A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sometimes my b/f just can't get an erection and I worry that over time, this problem will become much worse. He is on high b/p pills but in the 3 yrs. we've been together it's never caused a problem for him sexually. But we've been together now for 3 years and I worry he's just getting bored. Or he will the longer we are together. Up to this point, I would say he's been a wonderful man to be with, and I trust him completely. He's not into porn (not that I know of and if he does it's very rare when I'm gone to a meeting at night) and I know he's not seeing anyone else because we are always together. He's loving and affectionate with me otherwise but is this just a problem that I'm going to have face later in our relationship? He seems to think men just can't get erections as they get older but I really don't think this is always the case. But he did say something the other day that worried me. He said he thought prostitution should be legalized so there wouldn't be these weird perverts out there preying on 12-year-old girls and anytime a man wanted sex, he could have it - and it should be free. So I jokingly said, "It is free, it's called "A Relationship"..." Then he said, "Yeah, but it's always with the same woman..." Should I be worried about this comment?.....Is it inevitable that men get bored with their mates after awhile? I try to keep things interesting but I'm just one woman. I can't be 18 again. I can't be two women at once. I am pretty sexual in nature, so I'm not uptight and I'm open-minded as long as it doesn't involve a three-some. I just don't know what to do about the way I'm feeling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Hey there, Honey let me give you a reality check since no woman ever wants to face it. Men are like dogs they will desire to have sex with any okay woman they see or like but just for her kahoonas and puchhi nothing emotinal, what can we do, god had structured mens brains in their penises and we just have to work according to the brain so live with it or never get into a serious realtionship and thats flat out the best answer you can get after searching for the one that satisfies you but guess what there is no such answer that will satisfy or make you feel more secure because its a man's works and we just live in it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): My wife and I have never used sex as a tool to get something. (I realize that you did not suggest that.) We do it because we love each other and love the sex we have together. We are adventurous and do a lot of different things, so it is not boring. I have always found it hard to believe that I could possibly be a good lover, even though I am very confident with every other part of my life. Even though her and another gf made it clear that they thought that I was a very good lover.
Since I am over 60 now, my little friend has on occasion decided that he wants to rest instead of exercise. OK, no pressure from my wife. She is very happy to get him interested. If he doesn't then we just snuggle or I can do oral for her. I have taken ACE inhibitors for HBP for 20 years, so that should not be a problem. My occasional desire for an affair poped up just a few months ago, possibly because I figure it is my last chance. Neither of us can really understand why and we have talked about it. I'm not looking in any way and doubt if I would if the chance hit me in the face. It could easily be the same for him. Talking about things like that really helps my wife and I stay close. Of course, we have been together for almost 29 years and have rarely not talked about thoughts and problems. My wife is confident, like you, and has never had a desire for an affair. She was not always that confident, especially after her divorce 30 plus years ago.
His occasional ED is like mine. Don't allow yourself to think that it is because of you. My wife was the first to notice some lack of hardness a few months before I realized it. She also never mentioned it because it didn't mean anything to her. She only told me when I noticed an occasional problem a few months after she did. She just thought that it was a temporary thing, so she did not want to worry me about it if I didn't notice it. If it doesn't seem to bother your bf, then you are probably correct in not mentioning it to him. If it seems to bother him and he won't say anything, then it might be best to bring it up gently and reassure him that you are not bothered by it. He won't necessarly say anything if it bothers him though. He may be embarassed or afraid that you will reject him. I have never feared that, but I don't have a young partner of only 3 years.
My wife is the same age as me. It is probably more difficult for you since you are much younger than him and were not expecting something like this. Also, at 45, he is probably a bit younger than the average male when this starts. I'm not sure what the average is, but the Viagra FDA trials treated men with ED from early 20s to early 80s if I remember correctly. I can't find the report right now, but I did find that the median age was 55. Since these men had ED for some amount of years, the median age to get it is probably around 50 or so.
