A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Really stupid uestion.. But I read a lot of uestions in here, married people having affairs and asking for advice about extra marital affairs.. Why have that extra marital affair.. Is marriage worth it.. My parents separated after 26 years of marriage.. And I'm beginning to wonder why these people even get married if they're going have affairs and ruin their families later.. The worse cases are those who have affairs with married people! And the funny thing is they have all the shame in the world to come out here and ask people if they should keep their mistresses or wives.. Have you heard of marriage vows!! Really.. Is it worth it.. Stupid uestion, I told you!
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female
reader, forsythia  +, writes (7 August 2008):
I know there are people who, for some reason, just don't take their marriage seriously (sometimes right from the beginning), but what leads to a divorce (and even what leads to infidelity) is, I think, more complicated than that.
There's an article that addresses the common belief that people don't take their vows seriously: http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-Some-Divorces-Happen---Myths-That-Couples-Dont-Take-Vows-Seriously
It looks like it's aimed at anyone who "looks down" on divorced people, but it may be useful for children of divorced parents. It kind of shows how things can go bad, even when people want the marriage to work and last.
Marriage IS worth it, but people need to be very careful about who they marry, and they need to be aware of how things can turn bad.
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Not a stupid question. It does deserve discussion.
Interesting observation. Yes, people cheat on their wives and husbands and feel as though it's okay - or try to justify why they're doing it (my wife doesn't want sex with me or my husband isn't home all the time). The truth is, there really isn't a valid reason to EVER cheat on your spouse. I honestly believe that people don't take marriage vows seriously. Not to bring religion into it, but most people who are married did so in a church or had their wedding officiated by a minister or priest. And they vowed before God to (love, honor, cherish, obey, through sickness, health, as LONG and you BOTH shall live...). No one remembers that. All they remember is that she constantly bickers about me staying out late or he constantly bickers about me hanging with the girls and leaving him with the kids.
But truth be told, you don't have to be married to have an affair. People who are together for many years, never being married also cheat on their significant others. It's not just married people doing the cheating. So to question whether or not marriage is worth it based on the argument that people cheat is voided because all couples are susceptible to it.
When we say our vows, we need to mean it - and mean it with everything we've got. We're so quick to jump in the bed with the person, but we don't want to take the time to work on the issues when they arrive/arise. It seems easier to just walk away from our problems - and our families.
And this doesn't apply to other reasons for relationships breaking up (abuse; verbal, emotional, or physical, and abandonment) - this only applies to cheating hearts. We need to realize what we're saying when we say it and know that we need to stick by our word. Make our word our bond.
But, we all make mistakes. Some of us marry people we were never supposed to be with. But that's another issue altogether.
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): It's not a stupid question!
However, do keep in mind that married people will generally only post a question on here if something goes wrong. The sample set is biased. It would be pretty strange for someone to post a question: "Please help! My marriage is going well and I'm really happy to be married! What should I do!?"
Anyhow, my experience has been that marriage is about what you put into it, probably much less so than who you marry. Don't get me wrong -- my wife is the only person I would have wanted to marry. But to make it a successful marriage takes a lot of effort, patience, and humility. Is it worth it? Hm. That's a difficult question. Being married now, when I look out into the unmarried world, it looks like a dark and scary place. But people who aren't married seem happy enough. But I feel happier. But maybe they're happier than me and I just don't know it. Does it even matter? Marriage is also about support (psychological, financial, etc) and in marriage, I chose to do that regardless of whether it would make me happy or not.
So is it worth it? If you and the person you marry both put the effort, patience, discussion and etc, into it, then yes, I think that statistically, you will probably find it worthwhile (but life offers few guarantees of anything). If you don't put in the effort ... well, they say that anything with a price of "free" is worth what you paid for it.
My wife and I occasionally attend a couple's group with married friends, where we discuss some of the challenges of marriage. One of the surprising things we found was that some couples had a much bigger harder differences to overcome in their marriages than we did. In some cases, they acknowledge that those differences are still difficult. In other cases, they seem to have actually benefited from the differences (over time).
That's just the individual side of the coin. If you're thinking of producing offspring, then a successful marriage can provide a lot of stability.
Unfortunately, there are perhaps some marriages that were just never meant to be. That's a tough question. Perhaps one or the other person was never really committed to it in the first place. Or perhaps it might have worked if they had sought help when they first realized they needed it. Or perhaps they were unlucky and something happened, one side screwed-up beyond what could be repaired, and now there's nothing left. It happens. But you go into marriage blind to this risks. That's the way it should be, I think -- if you're not prepared to go into it blind to those risks, then marriage is perhaps not the relationship you are looking for. But there aren't any global universal rules, either. Every person is unique, as is each marriage. I assume, anyways. :-)
But don't ask me. Find someone who's been married for 40+ years and see.
There - that's probably a much longer essay than you wanted. I suppose I could simply say "yes" or "no", but that would be a lie.
But if you just wanted my opinion - then yes, I think it is worthwhile (but not marrying is okay too).
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