A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this is gonna be a long one, it's greatly appreciated if any insight can be made for this train wreck of a situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now, I'm an electrical engineering student with less than a month to go before I get my diploma I've been striving for 5 years now to get. She graduated last year to be an EA for special needs and has been working for the past year making good money. Our relationship began like most: loving bliss an better yet, I found a beautiful girl to call my best friend for the last 2 years. If this was still true, I would be asking a very different question on here like how should I propose to her when I get the money. All has not been well however, this is not a one sided story, There are many faults we are both accountable for. To give a little background, being Canadian, I am a cannabis smoker and have been for 3 years now, my girlfriend while not as frequently, has been for longer. I established probably the second date that I did which she was more than fine with. I rarely drink, don't smoke cigs or drink coffee. She is the same. Now to the problem, we are now on the rocks because A) this past November she found on Netflix a couple racy comedies movies I watched while stoned one night, something I will live to regret, that coupled with the fact within a week of that her parents find out she smokes, and then proceeded to give her the worst guilt trip of her life. This poor girl does everything for them basically upkeeping the family farm by herself with her grandpa without help from her lazy brothers. she does one thing they don't approve of and they rip her a new one for it. It was not pretty It just gets worse from there. So she stops smoking and now has a huge thing against it. So now here is the situation, she is beautiful but insecure about her image, projecting it as hate to any scantily clad women on the tv movies and everywhere. It's become next to impossible to watch anything with her anymore with her constantly check to see if I'm looking at a girl on screen. Example last year we played a game of what celebrity do we think is good looking I had said Amy Adams just cause I had to answer and now I can't watch anything with her in it, it was a terrible situation when my parents invited us to watch the fighter :where she plays a bartender. Not only that but she isn't even comfortable with me Associating with other girls unless she's absolutely sure they are not a threat.She hates when I get stoned now because she feels I might repeat what I did before, even though I've repeatedly explained to her the guilt I feel would keep me from ever watching stuff like that again. Unfortunately with my schooling come alot of stress and cannabis is the only thing that calms my nerves. So I stupidly smoke when I'm stressed at my student house and don't tell her. This is were it gets bad, start of march a co worker gives her a dimebag for taking a shift and she decides to ask me if I've picked up Any myself, i said no, and without blinking she snatches my phone looks through the messages and sees my dealers number. Now, she says she has lost most of her trust in me, and has since been very distant towards me, she will snap at me at the drop of a hat, will constantly rub the Netflix incident in my face and is just overall depressed, it's a crime against the world to have someone as nice as her be so depressed and as such I'm a depressed mess myself, I've since given up cannabis in hopes of salvaging this, but all the signs are pointing to break up: she's had the pre breakup "deep Convo" with one of her guy friend and now she has a my way or the highway attitude. not to mention getting angry at me for not being a handyman like most guys she knows, including her previous best friend who she not so subtly compares me to. I wasn't brought up as a handy man, my strength lies in my imagination, she doesn't know this ( for fear of being ridiculed) but my dream is to join the ranks of great science fiction storytellers like Arthur c Clarke and Robert j Sawyer and my engineering is just a financial platform to get there. But even when I try to explain my robotics and electrical concepts just to prove my technical knowledge, she will tell me she doesn't get it and it's not a big deal since I've had 5 years to learn it. I ask her what is stopping her from actually breaking up with me and she says she doesn't want to loose her best friend and she still loves me. But now I'm not even sure about anything anymore, I feel like I'm being kept in the dark about everything right now, and I have no one to talk to for fear of wrecking her reputation with my friends and family. I need help sorting this mess out, if not just to have someone hear my story in a non consequence way. She's currently at that previous best friends tearing up a carpet in his house or something, I know it's harmless and he is engaged, but it just makes me sad all day I can't live up to the image that the girl I love with all my heart wants. I feel like I've driven her to this state even though she says it's her fault too and it's not just me. I've made a total mess of this relationship and this couldn't be happening at a worse time where my final exams are coming up. Please, if you have a thing against cannabis Do not base your answer off of that. It's my one indulgence and weakness and do not need to hear that it's bad. So please any insight would help me so much in this particular low point of my life. Thank you very much to taking the time to read this
