A
female
age
30-35,
*luffyPie
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend for over 9 months now. We live in the same city, but we both have busy schedules (we're both working), so we don't see each other too often, so our main way to communicate remains the internet (instant messages) and the phone. I'm not the kind of clingy or attention craving girl, so there are entire days when we don't keep in touch, I'm not calling nor texting him everyday, because I want to give him the space he needs, he even said that he doesn't like that. So, obviously, he never calls, he claims that he doesn't like to talk on the phone (that's pretty true, since I've never saw him talking on the phone more than 1 minute), and when it comes to talk on MSN, he never asks me how was my day, even if the conversation would last 3 minutes. He spends his free time in front of the PC, doing mostly nothing important, probably waiting for me to initiate conversations. And when I do it, it's because I can't stand the fact that he isn't cooperating at all, even though he says "this is a serious relationship". A few important things about him: he's 24, he's never had a relationship before, he's reluctant when it comes to talking about intimate stuff, like "being virgin and having sex" - I presume he's ashamed, even though I told him that this is not a problem for me, since I'm a virgin as well :), thus he is kinda clumsy when it comes to "how to treat a girl", so let's say that his behavior is somewhat justifying (as for me, I've had three previous relationships, but they didn't involve sex). But, since we all know that there's a first time for everything, I strongly believe that this kind of stuff, like getting interested in your significant other's daily activities or missing them and getting sincerely involved in their lives, should be instinctively, and he shouldn't find a stupid excuse like "this is how I am". He also said a few times, after a few serious conversations we had (when I told him that I wouldn't mind if he were bolder), that he's going to do his best in order to help the relationship, but here we are, he's still the same. One day he asked: "Why complicate ourselves with this kind of conversations? Our relationship is going slow, but it's -moving-!", interpreted as "What else do you want me to do?" Ok, important thing: I'm not trying to change him, I'm just trying to make him understand that it takes two when it comes to make a relationship work. PS: I need some word of advice, what should I do next? Dump him, give him ultimatum, be more audacious and violate his manly space? :)PPS: Sorry for the grammar mistakes, English is not my native language.PPPS: Thank you in advance for help!
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female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (2 July 2010):
FluffyPie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, 33girl, you sound like you know a lot of stuff. And you sound like you know him as well... Your answer helped me a lot, I mean it's something I've never expected to hear, not in my perspective, even though I had a lot of scenarios and I kept chewing the cud about this. And then I read your answer.. and now everything makes so much sense to me and I realize that he is exactly the way your described him and I strongly believe that I should carry on with him, because he is a gentle guy, and he's making obvious efforts to please me (when we see each other), like a parent who buys chocolate for his little daughter, so she can be happy :)
Thanks again
A
female
reader, 33girl  +, writes (29 June 2010):
It sounds like he has no clue about how things work in a relationship, and you are the one who has to educate him! There will usually be something of that going on if he hasn't had a relationship before, its not his fault, its just something he has to learn, and you have landed yourself with the job of teaching him! If you think you want the relationship to work longer term, its worth trying. You need to bear in mind his lack of knowledge without blaming him, and praise him when he gets things right, and not criticise him too heavily when he doesn't. He may appear dumb, but he probably does have a sense of what you think is appropriate, you might be surprised. And he might not be behaving in a good way because he feels like he can't do right. So make sure you tell him you're happy when he (eventually) does initiate conversation. Its so hard over messenger! You lose so much. This will be much easier if you do love him. If this seems difficult, dump him. But I wouldn't give an ultimatum or violate his space. You're not clingy or attention craving, which means you're a brilliant girlfriend in those respects! Maybe you two are a great match! If you love him, patience and understanding on your part might work wonders.
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