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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my husband 6 years, married for 3. Throughout that time I've constantly been aware of his lack of motivation but I love him and I married him anyway.Five years ago, he took a really low paid job (just because it was the first one he could get) in order to move closer to me. It was only ever supposed to be a temporary thing (we both agreed it doesn't provide a living wage), just to see him into a flat share near enough to see each other more often. We live in a big city and we both talked about him getting a decent job sooner rather than later.Anyway, 5 years later, he's still in the same job. Earlier in the relationship I'd ask him if he was looking for other jobs and he'd always reply 'yes, of course! I hate my job.' I've always thought the recession was playing a part in him not finding anything else but about a year ago, I found out that he's not been looking. When I asked him why he said he was shy of job interviews. I told him to go to the doctors and get counseling/anti-anxiety medication which he agreed to but didn't do. So things got nastier and I accused him of being lazy and he admitted it to be true. I deal with all the finances, paying the bills, etc because he 'doesn't know how to'. We've had problems conceiving a child; unfortunately the treatment I need is not covered by the NHS and I am paying thousands of pounds in private medical fees out of my wage alone. I've begged him to motivate himself for the sake of the baby if nothing else and he keeps agreeing but doing nothing. He freely admits that he's never had to work for anything because he family have always looked after him. My family on the other hand have always struggled for money and instilled a strong work ethic in me because of that.Every 2 - 3 months, I tackle him again about jobs and he admits to not bothering to even look. At those points, I stand over him and make him apply for jobs. (I know that's awfully damaging to our marriage but I'm at my wit's end) This morning was one of those times. I told him very bluntly that we were refused a mortgage on the house we want because his wage was too low and insisted he apply for jobs. He told me not to stand over him so I went away. Then I started receiving emails confirming the jobs he was applying for and found he hadn't even bothered to change his covering letter, so he was applying for £30k a year admin jobs with the wrong date on his covering letter!!! I hit the roof and in the heat of the moment, took off my wedding rings and told him I wanted a divorce. I said I'd be financially and mentally better off on my own and I wanted him out of my sight. I called him a lying b*****d and other really hurtful names - I am ashamed. I feel terrible because I love him and as a Christian, I don't believe in divorce; however, I also think I'm in the right. How does he expect to buy a home and support a baby if he won't leave his crappy job? These arguments have done so much damage to our relationship and I don't want to nag him but how else can I fix this? I can't do it all on my own. Apart from his laziness, he is a wonderful loving and kind man but this is making me hate him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Write a CV with him.Apply for jobs with him.Pick him up at work and take him to interviews if you have to, then drop him back off at work afterwards.Don't use Fear, Consequences or punishments as motivators as they will only serve as reasons for him not to bother trying.Use positive things or possible outcomes as motivators, No not sex or time off chores. Keep them lifestyle and job related.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2011):
 To OP
I wasn't shouting, just emphasizing. If I was shouting (and I am not really one to shout) it would be all caps.
And I sorry you didn't like what I said, it was just my opinion based on what you wrote.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2011):
To OP
I wasn't shouting, just emphasizing. If I was shouting (and I am not really one to shout) it would be all caps.
And I sorry you didn't like what I said, it was just my opinion based on what you wrote.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): I thought I was lazy!!! Your husband takes it to a new level. This guy is going to be a great father, but does nothing to change his admittedly hated employment situation and won't even learn how to help with the household finances? I find that difficult to believe.
