A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Nemo solus satis sapit...or two heads are better then one. That is one of favorite latin proverbs, and thats why today I am sending this letter/question out.First off, and I'll do my best to keep this short, altought certain insight is required when the question is not: "She doesnt like cheese stake subs and I love 'em what do I do????".Okay, I am 29yo, and I really feel like by now I should have certain things figured out and be more confident and whatever...but I dont, and thats how it is. All I have now is (some) more career stability and the means to afford better hobbies, but as far as realtionships go, well, I am as confused and shy as a when I was a teenager. One gets reminded of the first 10min of 'American Beauty'. ("...dont want to lie to her)The girl in question is the same age and has few long term realtionships behind her- I dont, but in last 10 years I must have lived in 8 different states. She is an only child, like me, is interesting, smart, pretty strong-willed and with great sense in humour. But, and I am pretty sure, is terribly insecure. We have been together for 8 months now, and although great when I am alone with her, she acts very irrationally when we are apart. A month in, after hanging out with my neighbour for couple of hours, she threw a complete fit that had me go to her place and breake up with her...but then she apologized, admitted to being out of the line, and i forgave her. Now, ten examples later, I dont know. I bought a motorcycle last spring, and over the summer got, well, about 80 miles worth, because she kept constantly drilling me how thats all I care, and then got her license promptly. The message is she doesnt mind me riding, she minds me riding without her, cause then I get 5 phone calls stating with 'we need to talk' and ending with the question if there was someone else. She is very supportive of me otherwise, and clearly feels deeply for me, but I am lost. I feel as if I have abandoned my friends; she tells me thats how all realtionships are, and you dont see your guy friends often..but I feel I dont see them at all. Once we bumped into a buddy of mine from work, she was in the car as I was getting in, and I didnt introduce her as I spoke to him for 2 minutes...well, let me just say, that we didnt have a pleasant dinner afterwards. The trick is, when she really steps out of line, she catches herself and quickly apologizes and back to normal. We dont live together, and after perticualry rough week (work and realtionship) I decided to spend three days at home (mostly Im at her place), needless to say, she called me next morning with 'I feel you are distancing yourself, and speaking coldly to me'. Perhaps, I was...She says its only normal that she wants to spend every minute with me, 'cause when you love someone there is no other place you'd rather be. But I feel like I need a timeout, a breake, something. Naturally, timeout is not in her vocabulary. Another thing that complicates all- I have lived here for 5 years she for little over a year. And she still doesnt know more-less anybody; and I have a life here. At first I thought its because she was new, but now I dont know, seeing that she is quite reserved and can be paradoxically (since she is liberal) high-brow in her dealing with people. She says its because woman dont make friends as easy as guys do. As everything in our realtionship-true, but...but...Do I leave? I care for her, and I'll admit, being the only child who lost his parents early, I havent experienced much of unreserved love and care from anyone, and its hard to turn my back. On the other hand, after 8 months, is she going to change, her disposition...I always lectured my friends that if there is an early problem it extremly rarely gets fixed, and people dont really change. When I look back I see so many good times, but also so many times talking to a friend or a neighbour and checking my watch. When confronted she says she lets me do whatever I want to, but thats not true. One more thing- 5 months in, because we got in a fight over my upcoming one day bike trip, she looked through my phone, while I was showering and found out that I was calling a girl friend, really, A FRIEND, late when she was away...I unwisely decided to keep it away from her knowing how can she be, and then (!)she used my phone to call her and inquire whats going on (my friend of many years hung up, nowdays we dont talk- and what also sucks is there is %5 truth there, because I did kind of believe that my friend did harbour some feelings for me but we went out on a single date years ago, and that was that, we dont talk anymore). I got mad and picked up and left, but started missing her, and she crying, and back together we were. Am I nuts, whats going on here? It got to the point that our sex isnt great either, mainly because I have hard time even initiating, and I hate to say it, but would rather have an old merried couple dinner with her. Sometimes its really good, though.Thanks for reading this long question. I dont even know what is it that I was asking- maybe, do I keep going? My favorite chick flick is 'four weddings and a funeral',because I felt it dealt with life, love and compromise. Life is not a scripted picture. She is supportive (in her own way, only when I am with her), she loves me, she is fun- but things dont come that easily for me. I need my space, if I move in with her I would eliminate lots of problems, but is that the answer?
