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age
51-59,
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writes: About 3 weeks ago, my g/f suddenly broke up with me. It was done badly - on both sides, and I posted a question about it here. We've stayed NC since our last call, but I'm starting to feel guilty about pushing her into the breakup, as I wasn't being very considerate in the last week or so beforehand, and said some insensitive things.I'm considering writing an aplogy letter. Not as a means of getting her back (it's too early), but to "clear the air". I'm about to start a new job that will keep me away from the area for most of the next 3 months anyway, so fishing for a reconciliation now would be crazy.My concern is that is that writing to her because *I* want to could appear to be about me putting my own needs/wants first, which was one of the issues that led to the breakup.All thoughts appreciated.Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnaks everyone. Interesting that women seem to think it's good, and yet - as a man - it feels dumb.Anyway, I've written it - with two adjustments: - replacing the "I was so blinded..." paragraph with,"I'm sorry for seeing the glass half empty, pushing you away when you needed reassurance, saying all those crazy things, and for appearing to have given up on you – and on us. For what it’s worth, my doubts were never about you, but the challenges facing us. I let them obscure what was truly important, and for that I apologise."- and removing the line, "I’m so sorry for having pushed you to the point of no return like that."I hope it will give me the closure I need, as well as letting her know that I accept reponsibility for my actions...
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Well if am honest with you that letter doesnt look like you are begging to her to take you back it just sounds like a very nice apology and shows her how much you care, but it is entirely up to you if you send it or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the postive feedback. Having given it some more thought, I think I'll hold back for now. It's early days yet, and there's NO WAY she won't interpret it as a begging letter.
(I forgot to mention in my earlier post that, although we've been 'NC' for about 12 days, her phone misdialled mine a couple of times last week (I could hear background chatter). I called back and left a voicemail just asking if she was okay. Not heard back from her though.)
It's tricky to know how to show her that I've not just deleted her from my life, but that I'm not desperately chasing to get her back either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Absolutely Beautiful...Touched.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 October 2010):
I think that your draft is just perfect. Go for it.
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 It's nice to write her a letter but be sure it won't be used against you later. If you do write one keep it short and sweet don't babble too much. then finally honestly compliment something you miss about her and tell her you miss her. Leave the rest up to her but just let her come to you if that's what she wants to do. If she dosent return then then you get the drift.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I agree with aunt honesty here, it would be nice for you to write to her and apologise for all the things that you did wrong. This shows that you are now looking at it from her perspective and that you have considered her thoughts and feelings, and you want to say you're sorry for hurting her.
As aunt honesty says, make sure you wish her all the luck and happiness in the world. I wish my ex had written me an apology letter, but i guess not all guys are as heartfelt as you are.
All the best x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks aunt honesty. I guess it depends on how I phrase the letter.
My draft is as follows:
Dearest X.
I hope all’s well, and you’re settling into in the “juggling routine” of studydom and motherdom without too many headaches.
I’ve been thinking about how much I must have hurt you in the days leading up to – and during – our breakup. And I owe you an apology for my behaviour.
I was so blinded by my own fears that I didn’t pay heed to your needs until it was too late (that brief phone call when I was driving back from Y). For what it’s worth, my doubts were not about you, but about the challenges facing us. I know that’s not a suitable defence for being so defensive.
I lost sight of how much I appreciated you, and how much I valued your love and support – and the strength that you gave me. You were the truest friend, soulmate, companion, partner and lover that a lucky chap could ever wish for.
Losing you from my life has been like undergoing surgical separation, but I do understand why you felt that you couldn’t keep me in yours. It was the only choice, based on the way I was acting at the time. I’m so sorry for having pushed you to the point of no return like that.
Although I accept that it’s over between us, I’m not going to do the macho thing and pretend I no longer care about you. You mean more to me than that, X.
I wish you all the best and happiness in the world. If you ever need me, I will be there for you.
All my love,
Z
I've no idea whether it's appropriate. It's hard to detach myself and read it as *she* will...
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 October 2010):
No i think it would be a nice thing to do to write to her and apologise for the way you acted. There is nothing wrong with this and its not about you its about you wanting to apologise. So write the letter and wish her all the best and happieness at the end and leave it at that.
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