A
female
age
36-40,
*rmywife
writes:Me and my husband have been together for almost 7 years now, no children. In the beginning everything was wonderful, I trusted my husband with eveything I had. In my opinion our problems started when he went out with my cousin and a bunch of guys to a club. I was at work that night and after work I tried calling him. At first his phone would ring but then it went straight to his voicemail. I had no idea where he was or what was going on because he didn't tell me he was going out. I waited and waited for him to come home but he never did. It's about 3am and I drive to my cousins. I knocked on the door and of course my cuz let me in. My husband was so drunk sitting on the couch. It didn't do me good to talk to him. I was soo pissed! So I was just going to go home and leave him at my cuz house but I didn't want my husband to try and drive home drunk so I reAched into one of his pockets to try and get his car keys and he tried to stop me. Well I didn't pull out his keys, it was a piece of paper with a girls# on it. I was sooo shocked! I couldn't believe what I just pulled out of his pocket. I called the girl and she said they only danced and that he got her#, she also said she didn't know he was married. I had her on speaker phone and she told my husband to lose her #. So that's when everything started going down hill. My husband was distant. He never talked to me beforehand about any issues he felt we were having. I'm thinking everything is fine and dandy and it wasn't. Well now I'm going to try to make a long story short so just please please honestly tell me what u think. I was in the military at one point and my husband hated that. When I got out not long after my husband joined. We managed to get through the hard times but still had ups and downs. During his basic training everything was going great. He wrote and sent me flowers. I went to see him on a weekend pass and everything was wonderful. After ait training he came home, I was doing laundry and went to check the pockets of his acu's before throwing them in the washer and I found a letter. Of course there was no names because if it was found then the soldiers would get into major trouble. In a nutshell it said sorry they didn't get to hook up that past weekend and she did enjoy hooking up she just felt bad cause she knew he was married. Of course I just broke down. I confronted my husband and he said he was supposed to give it to some guy. I asked who but he wouldn't tell me. He just got silent. And wouldn't really talk about it. He said no matter what he said I wouldn't trust him. I found two phone numbers in his wallet. The two numbers were on the same piece of paper. I called both. One was a guy that was at basic w him the other was a girl that was also at basic. I guess they all got together on a weekend pass. Who knows. I never got in touch with that girl to ask her if she had an affair with my husband. I think I know who she is I found her on myspace but I don't know how to ask her. I don't wAnt her thinking I want to cause problems cause I don't I just want the truth. My husband says he didn't cheat but I really don't know what to believe. My husband had to train in Alabama for a month. Here I am again thinking everything is okay. during that entire month my husband tried calling me only once. I called his phone and left messages and asked him if eveything was okay but he never called. Well the guys were getting a pass and me and another soldiers wife drove together to Alabama to see our husbands. I left him messages telling him I was coming to see him but he never called. My friend met up w her husband and we were to meet up at a bar at a later time. Still no word from my husband. I went ahead to the bar while my friend and her husband did their thing. And there was my husband! At the bar drinking some beer w some fellow soldiers. I sat one seat down from him all that was between us was a man. He never noticed me come in. Well from what I could hear he sounded pretty lit. So I just got a beer and started drinking. They got up to go play some pool on the other side of the bar. after a few min I turned my head to try to see where he was and across the room he was standing there staring at me. I acted as if I didn't see him. I was shaking and my heart was still at the bottom of my stomach. He came over with one of his fellow soldiers. He said "hey what r u doing?" like no big deal. I played it cool. " nothing", I said. Just waiting for my friend and her husband to get here. He introduced me to his friend. My husband was Like hey man this is my wife. I shook the guys hand and he was like ur husbands phone is messed up I was like well... He knows my number he couldve borrowed someone elses phone. This pissed my husband of so he left the bar. The guys has to be back at bAse that night but me and my girl got a hotel and stayed the night. The next day I heard from another wife that her husband had to take care of mine because he was soooo drunk and got soo sick. She said my husband was asking where I was and if I was okay, she said he was telling her husband he was sorry and that he. Was being such an ass. They had to calm him down by telling him that I had got a hotel room for the night and I was fine. The remainder of time he was in Alabama he still never called. When his unit got back home from trAining he still never called, he didn't even come home for three days. He was staying at his cousins house and I guess they went out and got drunk that while weekend. I went over there to ask him what was going on and why was he avoiding me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. I went to grab his hand and he pulled away. I said ur not wearing ur wedding ring are u? He didn't say anything. So I struggled to pull his hand from underneath his leg and sure enough he didn't have his ring on. I just said if this is what u wanted why didn't you ever talk to me about it or tell me. He just shrugged his shoulders. I just walked out and left. That night I cried my self to sleep and just had soo many questions why this was happening. He never told me he was soo unhappy or wanted out. the next day I got home from work and when i opened the door there he was, asleep on the couch. When he woke