A
female
age
30-35,
*ollieMc
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship for about three of the four year relationship. I knew him much longer than we have been together, I would say approximately seven years in total now. He joined the navy about a year after we became a couple. It has been a struggle, but I know He is the man I want to, and plan to be with forever. We have had our fights, jealously, and over the phone mishaps. Although I believe it has only made us stronger.We Currently are engaged; as of February of 08. We would be married if it was not for my parents disapproval of my young age, and my fiance' for that matter. Therefor, I have chosen to wait to prove to my parents my fiance is not the scam artist they think he is. As I mentioned before, we have a great distance between us. So, I just recently arrived back to my home after visiting him before he left on deployment. The visit was nice for the most part. However staying with him did have it's flaws. It seemed everything I did was irritating to him. I had to do everything his exact way, I was not allowed to eat a piece of cheese unless I made a sandwich, I was not allowed to drink milk unless it was with cereal. He considered me "wasting it".Those are just two of many other strange rules and regulations he set. So in order to not upset him, I learned to do everything his way very quickly, and their was always something new that would anger him. And at that time I did everything possible to try to avoid getting spoken down to, or questioned why I did it this way vs that way. I would clean the whole apartment, making it spotless. I got no recognition. and I was OK with this, until he tells me i only do things to hear a "thank you" from him. Which I never do hear,therefore I didn't expect for him to say it.. I just thought it was very strange for him to say I only do things for him to hear a thank you. Which in reality I do things above average in order to not get scolded at if it was not right. I understand that living with someone can be bothersome if you are not aware of their habits, or routine. But I adapted to his, and I couldn't help but wonder, ... is he controlling, or does he have OCPD, which is obsessive compulsive personality disorder, unlike OCD, OCPD is were you want everything a certain way. The obsession with perfection, rules and organization. This is not my only problem, we have gone through periods (each at different times for us) where either he or I would wonder if we love too much (more than the love which is given to us). But those feelings usually do not last long, or we reassure each other that our love is equal. Or if it was me who was feeling this way he would tell me it will be different when we are finally together. But now, it is much different, and on a greater scale. Because we were together and it was worse. We always spoke about when i would visit him. He told me he would run up to me in the airport, hold me, and kiss me. But when it came down to it, . he was late, I had to sit outside and wait for him, and I did not even get a Hello, or a kiss. But I let it go because I thought he may have been shy in front of his friend who gave him a ride (and picked me up) Although I don't see why he would be shy, since I am his fiance'.While I was staying with him I got no affection. No kisses, no hugs, no hand holding, no sex. Unless I initiated it. And often I was told no. He was "tired." I rarely got a compliment. If I said he looked great, nice, etc, I would get an "I know" or if i was luck a "you too"He tells me he does not like kissing. But he used to, and when I was pregnant he kissed me all the time. He was so affectionate then. ... Sadly we had a miscarriage. So that does rule out an excuse of being busy with the baby as a reason to withhold affection from me. He was affectionate after the miscarriage also. It seems to have started from the day I arrived there, (to stay with him) it has been so different. When a day was good with him and I, something would always go wrong. He would say something, and I would get my feelings hurt. Or he wouldn't want to do something I would, and If he did decide to do whatever I wanted to do, ie, walk on the beach at night. He would make me regret it, or feel bad about it, so I could not even enjoy his company. Until I "got over it". As he also likes to say to me when I am upset.We did physically fight while I was there. And that worries me. And he said I deserved it. So I am wondering a bit if I did, but then I go back on my knowledge that a man should never hit a woman. I never punched him, maybe scratched and slapped. However i got punched, So I feel confused about the whole ordeal. I am a very small lady, and truly no threat towards him. If a man gets mad enough does he have the right to hit his significant other, or any woman, or should I consider him a future wife beater?I know of the saying "you learn what you live" and his mother was beaten by her husbands and boyfriends, and my fiance witnessed this as a small boy. SO I wonder, as much as he hated his mother being treated like that, .. did it rub off on him?But you should also know I have been diagnosed with depression since I have returned home, Although I would say I have had it for a bit over two years, and for the last two years I am more sensitive than usual. So I am wondering if everything I am thinking is "all in my head" ;as my fiance' likes to say about my depression, or if there is a problem with my relationship. Either way, I am trying to take that into consideration, yet I believe this is beyond my sensitivity, and I shouldn't be brain washed other wise, right?Currently I am home, and he has been deployed. We communicate through facebook messages and occasionally skype if he is able. Our facebook messages back and fourth are very loving, and