A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship now with a man 15 years my junior for 11 years now and with every new year looming I start to question my future with him. I run my own business, am captain of the local golf club, have great friends and two daughters with 5 grandchildren so a fairly full and active life. My partner has lived with me for 6 years and shares all of the above including playing at the golf club. I organise all of our holidays of which we share the cost, and a lot of our socialising is done at the golf club. Anyway in all this time I have never met or been introduced to any of his colleagues or any friends he may have as he never discusses them. He recently changed his job and in his old job he used to go out religiously on a Thursday saying it was for a birthday, leaving do, etc etc only for me to discover he had met some woman at a bar and had been having an affair. We did get over this as I confronted the woman who said they were only friends and that nothing was going on with them. Since then our sex life and any intimacy has just disappeared and when I confront him he says he feels guilty of what he did. However he has now changed his job and has a 6 figure salary. Anyway he announced that the company has a Society golf club and they play every month and whoever wins then plays at their own club. He won the last time and should have played the match at our club but dithered for ages about booking this then told me he couldn't get booked as the club wouldn't book a society and suddenly jumped up on the Saturday morning to say that he was off to play with the Society as one of the guys had managed to book it elsewhere. . However, as I am in with the office and pro at my club I asked how easy it would be for my partner to play on a Saturday morning with some friends and he said that both him and I could book the times and that his friends could play but he hadn't even asked the club to do this. So my concern really is that I don't think he has ever told anyone about me and is still probably acting as a batchelor and I am wondering if the golf with this company is the same as before and he is actually using it as a cover up to see someone else.Thanks for your advice.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 December 2016):
 You are a secret because he is always on the look out for better. The best thing you can do it's end it as he is not serious about you and never will be.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 Yo deserve better than this situation. I get the feeling you already know what to do and are just looking for validation. If that's true then you have my best wishes for your next life adventure.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 11 years and you are still his dirty secret?
The thing with people cheating is that it created a breakdown in trust. After his affair, you are now looking and anything his does that seems questionable and presuming he must be or could be cheating.
Because he did it in the past, you make the presumption he will do it again. And that IS likely if he was more upset about being caught than how his actions affected you and the relationship.
So, I'd suggest that YOU decide whether you can BE with a guy whom you feel you can't trust. Who doesn't include YOU after 11 years in HIS social life? Who apparently can't even be intimate with you no longer either. No trust, no intimacy? What do you really have? A good roommate relationship? Friends? Are you happy with the status quo?
Now, of course, you can start sleuthing and spying on him to see if you can catch him, but what then? Maybe he has gotten better at hiding it, maybe he isn't cheating... Either way, YOU have to decide if you want to continue living with someone give the facts or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): You seem to be a strong successful woman with at times poor boundaries. Assuming you have the funds I would hire a private detective to track his every move. I think he is lying and it makes no sense you've not met his friends or colleagues. Trust your gut but get solid evidence. Establish your financial and legal situation and decide what you will do depending on outcome. In other words stop doing him favours and do yourself one.
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