Is there any chance of this situation turning positive?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships

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Question - (28 December 2010)

5 Answers - (Newest, 2 January 2011)

A male age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Dear all,

I am in dire need of advice, and I honestly never thought about posting on an online advice service before - I hope you will be able to provide me with some insight.

After a 2 and a half year-long hiatus (not self-imposed, just due to lack of opportunities) from dating, I randomly met a girl, 7 years my junior (I'm 25). We hit it off really well, and she even sent me emails while she was on vacation in the 2 weeks immediately following our first meeting. Upon her return, we found ourselves talking for hours, well into the night, almost every day - and so we decided to meet again a week later (this was August). Give or take a couple weeks and we decided to try it out, even though we lived 100 miles apart. I went up there at least once a month, for a weekend each time, until November. She wrote me texts every day, and I replied to them as it was incredibly pleasant that she placed me so high on her priority list.

Cut to mid-november. One day she asks me if we can take a break, as life is getting difficult for her, and parental and school pressures are burdening her, and she wants all the conditions to be right for us being together. I agree to the break, without making a scene but saying that I care about her - and yet, 5 hours later, she takes a step back and decides to get back together as she doesn't want to lose me. I agree, as I was pretty much in love by then.

One week goes by rather normally, but the following Sunday, she tells me that the situation is once again unbearable - we exchange 3 texts during that day, it seems fine, but she seems a bit concerned about her situation. I stick by her, and through the following week her contacts dwindle. She goes on a retreat for a week, and I try to keep in touch, but the contact happens every 2 days, and she always sounds like she's in a bad mood.

Beginning of december... I go there as I had planned, and she breaks up with me. She says she feels the thing is getting dragged along, and that I'm too nice and attentive, and it's driving her nuts. I still gave her the Christmas present I had prepared for her, and managed to go to her house the next day, had lunch with her, and asked her to please think about it.

The following two weeks were quite odd. I got sick, and went to hospital, and one day when she couldn't get a hold of me, she called my phone 10-15 times - but I couldn't reply. When I got a hold of her the next time I was able to grab my phone, she listened to me for about an hour, and I outlined the situation and how i felt to her. She said she would put thought into it, but that she doesn't see it happening. I try to keep in touch, she writes a message asking how i am every 2 days or so.. and whenever we chat online, she is just quite dismissive, even though we had a couple of good afternoon chats in the meantime.

Christmas comes around, I had to spend it alone as the plans I had made with her aren't happening. I wait until 8pm to send wishes, she replies, and I ask her if we can talk. We talk on the 26th (2 days ago) via phone, and she writes me that she is going to be on skype in the afternoon - but i never got the message, so I couldn't get a hold of her. Yesterday, the 27th, I was at the doctor's office, and I wrote her a note telling her I would have liked to talk. She told me she'd be on skype as she was fixing her room.

I get on skype, and we get talking. What I got from the conversation is the following:

1) she feels my trying to keep in daily contact is obsessive and burdening to her, because she knows she has my heart, and it is a big weight on her shoulders (mind you, she initiated the 5-texts a day routine); whereas if we don't talk for a while, I come to mind, and she thinks nice things, but just not enough to get in touch. She still thinks about our relationship as a nice thing, but a "closed chapter".

2) she feels that with the way she thinks right now (not wanting a relationship because of what it entails, and not wanting one with me because of the attention) we are incompatible, so, even though she's thinking about it because she promised me she would, she doesn't think she will look back, as she only looks forward.

3) "not wanting to lose me" has now become "we can talk sometimes, i can ask how things are going, how your health is, we can talk about what you like"

4) if she finds someone, and he's like me, she'll avoid a relationship altogether as she needs more "cruelty" in her life than that - and besides, she plans not to get attached for a while - but if stuff happens which doesn't require love to happen, she'll take it even though she doesn't miss or crave it (read: making out or more).

5) She's planning to keep the "friendship" because she promised me.

6) Earlier during the week, she also said she intended on keeping her word about coming to visit me at some point, as I was always the one going to see her - to make things easier with her parents, who have met me and liked me - that, yesterday, turned into "I will do it, but just because I promised"

7) "I have many people in my life surrounding me, and you are not the first one who comes to mind" was one of the statements.

8) I got her a rather elaborate present for Christmas, which she hasn't opened yet (we'd talked about opening it together, as it is quite meaningful) - she said she doesn't know why she hasn't opened it yet.

My question for you now is - what do you think I can do to handle this situation? I am obviously still in love with this person, the change was so radical and sudden that 3 weeks after the breakup and a month after things started being weird I am still finding myself aching for contact with her - daily at that.

Also - do you think there are any (at all) chances of the situation turning to the positive side? I care for her deeply, and honestly, knowing myself, I do not think there will be many chances for me falling out of love with her anytime soon.

I would really appreciate comments from men and women alike - to get a broader spectrum of opinions.

Thanking you in advance for your responses, I wish you a happy belated Christmas and a happy beginning of the new year.

- R.

View related questions: a break, christmas, get back together, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011):

I fully recommend moving on. I have been in a situation like this and the more I tried to hold onto it, the more the other person went away. Life is not fair and there may not be any logic as to why she is doing this, but you cannot torture yourself. Stay strong and look for someone who will add to your life....not drive you crazy with their indecisiveness and confused emotions. I realized that there is absolutely no way to figure out why people do what they do so just accept it and find other things to keep you busy and make you happy.