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Wow, don't be so hard on yourself...Your girlfriend doesn't sound like a happy person and that is not your fault. There's no crime in watching 'slightly racy comedies' and you shouldn't have to quit your one indulgence just because she has. It's not at all fair the way she is holding grudges (for such minor crimes - it's not like you've cheated on her or told any major lies repeatedly) and she's keeping scores to actually use against you whenever she wants to get her own way. Very controlling manipulative behaviour.Furthermore, it sounds like she doesn't appreciate you very much! You sound intelligent, hard working, patient, creative and sensitive. Lots of women would love such a man in their life..Unfortunately I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better for you. Sounds likely you are going to split from this relationship but please, keep the faith because in the long run this is going to be a very good thing for you.Someone else out there will appreciate you for what you are, someone you can be yourself with, share your dreams and not fear ridicule, and this someone wont unfairly compare you to someone else who she then goes and spends lots of time with.If you were strong and brave enough, you should walk away from this unhappy woman at once and start picking up the pieces of your life. Concentrate on your studies and believe me true love is in your future. This is not it!Good luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 I only have one thing to say about your weed-smoking habit, and that is that you are an addict. You only smoke when stressed out you said, and that does happen often. That is an excuse. You smoke regularly, and you sound as you have gotten addicted. It will make you dumb. I've seen what that does to your brains, it makes you dumb. So, for your own healths sake, try to stop, or at least cut it back and keep it under control. In addition it will cost you money, and could land you in debt. I'm not saying this to act like a mother to you, but to hopefully make you aware that you don't get to ignore this part of yourself and brush it under the carpet as a small bother. It's a big deal for YOU. Not for your relationship, but for you, your future and your health. Take care of that for your own sake. If you don't care, then neither shall anyone else. But it does make you dumb. Now to your main worries, the relationship. I remember your story, and you might remember my previous answer as well. That answer still stands. While you love this girl, and yes she could be a wonderful person, she is also insecure and controlling. You do realize just how abnormal it is when you are not allowed to watch certain movies because of a certain actress? It's beyond her petty insecurities by far at that point, and way into the land of controlling personality. There is no reason why you should have allowed that. Or even allowed the game where you mention a pretty actress. Knowing her, you shouldn't have played that game, as she used it against you. However, it only shows how long this controlling has been going on. In the lack of a better word, you have been whipped. It hasn't gone as far as her physically abusing you, or as far as it causing depression on you, so I will hesitate with calling it abusive. But it is controlling without a doubt. And the only reason you agree to not watching movies with a certain actress in them (and I am sure the list of actresses will grow whenever she feels like adding on to it), or certain movies for that matter (the Netflix ones) is because she has been working at manipulating you for these last 2 years. You being under her influence and manipulation does NOT mean the same as you loving her. So answer this: do you feel guilty for watching those movies because a) you love her, or b) she told you not to?Then answer this question: in a relationship, does one person get to decide what the other watches? Next question: when you imagine your dream relationship, is this it?You might be every girls dream man. Creative, kind, free spirited, loving, caring, devoted, you can continue the list. But instead of being PROUD of who you are, your girlfriend PUTS YOU DOWN. Do you understand that? She talks you down. So much in fact, that you can not share your passion with her, your dreams of writing, your imagination and creativity, your skills. You keep who you are hidden from her, because you are... what? Afraid that she will take a dump on it? Do you think she will do that? You will know what you should do when you answer this last question: when you tell her about your imagination, and your dreams to write, will she a) ridicule you, b) be fascinated, listen, and want to hear more, as well as encourage you? Which option would you prefer in a relationship? Just between me and you, I am also a person who's strength lies in imagination. I love to draw, write, and be creative, I make stories all the time. What I want most of all is to have someone who wants to listen to my stories, who is fascinated by them. Someone who asks to see my work, and is proud of me for it. I have that in my boyfriend, and I am so happy because of that. Several of my ex'es were also proud of me for my imagination and creativity. But I had this one ex, the most recent one, who just didn't give a crap. He wouldn't take an interest in any of it, he didn't make fun of it, but he sort of ignored it. It was like he ignored me, because that creative side of me is such a big part of who I am. If a man can't appreciate that side of me, or enjoy that side of me, then he is not for me. That is what I learned. To ignore that side of me is to ignore ME. If a man will not love that side of me, then he does not love ME, but an idea of me. But not who I truly am. I feel the same might be for you. If a woman can not love you for who you truly are, especially for your strongest side (your imagination), then... does she really love you? Or does she love an idea of you, a person you are not?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Wow. Sounds like she needs to do a lot of growing up. A) She needs to divorce her parents, B) people need to ease up about porn - after all, she wasn't there and you got horny -- I honestly don't see what the big fuss is ever about, and C) She seems very controlling. The issues are not whether or not there is hope for you, but rather if this is the person you want to be using your energy on. I think people use the words "best friend" far too casually. Perhaps you do have something special, but she really needs to grow up, by the sounds of it.
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