A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 3 months recently told me that has fooled around with men before. He hasn't had sex with them, just oral. I wasn't ok with this when he told me and I am having a really hard time with it. A lot of people tell me that if a guys even has thoughts about being with another man sexually then he is gay. Our sex is amazing and he's totally in love with me, Im just very conflicted. Am I being close-minded?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I have had oral sex with men. But don't think it makes me gay because we did'nt kiss or hold hands or say i love you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): No your not being close minded i have nothing against gay people but i would feel the same as you if i was in your shoes. You should talk to him about how you feel and ask him how he feels now about men now and whether he feels that he could be bisexual. And from that decide where you need to go from there.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 He's had oral sex with men and he has chosen to tell you this within 3 months of dating - he's got to be bi-sexual at the very least. But just because he's bi doesn't mean he isn't into you. I'm not sure how I would feel in this situation, but it's up to you, does him being bi bother you??
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 There is a difference between being open minded, and inviting something into your life.
I am open minded about other people who want to have certain kinds of animals as pets, but that does not mean that I have to invite those kinds of animals as pets into my own household. That is the difference.
If a BF having had same sex experience in his past crosses a personal boundary of yours and it is something that you are unable to reconcile for your own personal romantic relationship with him, that does not make you "close minded". It means that you have certain emotional needs that he is unable to meet.
-Frank Kermit ND
http://www.franktalks.com/emotionalneeds
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): If he has had sexual encounters with men, whatever form the encounters took or take, then he is bisexual. If you don't feel comfortable with that it doesn't make you closed minded, you are just as entitled to your preferences and choices as he is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 January 2013):
 if he fooled around before he was experimenting. does not make him gay or bi... there is a thing called "bi-curious" and folks 'try it out"
the fact that he was open and honest with you is great
if he still wants to have sexual contact with men and women then he's bisexual. YOU have to decide if you can deal with that (and it's ok if you can't)
FWIW, I consider myself bisexual. I prefer to have my primary relationship with a man.
I am currently married to a wonderful man who is fine with my being bi-sexual as long as he can play with us too... but since I do not wish to share my husband with anyone I opt to be monogamous (because it goes both ways).
Just like I would not consider sex with another man, I would not consider sex with a woman. That would be cheating.
IF he experimented and he's with YOU and he's opting for monogamy, I think you need to open your mind a bit and accept that while he may have tried it, he's with you now.
Just verify that your life together is monogamous... if you feel the need, get blood work for STDs and move forward.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masters_and_Johnson
It is classic research that for the first time proved scientifcally that most people are neither 100% straight not 100% gay in their feelings ALTHOUGH they might behave as such. How they behave might as well change over time.
It is rather a classic assumption that a certain amount of men and women have gay experiences especially when they are teens and still finding out who they are.
It is also known that some gay people life a hetero life-style just to fit in.
PART of this is behavior vs desire. Jail is a place well known for man on man sex but I wouldn't say they are gay... not without a big fence between me and the inmates. Do two young boys blowing each other go for it because they like boys or because they can't find a girl to do it for them?
It is very hard to say what a person truly is like, what his/her dreams are. Is he with you because he doesn't want to be gay, is he open to all options or was it just an experiment in his past and now he made his choice.
You know him... or as much as anyone can everyone know anyone. All relationships are a risk, is he worth taking a risk for? He loves you, you I presume love him, that surely is worth something?
Oh and your friends are wrong, they have been proven to be wrong for over half a century by now. Tell them to get some new ideas.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 "He hasn't had sex,just oral"???WTF? All boys/men experiment with same
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 January 2013):
 I think that the trouble is that we don't frequently use the right names for things. Homosexual means that he has or does have sexual relationships with people who have the same gender as he has. Same sex attraction means he is sexually attracted to people of his same gender. Gender confusion meaning that he is unsure what gender he is. Trans gender meaning that he is sure he is female but his body is male, or he has had a sex reassignment surgery. Transvestite or cross dresser meaning a person who wears clothing that is traditionally assigned to the other gender. Then there is the whole question of what defines a sexual relationship.
So you are asking if he is bi sexual, or gay. From your question we see that he has had oral sex with men and penetrative sex with women. By the strict definition he is bi-sexual. It is most likely that he is sexually attracted to both genders. That is all we know at this point.
Now that we have laid that matter to rest (for now), on to the most important bit. You are not O.K. with the fact that he has had oral sex with men in the past, it is hard for you to accept. It doesn't matter whether you are close minded or not. You don't like this. It doesn't really matter whether or not he will be faithful to you in the future. What matters is that when you two are together in public, you are wondering if he is checking out other guys. When you are together intimately you are wondering if he wishes he was together intimately with a guy. That is not any more likely to change than him not being attracted to guys any more.
It appears to me that your feelings are quite strong about this. You like him as a person. He has made the proper disclosure at the proper time. You feel like you shouldn't punish him for doing the right thing. Breaking up with him is not punishing him. It is simply admitting that this relationship is not going to work. Relationships fail every day, for many reasons.
On the other hand if you think he is worth changing your views to keep, then you need to honest with him about your feelings and involve him in your plan to change. Because, people can change if they want to. After all if he wants to be in a long term relationship he is going to have to give up all other partners, male and female. I believe he is ready to do that.
FA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Fellatio is "sex...." That said, it's refreshing that your guy was open with you about this detail... and that you are sufficiently OPEN-minded to discuss it. HOWEVER, the person with whom you need to discuss this is HIM...
HE can give you the details - hence the "answers" - to the question(s) that you pose here....
IF he's gay... then a romance with him is out of the question, no?
IF he's bi-sexual.. then you and he have to reconcile if the relationship that you have now.... and however it will have to be adjusted to allow for this new information.... can and will survive.....
I'd suggest that you steer clear of what ".. a lot of people tell (you)...".... and go right to the source...
Good luck....
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