A
female
age
41-50,
*elenz
writes:Hi everyone,I could really do with some advice! I was in a long distance relationship with a gorgeous guy, who I love so much. He is gorgeous and kind - I loved seeing him at the weekends, and trusted him.Well, a year ago, he got a new job so that we could move in with each other. Things were great. Shortly after we moved in however, I found a mobile in his pocket: I had never seen it before and it made me suspicious, so I looked at it. Suprise, suprise - it had texts (sample - 'goodness me - you're a great kisser!'), and long phone calls to a girl. He also had a birthday card from her, which he didn't hide. I was shocked and confronted him. It was a drunken kiss apparently, a 'big mistake and one off', and he was so sorry. Absolutely nothing else; he was telling me the whole truth. I could tell he was lying, though he kept up the story. I finally needed to get the truth: so told him that unless he stopped lying I would call the girl (whose number I had kept). He broke down and confessed to being signed up to a dating website for years, just never got round to unsubscribing. While we had been going out, he had ignored it apparently; only looking at it when someone emailed him out of the blue. He had gone a bit mad at the end of his time in London; and started dating a girl - to prove to himself that if we didn't work out (when 'you dump me' in his words) he could make it with someone else...Well I called the girl and she was shocked too. They had gone on eight or nine dates (he said 3), he had tried to sleep with her, though she had said no, and he had said that he wanted to keep on seeing her when he visited London.Despite this, I loved him so much. My whole future was planned for him and me, and emotionally I was already there with him. To not be with him was just misery.So, I forgave him - he was so sorry - and we set up home. A year later, it is still in my head. We haven't sorted it through...he tells me to 'get over it', but I cannot. I am so unhappy, and my confidence is zilch. I love him, yet I hate and resent him. I am jealous and hate his female friends. I check up on him and am obsessive. I think I should leave...but I will have lost so much and be left with nothing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I can understand how your feeling. My husband was also having and affair, which I found out about on his cell phone with text messages. If there where not two small children involved I would already be gone. He is a excellent father, and once your a parent I believe you need to think of your children first so we are trying to work it out, but I am making no promises. What concerns me is what you said "I am so unhappy and my confidence is zilch" Love and relationships are suppose to make us better people and improve are confidence not tear us down. You need to ask yourself some diffcult questions, like is he worth my self worth? Would you rather be happy alone or miserable with some one. Could you live the rest of your life feeling the way you feel? Good Luck in your decisions and healing process.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Im so sorry to here about what has happend. I can really understand your pain. I was with someone for five years then one day i just had a bad feeling he was not calling me as much and he was just being really short with me. One night he was one his way home and i was on the phone with and he said he would call me right back well one hour had gone by and no call so i call him and no answer so i went to his house to find another girls car there.
The stupid bitch was sitting in her car. They had just got done making out. one month prior i had found out i was going to have his kid. He did not know about the baby yet . I cant trust him i feel like i am ugly and yet the girl he cheated on me with looked like a monkey. well i hope your heart gets better i do know it takes time but if the love is true things will be ok.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I am not indifferent enough to believe that people are incapable of changing.We have seen time and again that people can do terrible things to someone they love and come to trully regret it and trully try to make amends, and often this keeps things working.So you have two choices.You can forgive him, and have mercy on him. Thus giving him the chance at redemption that everyone, even murderers, deserve. But do so under the condition that its because you love him that he gets a second chance and if he cheats again uses that up... its over.Or you can let your own hurt and hatred flow through your vains like poison.... Dump the man and drag his name through the mud to assuage your own hurt with a seething vengeance.A great man or wman will show mercy. Its hard and the most difficult of the two options... but sometimes you do indeed have to choose between what is Right and what is Easy in life.Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Buy a bit of computer software (downloadable) called Webwatcher which you install on your home (shared) pc. It is invisible and can not be detected. It creates a website for you and uploads info on websites visited and emails etc etc. Then you visit your website and see what he has been doing. Give yourself a timescale to check (say a month or two) and then remove it from the computer. You can also buy something called FollowUs, which is a way of tracking a mobile phone by satellite. You will have to register your phone to it, set your phone to silent and hide it in his car. You can’t use his phone. Then you will be able to see where he is on a map! Neither thing is expensive.This all sounds a bit bad but you have to know and short of blindly trusting I can’t see any way to convince yourself that he has changed without evidence. Now remember that if you look for things you will find them and you must be careful not to misinterpret what you find. Look for patterns not individual events and follow them up as you already have. If you truly say there is nothing, leave it for good and get some cognitive behavioural therapy. I have done this and it is helping me retrain my brain to be more positive and less angry/suspicious.Having been betrayed myself I can say that rebuilding trust is one of the hardest things to do. What he has done already would be enough to set a person back and very much so. Even if you end up with someone else you will carry this. That is what makes me more mad about cheaters than any other thing. It is what they take from people, in order to fulfil their own selfishness.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (29 January 2008):
 Your either going to have to trust him or leave. There's a chance he may cheat again but he may not. You know him better than any of us.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (29 January 2008):
I agree with collaroy.A relationship without trust is a relationship with no "spine".You are trying to convince yourself that it can work.We accept the fact that you love him but my dear,in a relationship,love is not enough.You'll end up depressing yourself coz one of the most important elements in a relationship is gone,TRUST.I know it's impossible to trust someone after they've cheated on you and that's what's happening.This man of yours is stereotype man,who's made it part of his nature to cheat.I also believe when your partner cheats,there are high chances he may do it again.I certainly would think twice about trusting him again if i were you.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Helenz +, writes (29 January 2008):
Helenz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice - is appreciated :-)
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (29 January 2008):
 Hi there,
Well he did make the effort to get a job closer to you so you could be together , so that at least demonstrates committment.
But unfortunately there is the fact that some guys just cannot help being cheaters, no matter how much they claim to love their partners ( I have a work colleague who is exactly like this - showers his wife with roses and chocolates and screws anything that moves ). You may very well have a man who is committed to you but who also likes to play the field.
I would tread very carefully, him telling you to "get over it" is rather insensitive. If it is weighing on your mind and he won't help you know what the only option is dont you? Judging by the sound of it and the way you are going I cant see you guys hanging on for much longer - a relationship is built of trust .
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