Send me a PM if you have any other questions. I've done a lot of reading on the ED thing since I saw the first possible signs. I will probably try 1 or 2 of the drugs sometime this year. My doc said to just let him know if I want to. Your bf should not be embarassed to ask his doc. There are millions of men using these drugs, but they should not be used if not needed. As with all drugs, they do have side effects. Good luck and have fun. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. Troubletoomuch, I especially appreciated your post. But you did say something that bothered me: "I have never been bored with my wife sexually, but still have had a desire for sex with someone else." I've always had a theory that if you have a good sex life, and don't use sex as a manipulative tool to get your way in other areas of the relationship, neither partner will desire someone else. Well, that blows my theory right out of the water. I never really thought about the confidence factor because I'm confident in bed, I don't need to go out proving myself to other men but since my b/f sometimes has trouble with the Little General, he may. I guess I won't pester him further about his comment but I will keep my ears and eyes open for awhile and see if his behavior warrants any other concerns. If so, I'll approach him for a discussion and see what happens. His ED seems to be fleeting at the moment, meaning most of the time he has no problems in that department. But when it decides to take a vacation, it kind of messes with my head. Thanks again for all your help!!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 I think I'd have to agree with the others that blood pressure meds could cause a problem. I'm on the too but so far, no problem. Check with that doctor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Yes, certain blood pressure medications can contribute to ED. Diuretics and beta blockers are 2 that are more likely to contribute to ED. ACE inhibitors and ARBs are 2 that only contributed to ED in 1% of patients. I forget what the others do. Also, if you look at the mens sexual health forum or the sexual dysfunction forum on healthboards.com, you will find men as young as early 20s that have signs of ED. It is not common for a man age 45, but it does happen. Other men are still fine in their 70s or 80s. It can be caused by hormone inbalance, high cholesterol, medications and other things.
That being said, I find his comment about getting prostitutes for free more troubling. I expect that most men, and probably women, at times have had a thought or desire for sexual excitement with someone else. It may be as simple as a fleeting thought for a movie star or some hot woman passed in the store. It may also be a longer lasting desire. Most men and women in a committed relationship will never act on that desire. Others will. I have no idea what the percentage is. Some people will talk to their partners about it and others won't. It sounds like he has this kind of desire. I have also at times, but have never even tried to act on it, as I have a great marriage. My wife knows about it and is not bothered by it, because I haven't made even the slightest attempt to cheat in 26 years. I have never been bored with my wife sexually, but still have had a desire for sex with someone else. For me, it is my lack of confidence that makes me want to know that someone else might want me. I suspect that a lot of men and women who cheat do it for that reason, assuming that sex with their partner is still good.
You should just discuss his comment with him. Ask him why he said that and if he desires sex with someone else. If he says that he does, then ask why and try to get him to understand it and tell you why. He may have a desire and not even know why. My wife and I discussed it a couple of times while out walking to get to the reason for my occasional desire and both concluded the same reason. We normally communicate very well and don't get angry when we have discussions about something like that or something that is bothering one of us about the others behavior.
The other thing is that he may be getting bored with your sex. I hope not after only 3 years. Perhaps he is going through a "grass is greener" phase. Perhaps it was just a fleeting thought, like "Wouldn't that be nice?" By the way, if he is afraid that he might be getting the first signs of ED, it could easily depress him and cause him to think of things that he otherwise wouldn't. He may think that this is his last chance to have some sexual excitement.
If there is a medical reason for his erection problem, there are things that can help. He could have his hormones checked. If they are out of whack then tests could be run to find the source. If his HBP med is one of those that can cause erectile problems then it should be changed to one that won't. There are also those various pills, like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. Hopefully he doesn't need those yet. He sould talk to his doctor about this problem, however I have read that most GPs don't understand hotmane balance very well, so a specialist is usually required. That has been discussed a lot on healthboards.com.
I hope that I have helped a little bit. Remember, talk to him about both his comment and his erectile problem. Be gentile about the erectile problem. Us guys can get depressed if our "little buddy" doesn't seem to like us anymore at times. :)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 February 2008):
 High blood pressure medications can cause ED so I'd say he needs to talk to his doctor there are medications that correct this problem. Then you go buy some sexy lingerie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's 45. What do you think is amiss DoubleM?...
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (12 February 2008):
Yes, men can get "bored" with the same partner over a period of time, usually more years than three, and that's why there is much talk and books about keeping things interesting. I'll admit that I become a little complacent about it with my ex-wife but it took a good 18 years or more. We spiced it up quite a bit quickly, but for other silly reasons, it ended at 20 years.
Of course, women can also become bored if a couple falls into doing the same things the same old way over many years. But there many different things a couple can do together sexually - everyone knows that, but if not adventurous and open to some of these because they are perceived as nasty, folks revert to monotony. Maybe Web sites like this one can help.
But my final thought here is that your relationship is very brief to be suffering that problem, and considering your age (you don't mention his), far too young to be experiencing erection problems if he is about the same age.
Me thinks something else is amiss.
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