A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Help/ opinions will be really appreciated. Sorry for such an essay but I can't talk to anybody about this. I'm 22 and have always been with guys. Around 3 years ago I met *A now 20 we soon became best friends. Even though she was also 'straight' I had a feeling she liked me, we acted differently towards each other compared with other friends. One night about a year after meeting we drunkenly made out and have been secretly seeing each other since. I love her and I know she feels the same but neither of us see ourselves as being gay. Nobody knows the truth about us, there have been a couple of occasions where we have been questioned but have just shrugged it off. Neither of us see coming out as an option. I know that I eventually want to be with a man, get married and have kids. I am definitely attracted to men and this is how I see my future.We have discussed how there will come a time when we have to end it. I really do not know what I will do without her and definitely want to stay friends, I have never had a connection like this with anyone before and dont want to lose an amazing friend.Recently I have been questioning whether I am happy carrying on like this. Is there any point putting so much time into a relationship that I know is going nowhere? Its hard not being able to make plans for the future. At 22 I feel I'm ready to start settling down and don't want to run out of time. I've told her how I feel but she gets upset and I don't want to hurt her. I know this isn't her ideal situation either but think she could carry on this way forever. I wish the circumstances were different but have to be realistic about what I want. Should I just live for the moment and stay with the person who loves me and makes me happy even though I know something is missing?Am I naive to think we can continue to be best friends afterwards? I want her to be happy and eventually move on and see other people and know I could deal with this. Im just not sure whether she would be the same, she is naturally jealous. I really don't know how much longer we could keep it a secret, our friends already find it strange that neither of us date at all!!Is there any way this isn't going to end in tears?
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best friend, drunk, jealous, lesbian, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): Thanks all for the advise. To anon male; I have realised that I am bisexual but I am definitely not a lesbian. I love *A and I am attracted to her but I am also definitely attracted to men and have made the decision that I do want a heterosexual relationship in the long term. I may be closeted in the fact that I am not open about my lesbian relationship but I have no intention of coming out as I don't see it necessary to complicate things further when I do not see this as a long term thing. It's hard because she is already aware of how I feel and she feels the same but still wants to carry on.
A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 I really want to be able to tell you that this can end without tears, but darling it cant. How many and whos tears is what you need to think about now.If you are really sure that you dont want to spend the rest of your life, or atleast try, with this girl and that you want to be with a man then it is unfair on her and you to drag this out any longer.It is not fair to let her love you and get deeper feelings when you know you cant stay with her, which i would guess is what she would like.You need to tell her that as much as you care about her it isnt fair to carry on the way ypu are as this is not what you want for the future and it is time both of you had a chance to find what you really want for the long term.As for being friends, she is going to be mad with you for a bit after you tell her this and that is only fair and you should give her that right.What you said is true, when you have a new partener she may find it hard to be your friend as you said she does love you, you may also find it hard to see her with somebody else as you clearly have feeling for her, which will not just disappear, you may be able to stay friends in time but only time will tell for that.hope this helps some.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): "neither of us see ourselves as being gay"
"our friends already find it strange that neither of us date at all"
But, you do date, just in secret. Lots of people do and have done this, in plain sight, but it isn't recognized by us heterosexuals for what it is.
You are gay/lesbian, you are just closeted at this point. Do some reading, nothing to be ashamed of.
7 States, in the grand old homophobic USA, are legalizing or have legalized gay marriage, the US military is dropping it's prohibition, and by God, from this non-phobic heterosexuals point of view, it is about time.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (15 February 2012):
 In my experience 'secret' relationships are doomed from day 1.
The fact you cannot be honest about it, puts pressure on the relationship and that is what causes it to fail.
You have said a number of times you like men and want to be with a man, so why are you with this girl, if you do not find them sexually attractive?
If you honestly cannot see yourself in a lesbian relationship long term then you need to tell your friend so that she can move on. It is only prolonging the inevitable and not very fair.
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