Even at 20 years old (34 now) I knew I didn't want to have kids because I was realistic about my want to put in the 24/7, 100% effort that it takes to raise a child. I paid my own college, car, house, and work a solid 40/week job that pays all the bills and still have a few hundred left over each month. I am not saying this to make me look good, or your husband look bad.....everyone has weak spots and lazy points, but his seem to go to far.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): "I stand over him and make him apply for jobs"...OK, You're not going to like this... but you need to understand that your actions are mimicking those of a wife of an alcoholic (not that this is at all the same, but bear with me on this...). His activities are getting under your skin, to the point where you're doing crazy things to him, and it's likely taking a toll on you (that's the comparison... the lazy guy isn't changing, the spouse is going nuts...) Since divorce is out of the question, you need to go get some individual help to learn how to give him the dignity to live his life the way he's going to. He'll change when he's ready. (Just like an alcoholic). Your only hope for the both of you is to learn how to live with him w/o you loosing your sense of self. A few other items:"I've begged him to motivate himself for the sake of the baby if nothing else and he keeps agreeing but doing nothing."Ok, so he just said he's not going to do it for you, not going to do it for himself (you're in serious trouble, FYI) and not for your unborn/un-conceived child. Why are you having a child with this man-child? You're pouring fuel on the fire, and it's NOT going to make him change."He freely admits that he's never had to work for anything because he family have always looked after him" - then send him home to his parents, and let them continue to take care of him. You're wasting your life on this man-child, and it's making you CRAZY! Do you not see that doing what you're doing is NOT rational? Rational people do not stand over another adult and force them to apply for jobs. If you really want to do something positive, kick him out of the house, tell him that you need 3 months apart and that if he has even a hope in hell that you're going to consider getting back together with him that you'd better see some serious changes. How F'ing hard is it to learn to pay a bill?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): I agree with Honeypie, Its hopeless, this is how he is. The faster you get out of this marriage the better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDue to a recent response, I feel compelled to add:
Yes, I truly believe my husband would make a wonderful father. He would be very interested in the baby. As stated in my original post, he is a wonderful and loving man and totally committed to his family. I also have to disregard the comment made that 'he feels like no matter what, (I) will not be pleased' as aside from this issue, our marriage is great and we show our love and appreciation for each other on a daily basis.
As for the comment 'I think you both could use some help, marriage counseling and YOU need to stop being verbally abusive. If he is NOT the man you want, find one WHO is. You can not mold this one.' - Yes, I shouldn't have said such things and yes, maybe conseling would be a good idea but as stated before divorce is not an option we would consider (him too). Finally, I do not expect to bare my battered soul and GET SHOUTED AT - it's just rude. All those with a genuine desire to help please continue to respond as it is very much appreciated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): You don't. You accept him the way he is or trade up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2011):
It seems to me he is acting like a child and you his mom. You really think he would make a good dad, being this uninterested in helping out?
You knew going into it how he was. People don't "just" change because others want them too, THEY have to want to change and honestly I think your man sees no reason to change, even if it would meant making you happy. Maybe because he feels like no matter what, you will not be pleased? Or because he truly is THAT lazy and have no ambitions.
I think you both could use some help, marriage counseling and YOU need to stop being verbally abusive.
If he is NOT the man you want, find one WHO is. You can not mold this one.
I would 100% put the trying for a baby on hold, til the two of you are more sorted out.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (26 March 2011):
 Hello, having infertility treatment can be incredibly stressful (I write from recent experience). I can really relate to your situation because I feel I have to push my husband to finish his part-time degree and find a better job. I think there comes a point where you have got to accept that horses can be led to water but not made to drink...so you have got to do the drinking for them! By this I mean that if you want him to get a better job, then you are going to have to become his personal recruitment assistant and apply for those jobs on his behalf. This is pretty much what I am doing for my husband right now - updating his CV, identifying new jobs and applying in his name. Then when he gets a reply indicating interview then I am preparing him with the background of the job and company as if he applied himself. It is almost like dealing with a delinquent teenager sometimes! I understand it is really frustrating - I am pregnant right now and it is high-risk so I should be on bed-rest, not job-hunting by proxy. But at the end of the day if you otherwise love and admire them then you just have to accept that your partner has shortcomings (pathological laziness in both our cases) and get on with the task that needs doing. Everyone hates job interviews - they can be ridiculous ways of determining who should get a job. However most people are anxious about them and sympathetic employers (i.e. the sort of people it is good to work for) understand that. If it is really affecting your marriage then you need to step in - frankly you pay the bills and do the household admin. already so this is just one step further.
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