up he walked over to where I was sitting and just wrapped his arms around me. He never said anything. He just sat there holding me in his arms. Within the next few weeks he would be deployed to Iraq and I had no clue what was going on. I told him if he didn't want to be with me anymore then he needed to tell me. He was going overseas soon so we needed to figure out what we were going to do. Over the next few weeks we worked things out and he said he didn't want a divorce and he wanted us to talk more and he wanted our marriage to work. Things so far have been good. He's in iraq now. We talk through emails and instant message. He rarely calls though. The last time we were instant messaging each other he told me he would call me the next day but he never did. It's been almost two weeks since we last talked and I don't know what to think. All the other wives talk to their husbands every other day so I just feel like he just doesn't want to call me or be with me for that matter. It's like he doesn't care. I told him I don't expect him to call me every day but at least if he can't call write me a letter. Is that to much to ask. I have compromised and always always been here for him. I've supported him through everything. I've always fought to keep this marriage together and try to make him happy. I feel like if I walked out the door he could care less. I told him if he didn't want this don't waste his time or mine. I also told him if he wants out not to worry about hurting me, it would take time but I would be okay if he did actually want a divorce. He said a divorce is not what he wanted. He never told me what happened or what was going on during all that craziness. I love him with all of my being. I think he loves me I just don't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He says he does but I guess maybe he's just fallen out of love with me. Idk... Not hearing from him in 2wks has got me thinking all these negative things and I just don't understand why he's not calling or writing. Everything was great before he left for Iraq. I don't want to go through all the drama anymore. I just wAnt to love, live life, and be happy and I want that with him. Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest so please tell me what u think. Do u think he is seeing someone else or do you think he just wants out if this marriage?
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affair, at work, cousin, divorce, drunk, flowers, military, myspace, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Armywife +, writes (20 December 2009):
Armywife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he finally sent an email and all it said was love ya I've been busy, and I'll call when I can. oh ya, he asked me what I've been up to. I'm somewhat releaved I guess I'm just unsure that we are going to make it. Thanks for the advice. Just have to wait and see
A
female
reader, Armywife +, writes (17 December 2009):
Armywife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband is an MP. I'm not planning on divorcing him..I just don't know why he hasn't called in two weeks. If our past wasn't so unstable I guess I wouldn't worry or question. We are not on the same page. I feel like somethings not right. He hasn't even checked his emails. No deaths. And all the other wives have been talking to their husbands on a regular basis. We was talking on a reg bases up until acouple weeks ago. We was even planning to go somewhere nice on his r&r. And then all of a sudden no calls no letters no emails... It just doesn't make sense. I would trust your fiancé, if it is really bothering you I think you guys should talk about it. I think if people are going to cheat then their going to cheat. It doesn't matter if their home or a million miles away. Please just talk to her about it and let her know how ur feeling. She will not know unless u tell her. And IF.... IF she cheats on you.....at least you know you talked with her before hand. And IF she cheats you will just have to cross that bridge when you get there.All I can say is just pray about everything, there are some things we just have no control over. Good luck! I'll keep u in my prayers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): He could have had an affair but he could also just be really depressed. It does sound like he hooked up at basic training. I was in a mixed company during basic several years ago when I enlisted before I accepted a commission and many of the recuits had sex during the passes. I didn't but I can't say what your husband did.
As far as during his recent training and deployment, I doubt he is having an affair now if he is in a combat arms unit (infantry, armor, combat engineer, ext..) There just aren't any women in those type of units. If he is in a mixed unit, he might have an chance but to me he mainly sounds depressed. He is pulling away from you but it may be due to the stress of the deployment. If you are planning on leaving him, I recommend you make sure that his command chain is aware so they can get him counseling, which I recommend either way. He doesn't seem to be mentally healthy right now and I have lost soldiers in my command that way. The ones I worry about the most are the ones that don't stay in contact with their loved ones in the States.
I am about to head out on another tour and I do feel the stress. I worry that my fiance will stay true to me. I am trying to trust her but before we got togther she cheated on her ex-husband. If I wasn't leaving for a year I wouldn't have any doubts but the seperation is what is causing me to worry.
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A
female
reader, Armywife +, writes (15 December 2009):
Armywife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice. I will def keep u posted when he calls, if he calls. He hasn't even called his family either. I'm trying to be patient and understanding but I would be lying if i said this wasn't driving me crazy. I know there is nothing I can do right now and I shouldn't worry cause it will not do me any good thinking about it just makes me sick to my stomach. I think that he did something but he would rather divorce me before admitting it. I just don't know
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