sweet. Although when we do have the ability to get on skype (only twice so far) I am so excited, I wave at him, Smiling, etc. yet he is rarely looking at me, or even listening. He downloads music, and is involved with his surroundings, and or other websites, I feel like I get no attention when he should be Missing me! And he and I are never sure when we are able to talk, and I wish he would make the best of it. So of course I become saddened, and he tells me not to act like that. So I say the same to him, and he tells me "i wish you would let me be me" So I think he thinks I am asking for too much. Is he not charismatic, and was faking anytime he was caring toward me. He he is tired of acting. Are my parents right,.. Is he a "scam"?I just feel as if he does not realize I have feelings and he is the man I love more than anything, and he is no longer treating me as if he cares how I feel.Messages and letters are very nice, but as the saying goes, "actions speak louder than words" and his actions are not doing very well. I ask him why it is this way, and he asks what I'm talking about. I try to initiate the affection which i had been used to, and he tells me "I do not want to hold hands now," "You know I always hated kissing", Or just moans and groans when I ask to hug him or kiss him goodbye before he headed to work. He believes he may have anger management, and has told me about that probably two years ago, and also believes he may have OCPD, (as I also believe he may)But I wonder how much of the problem can be blamed on those two alone. I really just need advice, and any possible suggestions which could help.Thank you so so much! I apologize for the extensive letter, I just wanted any question which may have been needed for you to answer appropriately to be noted in my post beforehand. :} However, if you do need to ask, do so. Again, Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, loraemoon  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 please please get out while you can this is not a relationship! your parents are right sorry to say it. he is showing you nothing and your trying your hardest to get him to show you some love and affection but he wont,which is making you so miserable this is no way to go on, he is trying to rule you , trying to get you to do everything he wants but kicks up a big fuss if you want to do something. to be honest it doesent look like he does love you like he says he does i think he just wants someone there to lean on and bully, i think if you stay with him and get married this will all get worse you will be the bullied beaten wife that hides in her shell, this is what he wants ,dont let this happen,dont let him blame your depression, dont let him use an ocd as an excuse to the way hes treating you there is no excuse for him hitting you and putting you down to make you feel sad and useless dont put up with this you love him i know but ask yourself this can you put up with this forever,? by writing in you know theres a big problem, this is answering your own questions, this isnt worth fighting for, you need your family behind you on this to help you through, i would honestly finish it before it goes to far be strong good luck and keep us posted x
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2010):
 Honey, I read so many red flags that I feel like a bull at the bullfight.
1. No matter how much you love this guy he will not change.
2. You can not fix this guy.
3. He is very controling.
4. He is borderline abusive.
5. He has got anger issues.
6. He seems emotionally numb.
IS THAT what you want to live with for the rest of yur life?
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (24 July 2010):
 Hello, your parents are right to be very concerned about you. There is no point racing into marriage with a man who makes you this unhappy. I cannot tell you if he has OCD, but I can tell you that he is highly controlling and emotionally manipulative. He may have a personality disorder which would explain a great deal of his behaviour.
You are depressed as a result of the relationship and a marriage to this guy will not make it better. If there is physical violence, there will be more to come. The fact that he has domestic violence in his childhood and tells you that you deserved to be hit is classic justification for abuse in the minds of the perpetrator. You stayed with him after he punched you. It says to him that you accept the violence. The violence may escalate and your life may well be in danger. If you marry him, you may travel with him according to his deployment arrangements and that will leave you isolated from your family and friends. You should not marry any man before you live with them for a good while - marriage is the biggest commitment of your life and you need to make real sure you can live with your spouse. In your case you obviously cannot do that and he would make life hard for any kids you have in the future. It sounds like living with him is akin to life in a military prison. His behaviour towards you is definitely not normal. His precise standards of domestic hygiene and appearance probably reflect his own childhood. It is entirely possible his mother cleaned to a surgical standard to prevent being battered by men. Children who see domestic violence are at high risk of being victims or perpetrators in later life. Although you may understand why he is doing this, it is no excuse. You have to put yourself first. Listen to your parents and don't marry him - have a trial separation (easy with him being away) and don't contact him at all. Go out and live a bit. Go on holiday with friends, or have some nights out. This is what you are supposed to be doing at your age. It may give you a whole new perspective on your life with him.
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