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 I think the poor girl is lonely and insecure. Some women and myself included do act in these irrational ways when they are out. This is normally because the girl is jealous that you are talking to someone else and taking time away from her. They want only a one on one. Now I personally came a cropper by behaving like this. I too had very few friends, I did not cultivate them and depended solely on this one man for everything. He felt controlled but as I was very generous financially I felt I had the right to demand these things and constant attention. We lived together for a while but it did not last - he now will not speak to me full stop. If you love this girl because she is beautiful and makes you feel special because you have not had much love then you need to explain to her that these mood swings are not acceptable and convince her to stop. This will not be easy because once a woman has a bee in her bonnet about something it will go on and on and on until the woman feels it has been resolved to her entire satisfaction. I am still like this today but can feel the feeling rising in me and am able to quell it if I try ard enough. Tis was not possible when I was younger. She obviously really loves you and I think you should stick with her and give her more chances but explain to her when things are not acceptable to you. Someimes just a warning word from the man prior to anything that might initiate a 'kick off' can help. My boyfriend ued to say to me that this is likely to happen etc etc so please don't kick off and 'enough'. Sometimes this worked sometimes it infuriated me further. If this helps she will lose the aggressive streak when she gets older. If you love her give it a go but be prepard to be firm with her and put your foot down when necessary. She will respect you for this rather than being weak and being trampled on.
All the best,
A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (1 February 2008):
Wow mate it sounds as though she is insecure alright. From my experience and from what you are describing it sounds as though she thinks you are capable of cheating and in this situation it will drive her nuts thinking you are that she will eventually cheat if you don't. You need to set some boundaries in that 1 set a day a week where you do want you want to do for you Ie get on your bike and gun it down the highway, have a boys night out or in watching the footy having pizza playing poker drinking and likewise she should be doing something on this one night a week for her ie have a girls night out,or a girls night in run a warm bubble bath with a bottle of champagne followed by a good movie. If there is not compromise and space in a relationship then it will only stagnate. If you spend all your time together then you have nothing new or interesting to talk about. Reassure her that you love her NOT BY MOVING IN WITH HER but through other means ie give her a foot massage, run her a bath followed by a candlelit dinner at home followed by kissing her from head to toe.Spice it up a little if you are stagnating or not initiating. Mate I have got several kinky outfits, ie naughty nurse, tough cop, and lingerie. Try some choc strawberry body paint painted on each others body and very slowly licked and sucked off. But definitely mate don't move in until you have reached a fair compromise of time alone, time with friends and time together, provided that the time together means something. Her insecurity will soon pass once she realises and loves the whole person that you are and not part of you. Good luck mate. Let me know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (1 February 2008):
 QUANDO OMNI FLUNKUS MORITATUS
(when all else fails, play dead)
That's my advice to you. She wants to control you, own you, smother you. Play dead. Then run to the nearest strip bar and laugh at the other guy who shoots his load when he gets a lap dance. LOL. I love this site!
Seriously, you need to nip this one in the bud. She's a control freak and it won't get any better. Nip it. Nip it good.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (1 February 2008):
 I do not think this is a healthy relationship. When looking for someone you should always make sure they have friends, this shows you that they have the ability to have a life separate from your togetherness. Someone who does not have friends will rely on you for all everything. It is easy to make girlfriends, anywhere. Especially if you work or have hobbies.
I think you should not move in with this girl. You should tell her that you want to spend a minimum of two nights a week without her. One for your buddies and one for some quality alone time. If she can't abide by this then you need to seriously think about what kind of life you will have if you marry her.
This really is not good for either of you. It is a shame you can not enjoy your new motorcycle, too. She seems to have spoiled anything for you that doesn't include her. Kind of selfish if you ask me.
Seriously think about this.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Hi,
I feel like you post warrants a longer response but it looks to me like a simple case of a controlling personality.
If you think she's worth all the effort then fair enough, but you sure look like you got your work cut out for you, how long do you think you will be able to go on like this?
You said it yourself, if the problem arises early in the relationship she is unlikely to change, moreover, she will likely get more possessive as time goes on.
It's your call buddy, I don't envy you.
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