A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have lots of good in my life – a person who loves me, a loving family, a job that I mainly enjoy.But there is something missing. Passion, desire, the excitement of life – I only realised how much these things were missing from my life recently, and how much I miss them.I know long term relationships will have dips, but I am genuinely concerned that I am no longer in love with my partner. I love her, I always will have love for her as she is a wonderful person, but I can’t help the way I feel. And that is that I don’t know if this is the right relationship for the rest of my life. Maybe I’m just having a mid-life crisis or something, maybe it’s deeper.I know that I am feeling the usual signs of a depression – lowness, anxiety, boredom with my life, sometimes self-loathing about myself and what my life is. I have recently met a wonderful new woman – there is nothing in it sexually or romantically, but I really enjoy her company, and I have realised that the laughs and fun I am having with her have been glaringly missing from my long term relationship and that has been really hard to take. I never imagined I would ever leave or even think about the possibility of leaving my partner. And this is not an affair or anything I have with this other woman, it’s just a friendship. I went through a huge crush on her but that is past now, and we just get on well. To be honest though, it’s not really about anything to do with this woman – it’s to do with my feelings. I still love my partner but I feel no desire for her at the moment – it’s like being with a friend. And to be fair, she feels no real desire for me: our sex life is almost non-existent at the moment.I am so scared of hurting her, but I also need to be man enough to face up to the fact that maybe this relationship has run it’s wonderful course. I don’t know, I’m confused as hell. The thought of not being with her scares the hell out of me, that I will make a decision that I end up regretting for the rest of my life, a life that I will spend alone. But I also know that this relationship is currently no longer giving me a thrill – and I just don’t mean sexually – I mean so much more about the thrill of being with someone, about sharing life with them. Maybe I expect too much? But to be honest, all this started when I realised I was almost expecting too little in comparison with the thrill of time spent with this new person, that life with my partner consisted mainly of just surface chat and getting on with things. The intimacy is not there for me at the moment.Am I just being selfish and unrealistic? That I am expecting too much from this 10+ year relationship? Or is it wrong to want life to always be full of living and fun? Not that I am honestly going to get that from a difficult break-up followed by a life alone. But sometimes you have to fall apart to build again. Is honesty more valuable than comfort? By not being honest with my partner about how I feel, am I doing her wrong by not giving her the right to respond or even dump me?I enjoyed the fleeting crush I had on this other woman, it reminded me how it felt to have your heart broken when I realised nothing could ever happen, and that made me feel alive – and that’s when I realised I hadn’t felt such strong emotions in such a long time – and that is what this is about. I don’t want to live a life without emotion, both happy and sad. I guess it was the 2 day heartbreak from the crush ending that really kick started all this – it showed me there is a glaring emotional vacuum in my life at the moment. The crush is over – but I still feel empty.
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male
reader, Matt in CO  +, writes (9 November 2008):
The hardest part about feeling the way you do is the indecision. Usually picking a direction, even if it turns out unexpectedly, makes you feel better. I would suggest sitting down with your partner and having one of those "lay it on the line" talks. Just tell her almost exactly what you wrote, although you might want to leave out the crush on the other woman part.
She may be feeling exactly like you are or if nothing else at least you have chosen a direction. At that point the two of you can decide to fix things or not, but at least everything is in the open.
The hardest part about these talks is deciding to have them, once you get started you always feel better.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): A breakdown in a marriage doesn't happen overnight. Througout the years, there's been 'issues', insensitivies, unresolved problems, and it all comes to a breaking point. Honesty brings back intimacy/passion back into a marriage. Sounds like you have some unresolved issues, and a non-existent sex life could be the Effect of ignoring (or unforgiving) events of the past.If you want to take your marriage to the next level, then honesty is the place to start.Confrontation can be very intimidating, but just to say "honey, we need to talk" can make a wife exhale in relief because it's the beginning of hope again.This may sound odd, but my husband and I couldn't 'get there' to talk without having an argument. (immaturity on both parts) Anyways, I sent him an e-mail, and we went back and forth, all range of feelings came out...but in the end we still wanted to save/protect our relationship. We came to some solutions and I feel our love is stronger. Intimacy is better too. Hope this helps you.
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