would gradually let go. In the mean time, he went to see his daughter every Wednesday after work and Friday, would stay there Friday night and come home Saturday evening (they lived a little far away, it was not a short trip to make). I was very uncomfortable about the overnight stays, but the way we felt about eachother felt so strong, I tried to put that aside.Unfortunately/fortunately I became pregnant 4 months after he moved in. This was not good timing since they had technically only been apart for a few months. Needless to say it wasn't pretty when he told her. O.K, fast forward 1 year from then, my son is now 5 months old. There has been no change in the visiting schedule, the Friday night overnight stays have continued. He says he looks forward to them and so does his daughter. They stay up late, watch movies, build forts, etc...This past Wednesday I finally gave in to months of agonizing suspicion that something was wrong and looked in his phone. There were text messages that were so hurtful to see. "I Love You", "I Miss You", calling her sexy, my heart broke into a million pieces. I woke him up with this evidence. He was in such a daze since it was past 2 in the morning, he really wasn't comprehending what I was saying right away. Once he did, it started a 12 hour session (wasn't much of a fight, there was no yelling, lots of crying, but no yelling). He admitted to sleeping with her, but wouldn't say if it was once, or multiple times (obviously I know better then to think it was once). He said that it wasn't all the time, blah blah blah. He was pretty honest and at times I wished he would have kept somethings not-so-honest. He kept saying it had nothing to do with me or how strong his feelings for me were, that he loved me and was going to spend the rest of his life with me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He had sex with his ex, sent loving text messages and this had nothing to do with me??????? Seriously????? After about 11 hours, the truth spews from his mouth. He said he had been stringing her along, giving her little tid-bits of hope here and there so she wouldn't be with anyone and he couldn't be replaced as a father. He blurted this out with such anger, he looked like he hated me for making him admit it. His father died young and he has always believed he wasn't going to live very long either. For the first time in over 2 years I watched this man cry, a man who said only boys cry, real men don't. I went into a rave about how incredibly selfish he was and how dare he do that, blah blah blah. He said he knew what he was doing was wrong but couldn't help it. He just wanted to make everything good with everyone. I don't think he could've picked a worse way. I realize that what I did to her is exactly what I am getting back, but she isn't aware of the full extent of our relationship, so she is doing better in the Karma situation than I am. I have been crying for 2 days and he has taken the past 2 days off from work to try to do something about this. His bags are currently packed in the living room. What's sad is that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and have never felt like I needed someone, but I have always felt that I needed HIM in my life. It is now Friday night and I can't believe it, but he is spending the night there! I am speechless. He was taking his daughter to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I told him he needed to come "home" after and he said he couldn't bare to break her little heart. I know every single one of you are screaming LEAVE HIM, and trust me, I want to, but something very strong is stopping me and I don't know what it is. Yeah, he gave me his word that this was all going to end, but I know the expression "Once a cheater...". IF I decide to try to make this work and succeed the first step by stopping the overnight stays, is there any possible way to regain trust where he will still see the women he was with for the rest of his life???? If so, how? He is the father to my son and we have become such a wonderful family, it actually looks fake to the outside world, but it's all real. Some one out there has to know the true answer to my question...PLEASE, I don't want to lose my family if there's a way not to.
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affair, cousin, engaged, fell in love, fiance, grandmother, his ex, moved in, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): OK so this guy is perhaps not the absolute best man in the world but he seems to have quite a bit going for him or at least you seemed to think so at one point. He does also seem to treat being a father as a serious obligation. He lied and cheated but it started with him cheating with you rather than on you.You need to make a decision as to whether your life is going to be a little screwed up by having a husband who is away one night a week with his previous girlfriend and his daughter (at least you know where he is) or whether your son is going to have a life that is totally screwed up by growing up without a Daddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk Older Sister, I know the true answer in my heart is that there is a 90% this won't change and I know I deserve better. It just hurts to come to that revelation and admit out loud what I have isn't anything close to what I thought I had. I am about to lose my family and it just started. I truly have never met anyone like him and just thought after 31 years I finally found my soul-mate. I don't know who else here can relate to this kind of pain, but I'm sure that there are a few. I now have to finish the job that he started of breaking up my family. It really feels like someone I love is dieing.
Well, at least this is good for my diet, lol, I haven't been able to eat a thing since Wednesday night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is no way in the world I could accept the fact that he is sleeping with both of us. I would never disrespect him like that and I truly expect the same respect NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN PROMISED TO ME. I know our relationship started in a despicable way, but it didn't feel that way at the time. Once we had sex, I never slept with MY fiance again, and we were together for another 3 months. I can't in good conscience be that way. I understood he was most likely keeping his same sexual relationship with her before he moved out, but in my head this was a unique situation and we MEANT it when we agreed to be faithful. As I said, he admitted he was doing this out of selfishness so no-one else would be in his daughter's life. he said he knew he had to let his ex go completely if we were to move on. So IF this is true and he REALLY DOES let her go (and I know the change has been made) how do I start to forgive? If I'm not convinced, I will break up my family. I believe, as should every woman, I deserve better. I think deep down inside, I was hoping for someone to tell me that now that he's been caught and has seen the tremendous amount of pain in my eyes that he has caused when I look at him, that he would stop being selfish and do the right thing, but I guess men just aren't like that....
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (30 August 2008):
 As i understand it, he was with her first, he cheated on her with you and at that time told you that he would never leave her. Now he spends 6 nights a week with you and your son and 1 night a week with his daughter and the woman he loved for 6 years and told you he would never leave. Its somewhat unconventional but it seems that all things considered you are coming out on top vis a vis the other woman.
I know that from a woman's perspective it simply looks selfish and of course men will have their cake and eat it too, if they can get away with it. However, many men genuinely have no difficulty in having feelings of love towards more than one woman although this is generally taboo in western societies today. He signalled pretty clearly early on that he had residual feelings for the woman that he loved for 6 years.
It seems to me that, yes it is a screwed up situation but he is trying to be a good father to both his children. How much better for his daughter to see some kind of love between her parents instead of either not seeing her father at all or seeing her parents at war.
If you can find it in your heart to look beyond the conventional and allow the situation to continue then I don't see why all five of you can't be happy. A number of bonuses for you a) he will love you dearly because he will understand what you have done for him b) he is highly unlikely ever to cheat on you with anyone else - he wouldn't have the time, the energy and he has way too much to lose c) should you ever do anything wrong then you pretty much have a get out of jail free card.
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