A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone!I am here to understand if I am getting insecure in this marriage and overthinking about the situations, or are these fears real and I should take them seriously?Lately, my husband has joined a new company. There are 3 girls in his team and he is the only boy. Now, the problem is that I would also have been working in the same company, but due to some health issues, I couldn't join along with him. Moreover, he asked me to relax and pay attention to my health as he would take care of the rest of the things. I have no doubt on his intentions, but I feel insecure when he talks about his other female colleagues about his personal life. He has not shown that he is married, in the company he works. This makes me more insecure. Moreover, he talked about a dress theme to me today, for Valentine's Day in his office. He said that he has to wear something in Black, where as the female co-workers would wear Red. He sounded excited, but this made me more upset.I am upset because it is my mother's death anniversary tomorrow, which he didn't talk about, but only replied when I reminded him about it. We will also complete one year of our marriage on 18th of this month, but I had to ask him about his plans to celebrate our first anniversary. Although, he may not take a leave from his office on that day as he is a new joinee. However, I feel extremely upset to see him going to the office everyday and share his conversations with his female co-workers, with me. I feel uneasy and uncomfortable, for which I am not able to understand my insecurity. I have been cheated in the past relationships, but now I am married to this guy. I am so scared to lose him to someone else. I can see that in his eyes somehow and I am not happy. He comes late at night from his office because of the duty hours and sleeps immediately. We don't even hug each other. I feel left out and depressed. I help him to get dressed and suggest him what he can wear till the office, but somehow I am not happy from inside. Could you all please help me to understand my husband? Am I thinking too much, and depressed? Or, is it my unnecessary insecurity? I know this man from last 3-4 years now. He has been good to me, just like everyone else. But this marriage makes me unhappy day by day! Tell me if I should talk to him, or not? I wish to celebrate my first anniversary, but he seems to go to the office that day. I feel left out. Please help me to gain myself again. I'll be grateful. TIA.
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anniversary, co-worker, depressed, insecure Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Hello dear woman
Appalling treatment by your so called husband.
You are not Ill in your head, just physically.
Perhaps think about leaving this man. He cheated on you - and he's kept the pic :(
God says that she wouldn't even let one get away with that once. Your husband is not suffering. You are and you will get more unwell. Get out and get better and you will. Z
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2019): Hi, I am the OP.Thanks for asking these questions. They indeed are relevant to my query. Over the past 3-4 years, have you had any cause to suspect your partner to be unfaithful? Is he flirtatious?I caught him cheating on me twice, during my relationship with him. For which he said sorry, and later gave up on that girl for me. Although, he is not in touch with her now, yet I found the same pictures on his laptop a few days ago. This made me more insecure, as to why has he not deleted those pictures yet. He is not a flirt, but he has a good sense of humour and make friends easily.The marriage makes you unhappy? Is it all his fault, or was he chosen for you?Both of us whole heartedly wanted to get married to each other. We both went against our families to get married, but he taunts me now and blames me for letting this marriage happen.What kind of personality does he have? Is he outgoing, charismatic, or like a lot of attention? Have you asked him why he hasn't notified anyone on his job that he's married? Does he wear his wedding band to work?He is exactly the personality what you quoted. I had a conversation with him about it, and he gave me a few reasons that I could understand, but not completely. He doesn't wear his wedding band to work.You live in India. Men get to treat women as they choose. Not much we can advise you about that.I very well understand where you come from, but can't help it being an Indian female. Also, I appreciate your advice to me. How did he get a job without indicating his marital-status on his job-application? It's necessary to know if you file for single-status or married to determine his tax deductions. Does he receive health or life insurance? They would also have to know who his beneficiaries are. So somehow word would get-out he's married.I am not very sure, how he made it happen in actual. He does receive health insurance. And, he said that he had shown me as one of the beneficiaries in his company, but as a friend and not his partner. And, thank you very much to make me understand that a liar can't hide things for long. I need to be optimistic about it.You applied for a job at the same place; you should know what his hours are. You could always ask. I actually know that he didn't lie on that part. I know he is being honest with his duty timings because he knows that I can find it out any day!Normally, is he romantic? Is he spontaneously