A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is not so much a question, but more looking for perspective or feedback on what you think the underlying problems are with my life at the minute.I should on the grand scheme of things be content with my life, I am starting a new job next month and am currently unhappy in my one at the minute, so it's a fresh start. I'm living in a nice apartment with two other guys, my family love me and I have a very loving boyfriend, but no matter what I do, all I can think of is the negatives.I think the problem is that I've never had a very close knit group of friends. I have friends scattered about, but very few of them are considered close friends. I would say I have about three at most. I have battled with anxiety in social situations and in life since I was a child. I will sometimes feel fine for days and then suddenly out of nowhere I feel extremely sad and will sit on my own for hours in my room, evaluating my life.My boyfriend who I've been going out with for just over a year (friends for 2 yrs before) has kept saying he's worried about me and has noticed recent bouts of anger and sadness in me over the last couple of months in particular and said that my negativity is really affecting things with us at the moment but that he loves me and wants to make me happy. I am happy with him, but I think I am extremely jealous of him at the same time and the fact that he has an extremely close group of guy friends who he hangs out with a lot and who have been friends for about 12 yrs. I constantly feel like I am a loser and that he deserves to be with somehow better than me who can look after him instead of the other way around.I envy that I don't have the same kind of closeness with anyone and although our relationship is good, I feel like no matter what he does to make me happy, there is just something missing and he can't fix it. I feel upset writing this because he has been through a lot this past year, with his father passing away and he never talks about it and never opens up about things. I feel like I shouldn't be negative all the time and complain.I feel too embarrassed to admit that I feel alone and feel like I dont have very many friends when he has so many friends who love him and who all look out for each other. I wish I was more like him and this inner jealousy I have is making me resent my life so much more than if I were single and didn't have to let a boyfriend see that friendships are causing me so much grief.I really dread specific holidays like Halloween, New Year incase I have no plans and worry that I will tag along with my boyfriend and his friends because of my sad social situation. I get scraed making plans to see him incase he wants to do guy things instead, even though he doesnt give me reason to think that.I am worried that all of this is really taking control of my life because of my lack of esteem and most of all, I dont want to lose my boyfriend or become depressed. I have felt down for so many years and I dont know how to regain control.Is my behaviour/worries abnormal? Am I too negative? What should I do to make things better?I hope this isn't too long and I appreciate any responses given. Thanks.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 Your boyfriend has fired a warning shot. Your attitude is becoming toxic and he is worried for you. He loves you enough to be honest, so it is up to you now. You are right to sense that something is broken inside you. But coming here to unload is not enough. I strongly suggest you seek out a therapist/counselor to help you face the demons that threaten to ruin every relationship you value. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): Are you on psych meds? If not, do you have a low-cost means of getting a counselor and possibly on medication? I see you're from the UK, and I don't know anything about how your healthcare system works. It sounds like being down/anxious is possibly part of your make-up, a chemical imbalance you shouldn't feel bad about. If you are on meds, they may need to be adjusted.That's only part of the puzzle, a good therapist/counselor may want to talk to you about what's been going on and how you feel. I make a weekly itinerary for myself including things like eating/showering/time spent commuting to appointments etc. I also keep a journal where I just vent about what's going on. Later, I talk to my therapist about whether or not I went where I said I'd go and why not. I read my journal entries to my therapist and she helps me come up with thinking errors (like black and white thinking, minimizing problems, blaming someone else etc.) she helps me learn how to combat my thinking errors. I tell you this because that's what helps me. You are feeling lonely and jealous of your boyfriend and I would feel the same way. It's ahrd to make friends, I'm 34 and still sometimes have that problem. To the point where most of my friends are mentally ill or still using drugs and alcohol (I have been clean from pills since "09, weed since "11 and alcohol since "12). I keep ending up in one-sided friendships and I put all my energy into them, leaving next to nothing for me and my son.I told you all that because I understand where you're coming from. One way I started making friends is when I went to AA. A lot of people want to help me stay sober and they talk to me about their issues too. Friendships happen naturally, I think I was pushing too hard and maybe you're trying too hard to conpensate for shyness/fear of rejection. Just think of things you like doing or things you would like to try (reading - find a book club, find out when a coffee house has open mic; art/science/history - find low-cost or free museums you can visit; rock climbing/star gazing, if you live near a university, you may find groups like that). You won't befriend people immediately, but just let conversation come naturally. Stick with the women, once you see them/talk to them a lot/like what some of them say and you feel good around them? It wouldn't hurt to ask that person to hang out sometime. Some people will politely turn down an invitation but others may think it would be great to hang out. Those were just some thoughtsNickole
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