| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hung out with this guy a few weeks ago and we had really hit it off. To make a long story very short, it started off sweet but within three days we were getting really physical, and I was afraid he was planning on just using me for sex. I got nervous, and playfully hinted that I wanted to date him (Big no-no, I know, but I was getting a bit scared about previous relationship mishaps, and all I really wanted to know was whether or not he even considered it). I found out that he was just coming off of a 2 year relationship where he was the one dumped, and he wasn't looking for a relationship right away.I made the dumb mistake of having sex with him anyway, fully knowing he didn't want a commitment right away, but hoping spending time together would change his mind eventually. While it may be the cause for my current predicament, I don't resent or regret having sex with him. I enjoyed it.Unfortunately it wasn't so clean cut as 'oops we did it'. I found out later from our mutual friend that I was probably only the second or third girl he had ever kissed, let alone had sex with.While according to the mutual (guy) friend, while he had apparently really, really enjoyed the experience, it seems he was scared by it, and on top of that there was the boyfriend word mentioned. I probably terrified him away.He still talks to me, but he is exceptionally distant. He has recently stopped texting me, the last text being about a week ago asking me to hang out this past weekend with him and a friend from home. That never did happen.I have been giving him space ever since the sex incident, not texting him first and letting him set the pace. However, he hasn't been setting ANY pace. I'm wondering if I should re-initiate contact or keep giving him room.We see each other in person a lot and he still smiles and makes small talk. According to his friends he's been busy with work and school, and while he's still talking to other girls nothing seems serious.I would very much like to date him still, but at the same time I don't want to grasp at something that's not there.Is there any chance that initial spark can be rekindled and we can start over at a slower pace? Should I try talking to him about it or wait it out a bit longer? (It's been roughly 2 weeks of bare minimal contact)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Oh! And don't talk about him with his friends anymore... mutual or not. That shows you are still interested in dating and it gets back to him... trust me.
A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (7 October 2009):
I think Ask oldersister said it perfectly. If you were to speak to him again anytime soon about this "issue", I would do it exactly as she has advised.
However you can also communicate the same things by carrying on as friends and saying nothing. I would be inclined to think that is better advice.
Show him through your behaviour that you want nothing more, unless he brings it up again. Or casually mention it when you are already together, but perhaps temporarily separated from the mutual friends you are “hanging out” with.
If I were him (with his awkward feelings) and you called to ask me for coffee that would enough to ensure no spark was ever rekindled.
Whatever you choose to do, the bottom line is that it is unlikely you can do anything to rekindle any spark. It MAY be rekindled on its own after space and time, but your mind should be clear in the knowledge that whatever you had is now over... at least for now, and certainly out of your hands.
And q1605 ~ I agree. Women gain a lot when in a casual sex “relationship”, too. As long a all parties are legal, mature enough to handle the possible consequences of sexual activity and do all they can to protect themselves and their "partner" against contracting STDs and becoming pregnant, and everyone understands this IS casual with NO strings attached, such arrangements can be very rewarding for everyone involved. Did someone say it was a bad thing?
Its unfortunate when people (it can be a man who does this, too) develop feelings which are unreciprocated, but not uncommon.
Good luck, anonymous!
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