affectionate?He used to be romantic and very affectionate, but he has changed a lot with time.Does he have to commute by train, or is it a long drive?No, it's not that far from our place. He still seems to sleep before me. We hardly talk to each other these days. He is not open for communication.If you don't mind me asking, what is the nature of your illness? Is it so severe you cannot work? Perhaps he doesn't want to disturb you if you're already in bed when he gets home.I have a fracture in my leg, but I can work as soon as I recover. I am not sure about his intentions yet as he hardly says anything to me. He would talk to me about his office at times, but that too only about other people, other girls.I'm going to take a big guess that all this is going through your mind, and you haven't said a word to him about it?That's true. I haven't said a word to him because I am scared to lose him. I do love him and I know he loves me too, but I am not sure what's going on these days with him.So normal intimacy and affection might be a little awkward.True that. Even otherwise, it's awkward. He sleeps after he comes home late at night. I tried talking to him and making love to him, but he didn't sound interested in anything. Could it be he picks-up on all this, and knows you're unhappy and suspicious?He does know about it.Please guide me if I need to stay in this marriage, or get away from him. We don't talk at all, when he is home. And, these days we aren't talking to each other. He remains busy with his phone anyway. I am the lonely depressed person, deprived of his love!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): Over the past 3-4 years, have you had any cause to suspect your partner to be unfaithful? Is he flirtatious?
The marriage makes you unhappy? Is it all his fault, or was he chosen for you?
What kind of personality does he have? Is he outgoing, charismatic, or like a lot of attention? Have you asked him why he hasn't notified anyone on his job that he's married? Does he wear his wedding band to work?
It doesn't make sense for a married-man to be excited about Valentines Day at work; when he doesn't do anything special for his wife. Men aren't particularly excited about V-day, anyway.
You live in India. Men get to treat women as they choose. Not much we can advise you about that.
How did he get a job without indicating his marital-status on his job-application? It's necessary to know if you file for single-status or married to determine his tax deductions. Does he receive health or life insurance? They would also have to know who his beneficiaries are. So somehow word would get-out he's married.
Give him a nice picture of yourself for his desk for starters, to remind him.
Ask him to meet you out for lunch on a day you're feeling up to it. Eventually there will be reason for him to introduce you to his employer or coworkers. Nosy females will find-out if he has a significant-other one-way or another. They're just as distrustful as you are.
Trust me my dear! He won't stay a mystery-man for too long. Aren't you forgetting in your culture, how it raises suspicion for a man approaching 30 to still be single? It's working more in your favor than you realize. Whatever questions he won't answer, they'll snoop into his personal-file to find-out. If he pretends to be single and they discover otherwise; word will spread like wildfire. If he works a late-shift, naturally he gets home late. You applied for a job at the same place; you should know what his hours are. You could always ask. You're his wife.
It is incidental that he has 3 female co-workers. Seriously, just because he has female co-workers, why should it mean they would want to date him or have an affair? What is the likelihood, or what are the odds he'd be working with other women? That's not really up to him. I talk about the people I work with. Gender doesn't matter. Talking about them doesn't mean I'm having an affair, or that I want to cheat.
You've got a lot of idle-time on your hands and a lot will go through your mind. Was your marriage arranged, or did you both choose each other? If your relationship has always been somewhat distant, marriage won't change that.
Normally, is he romantic? Is he spontaneously affectionate?
If he comes home late at night, I don't find it particularly unusual that he would be tired and want to sleep. Does he have to commute by train, or is it a long drive?
If you don't mind me asking, what is the nature of your illness? Is it so severe you cannot work? Perhaps he doesn't want to disturb you if you're already in bed when he gets home.
I'm going to take a big guess that all this is going through your mind, and you haven't said a word to him about it?
If you've been ill for a long time; it's a little hard to be very romantic with a person who isn't in the best of health. You can be affectionate; but you're not your sexiest when you're too sick to work. So normal intimacy and affection might be a little awkward.
You can actually ask for a hug. He's your husband, you can ask him for whatever you want. You've described yourself as insecure, depressed, uneasy, and unsure of your marriage. Could it be he picks-up on all this, and knows you're unhappy and suspicious? If he has been good to you; and you don't trust him, then it would stand to reason he isn't very affectionate to you.
It's hard to say one way or another when there are so many questions you need to answer first.
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